WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 154, 20 June 1908, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

W'JIY ilJi IIK'MEMBEKED. *'XowV cross-examined PopofT, K.C., getting ready to be extremely brilliant. " wnat did you say your first name wnsT' "Well," answered the cautious witness, ") was-'baptised John Henry." "Von were, were yon'f" sneered Mr. J'opoir. •• lluw do you know you were?'' "Well." ati-wered the witness slowly. " I nas there, you know," " lb>w do you know you were there?'' " W by, 1 couldn't have been baptised otherwise. And, iiesides. I think 1 can remember it ipiiU» well." "Oh. you do, do voii': ,J "1 do." "Well, kindly explain (o the court and jury, my friend willi the phenomeniil memory." thundered the counsel, "how an infant in arms came to remember that ceremony so remarkably vividly!"

"Well." explained the witness. "You see. f w;isu't baptised (ill I was eigllt-

THE FRIDAY DISEASE. I ! "Wi'll," said the doctor, as he entered the sickroom where Harry Fane wa* 1 lyinif in bed groaning, ''what is the' trouble'.'" "A p.iiu iu jnv side," murmured Harry. " Any piiiit in the head?" "Yes, sir.*' 4 " Is ilit* right hand stifl'?" "A little." " lloiv about (lie right foul "That's still', too." The doctor winked at the boy's mother. ">Yell," In- paid, "you're pretty ill. V,w\. you'll be able to go to school on Monday. Let me sec. to-day i>; Saturday. nnd " K today Saturday?" exclaimed Hie youth, iti vexed tones. " i thought it was I'riihiy," •Half ;iii hour later Harry declared liiinsclf miraculously healed, and not up. T!u'ii th:'V packed him oJV to -scliool. Fur it wa*. Friday after all! From Washington conies tlie unlikely story that the {laggfnheim Syndicate have retained the services of Mr. dolm i!:,ys Drummoinl. who is considered the greatest gold-finder in the world, at a yearly foe of £240,000.

USKFUL POINTS A astdine makes a good dressing for brown shoes. ■Salt-water uswl as a gargle strengthens ,thc throat and hardens the gums. Wnrdrolws and cupboards in "which clothes lire kept should be aired ln» (jucntly. The towels used for drying the face should he soft and fine, never hard and rough. Newspapers laid smoothly inside dresses folded for packing will prevent them getting creased. tar mixed with .yellow ochre makes iin excellent green pain.t for fences, or other outdoor woodwork. To keep silver bright when not. ill use, place it in an air-tiglit ease, enclosing also a. few lumps of camphor. The juice of half a lemon in a cup of strong black coffee, without, sugar, will often relieve a sick headache. If suet is chopped up roughly, and sprinkled with si little granulated sugar, it will keep .sweet for some time. White kid gloves can be dyed tan colour by dipping them in saffron-water until tile desired shade is obtained. If, in using a gas-stove, flu? oven I>C' conn l * too hot, it can. he <piiekly cooled hy placing a dish of cold water inside. A tablespooniul <of turpentine added to the water in which white clothes !irc boiled wiil aid the whitening proUse brass hooks and eyes for washingdrosses and blouses, as these do notleave iron-mould stains, as do the white huoks-and-eves. In making a dress, cut out the skirt before the bodice, as there will probably be enough cuttings left to form rhe latter, independent of the sleeve*. To renovate a black chip hat that looksdusty anu dull, apply pure castor or olive oil thinly with a brush. The straw will then have a soft, black glos.; as when new. To clean ostrick-feather, ocver them wilh a paste of pipe-flay and water, rubbing one way only. When quite dry. shako all the powder ofl\ and curl them with n penknife. To frost a window, make a strong I solution of Epsom salts and vinegar, using as much of the suits as the liquid will dissolve. Apply with a brush, anu then eoat thinly with Hear varnish. After washing lace scarves or ties, rinse them in milk, instead of starching them. If a cream colour is desired, dissolve a little w-'ni starch in the milk. Lace articles washed in milk and then ironed look 'as "good as new." i For greasy hair, the following, np-i plied with a small piece of sponge, is a good remedy: One drachm of liquid ammonia: two and a half drachms chlorate of potash; and ten ounces of distilled tar-water. This will greatly improve the hair when it got* too moist. Air. \V. T. Stead struck the nail fairly ancf esquarely on ths 'head when he wrote: "Xo drastic licensing measure can be carried till the women are enfranchised. for the women arc the only real temperance party in the country."