HIS FIRST FOOTBALL MATCH.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 61, 23 November 1907, Page 4

HIS FIRST FOOTBALL MATCH.

I was born in Italy, and, therefore, I had never taken any interest in football. I am dubbed by the landlady "A nice, quiet young man, as always come in al ten sharp." On my acquainting a friend, Thomas Kicker, Ifcq., with this fact, he held up his hands in amazement. "Why, my boy," said he, "it's the greatest eight in creation," and he at once invited me to see a county match. On the appointed day we set out. Would that I had never started for Unit scene of horror! It was raining dismally, and before we had got far I expressed a wish to return to my cosy room. However, Tom would not hear of any such thing; eo I proceeded unwillingly with him to the. scene oi action. We arrived there at last, and when we had settled ourselves comfortably in the pavilion I could not help remarking upon the woc-begon appearance of the various people who were not fortunate enough to possess a scat under cover like ourselves. Presently a most extraordinary-looking lot of men came out from a tent, clothed as if for the swim-ming-bath. "Hang it !" said I, "why don't tlicy allow them more clothes in this beastly weather?" As I looked round I noticed a look of surprise, and then of disgucst, come over the faces of those within earshot, and one whispered 10 my companion: "He's verdant, ain't her" So I concluded I was wrong, aud determined to keep my thoughts within me. Presently they of the airy garb began to form in what my friend called sides, ana he condescendingly explained that the poles set up, with a tape running across the top, were the goals. "That's a fearfully high jump," said I. My friend multerd some words, of which I only caught one, and that was "Juggins." I was about to ask who "Juggins" was, when a whisper went round, "Kick oft." Looking out on the field, 1 noticed one of the players tenderly handling a ball with his feet ( I don't know whether that's right—l'm not very strong in Euglish), when suddenly he gave it a terrific kick, and, flying forward, it hit a baldheaded player on the head with a resounding smack.

"What a vindictive beast!" said I; "the poor chap will have a bad headache all day." "Juggins," said somebody,oucc more. lie mudt be rather a famous person. Now the players begun to get excited; they all rushed to one spot, and mixed themsrlvea up. When they had done mixing themselves they tried to get right again. They wriggled, and twisted, and knocked each other down, apparently trying to get at the ball; while, as I remarked to my friend, if they had all stood off, and agreed to let a certain oiie have it, it would be a much better arrangement. last the ball filtered out on one side, and instantly a man pounced upon it, and began, to kick it towards one of 'he goal posts. "Ha!" said I, "they all quarrelled over it, and, after all, they all loee it." "Oh, dear, oh, dear! they'll be killing each other presently," 6aid I. There was a sudden stoppage in the corner of the field, and four of the players emerged from the crowd carrying a brother performer between them. This put me into perspiration of excitement. I rushed out, disregarding the calls of my friends, and asked them if the poor fellow was much hurt.

"Oh, no," they answered; "only a slight kick on the shin. I daresay he'll be out of bed in a few days—in fact, it is a mere scratch."

"Only a few days," I exclaimed. "And how long do you consider he ought to remain in bed for something more than a mere scratch?"

"Look lieic, my softy," said one of them; "you sec that fellow over there. About nine months ago lie had hie leg and three ribs snapped clean. Thai's what we call small accident."

I made my way back with a pot of inindignatiou (I don't believe that's quite right) boiling withiu me, and, sitting down with a bang, I shouted. "Do you call this a game for a 'rate of civilised men? Why, it would disgrace a set of cannibals."

A burst of laughter greeted my speech, and Tom pulled me down to my scat with a whisper of "Don't make an ass of yourself, for Heaven's sake, or they'll chaff me for bringing you to sec the match to the end of my days. Now do sit down, there's a good fellow, and control your feelings. There's Jenkins just going to kick off." t I tookJiis advice and watched "Jenkins" kick off. His mode of procedure was different to that of the lirst man. He put the ball down deliberately, and then backed off a few paceß, all the while thoughtfully regarding it, and, while I was wondering what was the matter with him, his aspect changed, and life face assumed a look of ferocity only equalled by the picture of a dected and desperate burglar which hung in my bed room at home. He clenched. His teeth and made a tremendous rush. The next minute the ball was flying in the direction of the goal. Then began a scene of confusion—it seemed to me that every player on the held went mad. They rushed hither and thither, knocking one another down, trampling on each other, and generally making themselves appear like ruffians having a free fight. "Surely," I gased, "someone will be killed! Stop them, for goodness' sake." "Shut up, you fool!" cried someone, in a tone of disgust. Tom again forced me to my seat, and once more peace reigned over the barbarous assemblage. The horrible game went on for a long time with unabated Jury. Kicks were received and given, and before the game was over another victim fell, lint everything come 6 to an end, and, as we departed, various uncomplimentary remarks were showered upon my defenceless self, such as "Take him back to his mother's nursey, and put him to bed"; till I rushed into an omnibus which was passing, and fervently vowed that if ever I went to see another football match the authorities might lock me up as a dangerous character. And as I sit here with a glass of brandy and soda by my elbow, I renew that vow with the utmost solemnity.