WIT AND HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 61, 16 November 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR

110 (feeling his way): JJo you think you could be happy with a inmi like me'/ She: Well, perhaps, if lie was not too much like you.

Solinen Man: Do you hear the clock slowly ticking'; Do you know what day it is ever bringing nearer? Cheerful Man: Yes, pay day.

Bob: What is an optimist, pa? l'a: An optimist, my son, is a man who doesn't care what happens—so long as it don't happen to him.

,1 ones: Who is the really perfect man, I should like to know? Drown: The man your wife was going to marry if she hailn't married you. "What," queried the fair widow, "can eipial the warmth of a true woman's love?" " I lie hotness of her temper," calmly replied the scanty-haired widow-

She: Simpson is one of those chaps who never stops to think. He: Perhaps lie knows it would be no use.

"Is marriage too expensive?" is one of the silly season topics. Of course it is, for every man marries the dearest girl in the world. Yon don't have to look for luck. All you have to do is to know when you see it, get aboard and ride it to success. Husband: Would you like to die with me? 'ttife: Oil, no, dear, I would rather live a little longer so that I might mourn for you. ''Your life preserver may be all righV said the buyer for the steamship company, 'but it's so flimsy I don't see how it can support anyone." "Well," replied the manufacturer, "it has supported me and my family for the past year." "Did you tell your master that X helped you with your French, Sidney?'' "Yes, father." "And what did he say?" "lie said he wouldn't keep me in to-dar, 'cos it didn't seem fair that I should have to slider for your ignorance. Dobbin: After all [ spent on that girl her father chased me out of the house. Wobbins: Well, you had a good run for your money. "Hell-, oiliccr, I've been robbed while in that train! At least fifty-three articles have been stolen from me." "I'ifty-three?" exclaimed the astonished policeman. "Yes, llfty-thrce— a pack of cards and a corkscrew—all I had in liie world!" Ite was talking to an earnest advocate of temperance. "You make a great mistake in opposing the christening of a battteliip with a bottle of champagne." "Why so?" asked the temperance orator. "Because," said the critic, "you lose a temperance lesson from the incident. You could say that after the first taste of wine the ship takes to water, and sticks to it ever afterwards." Old Dean: I want an engagement ring. Jeweller: Solid or plated? Old Beau: Will a plated one lust six months? Jeweller: Oh, yes. Old Beau: Well, that will do. My engagements only average three months.

Patience: "That girl tliat goes about with an anchor embroidered on the sleeve of her jacket, is she a yachtswoman'!" Patrice: "Not at all." "Why the anchor, then?" "Oh, you know, an anchor is the symbol of hope." lie: What would your father do if I told him I wanted to marry you? She: He'd refer the matter'to m'e. He (hopefully): And what would you do? She: 1 d refer the matter to the young man who proposed to me and was accepted while you were trying to make up your n,i " d - . r , i wo smart young Londoners once accostod a l'cspeclablc-looking shepherd in Argyll with: "You have a very fine view here—you can see a great way." "\u ay, yu av, a ferry great way." "Ah! You can see America from here, 1 presume';" "I'arrar than that. You jist wail tul the mist gang awa' and you'll sec Hie moon."

A teacher asked her class if the sentence. "The horse and tlic cow is in the lot," were, correct. Most of the class thought it alright as it stood, but one little boy found fault. "Now children," said the teacher, "listen to Tommy. Why is it wrong, Tommy, to say 'The horse and the cow is in the lot?"'

"Please, ma'am, the lady should be mentionrd first,"

A medical student was undergoing a vive voce examination which was testing his powers to the utmost. He got warmer and warmer, and when at last one of the examiners asked liira, "What would you do to throw a patient into a profuse perspiration?" the long-suirering student- replied: "If ordinary drugs had no effect, 1 should send him here to be exiimined. If that didn't send him into a profuse perspiration nothing would!" The justices were visiting the prison. "Ah, you have a pet, I" see, said one of the magistrates to a prisoner who was fondling a rat. "Yes, sir, I think more of that rat than of any living creature." "Indeed," said the magistrate pompously. "Well, there's something of the angel left in every one of us if only one can find it. \\hv are you so fond o:' the rat?' "'Cos 'c bit the gaoler," was the disappointing reply.

At ,\n examination iu ail English school tiic teacher was so pleased witn his class that lie said they could asic liiiu any question lie liked. Some were asked and replied to. Seeing oue little fellow in deep thought, the teacher asked hiui for a question. The boy answered, with a grave face; "I'-please, sir, it you was 111 a solt mud-heap up to your neck, aud I was to throw a blick. at your head, would you duck?"' The answer is not recorded.

A young lad presented himself at a butcher's sliop, and, when the burly proprietor appeared, gave a small order, "lou don't buy so much meat now as Jon did," remarked the butcher. ■■\ o " responded the lad: "it's because father has become a vegetarian." "Well, my lad," came the grave retort, "you give your father warning from me that, as a lulc, vegetarians come to a violent end. 'Jake a bullock—'e's a vegetarian. YVot's the result? V> by, 'e's cut of sudden, in 'is very prime!"

.Moving his hands along the sides of the pilot house and examining the woodwork minutely, the old pilot looked up mysteriously, and remarked: "I sav, stranger, So you know what this boat is made of?' "Made of? Why, pine and oak, isnt she'/" So, sir." "Hemlock?" "No." "It isn't cedar, is it?" "Oh, no." And then the old pilot's eyes twinkled and his mouth whistled a crack tune. "Well, iron, perhaps ?" said the stranger. "No." "What in thunder is she made of llien?" "She's Maid of the Mist, stranger—Maid of the Mist."

Witli the saddening example of the unemployed as a text, the school teacher Was endeavoring to impress the idea of the wrong aud danger of idleness upon her charges. ".Sow, children," she said, "1 want to l'md out how much attention you have been paying. Tell me who is the miserable person who gets clothes and food and lodging, and yet does nothing in return?" There was dense silence in the class, and even after the lapse of twenty seconds only one hand went up to response. "Well, Nellie,' said the instructress, "who is it?" "Please, miss, the baby," said Nellie. •loncs hud a vegetable garden in which he took a great interest. Tirown, his next-door neighbor, had one also, and both were, interested in their potato' patches. One. morning, meeting by the fence, Jones, said: "How is it, Mr Brown, you are never troubled with caterpillars, while lay bushes are crowded with them?" "My friend, that is easily explained." replied Brown. "J rise 'early iu the morning, gather all the caterpillars from my bushes, and throw them into your garden."

A clergyman, in baptising a balir, paused ill t lie. midst of tiio service,to inquire the name of tlie infant, to"\vhieh I lie mother, with a profound curtsev. replied: "Shady, sir, if you please? "Shady!" replied the minister. "Then its a liny, and you mean Shadr.ick, eh?" "No, please it's a girl." "And pray,' asked the inquisitive pastor, "how happened you to rail the child bv such a *1 range name?" "Why, sir," responded the woman, 'jif you must know, our inline is liowcr, and my husband said as how he should like her to be called Shady, because Shady Bower sounds so pretty!"

Ontv. while I'.ishop Talbot, long known lis •■lhe cowboy Bishop," W a3 attending it meeting of dignitaries, a tramp approached a group of Bishops gathered at Ihe hotel porch at noon and asked for aid. "No.' one ot the churchmen replied, "1 don't think we can do anything. Mill down there is the youngest Risho'p of us all (pointing ( 0 I'.ishop Talbot) and he's a very generous man." The liiiuip went to Bishop Talbot and the other-; walched with interest. They saw a look of surprise come over ihc tramp's face—tliey saw that the Bishop was (Hiking eagerly, earnestly—they suv the tramp look perturbed—bill I hey finally saw something pass from hand lo jinnd. The tramp tried to get away wijhoul speaking to those of the group, but the former spokesman called thpiim: "Well, did you get something. from our /oung brother?" The tramp grinned sheepishly. "Ro, T gave him a Uu'inr for his bkmed new cathedral." '

"Is that horse sure-footed?" asked the prospective purchaser. "Well, I should think so-," replied the owner, "lie kicked the stableman three times on the same spot yesterday." Gentleman Lodger: 1 say, Mrs Nappe i', I don't care for your bacon this morning; it doesn't seem fresh. Mrs Mapper: Very strange, sir; the shopman , told me that it was only cured last week. Gentleman Lodger: Well, it must ■ have had a relapse. [ Dorothy Jones, five years old, paused - in her task of arranging the coveis , about her new doll. "Mamma," alio asked, "did you say Smith had a . new baby?" "Yes, dearie, a brand new : baby," answered the mother. "Well, j mamma," came the unsatisfied query, i "what's she going to do with her old one?" l ( DIPLOMACY, f "John," she said, "I notice that aimoit 3 everybody is wearing earrings now." "Hut, my dear," replied John, "if they had such small and shell-like ears as . yours they wouldn't clutter them up in _ that way." Thus diet diplomacy, at [■ least for the moment, stave oil' a eoa- , templated touch. t ON THE IUGHT SIDE. 3 "Fader, T haf made a mistake in gifmg " der schange to dot last gustomer. I , gave him eighteen pence too little." j His Father: "Veil, Ikey, some vise man has said dot ve should try to bro- [ lit by our mistakes." ; I\ATIIEII DIFFICt'LT. . "If we are to retain vour services,yon t must take considerably more care of I vour appearance," said a bank manager , to one of his clerks. "You look as if jj you hadn't shaved for a. week." "Cat, sir, f am growing a beard," the nmii , protested. "That's no excuse," was the . response. "You must do that sort of I thing out, of the business house!" [ t A LONG JOIi. , The barber was one of the loquacious j sort, and his victim's patience was all but gone. The tonsoriai artist clipp ;J his scissors sixteen times in mid-sir an! remarked: "Hair getting a little grey on the temples, sir." "I expect it is." was Hie answe. "Ain't you nearly finished?"