WIT AND HUMOUR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 177, 17 July 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Of course," she said, "the ear-rings are quite pretty, but-ei—the stones arc verv small." "But, my dear, replied Mr. Slye, "if they were any larger they'd be out of proportion to the size of your ears!" . •'' ■Vnxious Mother—-Do you think that young mail who has been calling on you "for some time means business?" Pretty Daughter—"l'm sure he does. Evcrytiine he calls he wants to know howpapa's business is going." The One—"l suppose, sir you think 1 am a fool therefore?" The Other: "I did think so, but now I think you must be a mind reader; you cannot be a fool, and I beg your pardon for thinking you were." Irate Squire—"Hi! you, sir! You re fishing in my river. I demand what you have caught." Fisherman—"All right, guv'nor. I've caught a cold, and I'm catching rheumatics, and you're jolly welcome to both of them." "Justice in this court," Said the prisoner, bitterly, "is a farce to me. " For you. justice in this Court," replied the Magistrate, "will be a cell." Tramp: "So 'elp me, sir, fcr three days I ain't 'ad a meal nor 'card a kind word.' City Magnate—"You are lucky. I've been to three City banquets and listened to twenty-four complimentary speeches." •

'At last," said the ambitious yoi

lovelist, "I have written something that ' think will be accepted hy the first magtzine it is sent to." "What is it?" his ■ricnd asked. "A cheque for a year's subscription." "Little girls should be seen and not ward, Ethel." "I know, mamma; but f I'm to be a lady when I grow up, ifvo to begin practising talking sometime, you know." A Yankee editor thus gives a gentle bint: "Burglars entered our home night before last. To) the everlasting shame of the community for whose welfare we luive labored during cight-and-twenty years be it said, they got notlling." "I think I never saw Rymcr so utterly crushed as he was when his first poem appeared in print." "What was the matter'; Some printer's errors in the poem?" "No; that wasn't it. What crushed him was : that the paper was sold for a penny, a copy just as usual." As he Could not get an opportunity of talking to her, he contrived to slip me to hand her a piece of paper, with two words, "Will you?" written upon it. The reply was equally brief: "Won't f!" Mrs Haytrix (reading) -.This paper

says the doctors have discovered another new disease, Hiram." Haytrix: "Huh! I wish 'tho pesky critters would stop lookin' fer .new diseases long cnulF tew hunt up a i cure fer th' rheumatiz, by grass!

Single Man (to himself): lam sure that darling little angel loves me. She takes me into her confidence and tells me all her troubles. Same Man (some years later): Confound it all! From morning till night and night till morning, when I'm at home, I hear nothing but tales about the servants, the butcher, the butler, the baker, and all the rest of them.

"That advertisement of yours was misleading," protested an angry visitor to a summer resort. "How so!" deman the proprietor of that hotel. ''Well, it said, Trout are always to be caught here,' and I haven't seen a fellow who's caught a single one." "Well, then, they are still 'to be eaught,' aren't they?" Doctor: From now you may let your husband have a glaSs of beer every day —you understand? Wife: Yes, doctor just one glass a day." Doctor (a week later) : "Sow I hope you have kept strictly to that one glass per day that i allowed your husband to take"? Wife: "Most decidedly, doctor, only he is tour weeks in advance of his allowance." I

A curate of a country parish lately preached a charity Sermon, and the collection which followed amounted to £2O 754% d. In Hie vestry after the service, the churchwardens counted it out and mentioned the result. "Well,'' mi id the reverend preacher, "I must have preached pretty well to get all that." "No doubt you did, sir," replied one of the churchwardens who Had been collecting, "but the squire put in a twenty-pound note, "and he's deaf."

A builder was showing a prospective buyer over a semi-detached villa. There was some talk about the dining-room walls, so the builder sent his foreman into the next villa, and the following conversation took place:—Builder: Are you there, Bill? Foreman: Yuss guvnor. Builder: Can you hear me? Yuss, guv'nor Builder: " Can you see niev Foreman: No, guv'nor. Builder (to client): There's a wall for you.