WIT AND HUMOUR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 20 July 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Work cures worry. Youth grows the fairest. Of two evils thoose neither. I One hat can make a matinee. Insurance is the best policy. A sore head ir> better than none. Where ther's a will there's a fray. Soap deferred maketh the dirt stick. Society is the mother of eonventum. Presents make, the heart grow Joudcr. First catch your hare, then ■'hook" it. A fool and his money are Soon spotted. The early disinfectant catches the germ. Never count your chickens be'ere a dark night. A woman blessed is a woman well dressed.

Between two fools we come to the ground. There's many a sip 'twist tkn cup and the lip. Good words arc good, but good feeds are better.

To work for love is to learn to lov your work.

One parent can take a child to school, but ten can't make him think. "It's not the engine with the loudest exhaust, that is hauling the longest train. Tt is not the profanity we niter so much as that we cause, for which wj should be punished. A suburban girl boasts that her mistress is so rich that 'nil her Annuel petticoats are made of silk."

Mankind rather likes being preached at,- he feels important: he has a rare fondness for being a sad dog. But he cannot endure lieing laughed 'it. lie would rather ',)> (,'ood.

Chfjl'v: "Your father bowed to mo very pleasantly on the street to-day." Ediih: "Indeed. Mamma said he'd m-ike some awful blunder if he went out without his glasses."

"That's a lovely card you sent me, dear." "How did you know I sent it?" "It was the same one I sent you last year."

"Begad, Mrs Smart, where do you keep your complexion!" "Where you lost yours, major—in i bottle!"

Mistress of the house: "You wish a character before you leave. What shall T say?" Servant (departing): "Oh. just say that I stayed six months wifli you; that will le quite suflicient recommendation."

Willie (whose father is very keen on gardening) "Papa, if I planted this pip, would an orange tree grop up?" "Of course it would, my boy." "Well, now, papa, that's wonderful." "Not at a'l wonderful.- Why do you say it would be?" "'Because, ]>apa, litis is a lemon pip!"

He began by saying (hat he did not wish to be like the disputatious church beadle, who, when Sf. Paul was quoted, remarked: "Oh! but that's whaur Tail] and me differ."

First tramp: "You won't gat nothing decent there; them people is vegetarians." Second tramp: "fs that right?' First tramp: "Yes; and they've got a dog wot ain't."

"All these stories the papers are printing about you are lies," said the politician's friend. "Why don't you make them stop it?" "[ would," replied the politician "hut I'm afraid they'd begin printing the truth then."

Greene; "I don't believe in forcing children to study music." White: "But you gave your daughter a thorough musical education." Greene: "That's just it. She has the education all right but she can neither play nor sing."

"Sliorry I'm so late ni'dear," began Jingle apologetically, "but shome fresh jokers shtopped me an' wouldn't Icmmc go '' "Indeed?" interrupted his wife. "Why didn't you take tho brick out of your hat and hit them with it?"

"And you say yon have never been ia prison before?" asked the sympathetic magistrate. "No, sir—no, your worship," said the prisoner, being an old band, be gan to weep. "Don't cry about it," said the kind magistrate, "I'm guing to send vou there now."

Doctor: Do you talk in your sleep? Patient: No; 1 talk ill other people's. I'm a preacher.

Lady: I am so sorry your mistress is out. Do you think she will be. at home this evening? Maid: Shc'U have to be, it's my night out."

"Who docs you reckon is the lazies'," said one colored woman, "yoh husband or mine?" "I ain' gwinlu guess," answered the other. "It's bad enough now, wifout stahlin' no competition."

Father: Why, when I was your age I didn't have as much money in a month as you spend in a day." Son: Well, father, don't scold me about it. Why don't you talk to grandfather?"

Mr Sooter (to her litle brother): Jack, if you tell me what Amy wants for a Christmas present I'll bring you something nice." Jack: Well, I heard her tell ma she thought she eould work Mr Adams for a ring and Mr Jones for a necklace and that probably, if a warm spell came along and thawed you out, you'd send a sunbunst."

An Kiiglismau on tour in Ireland, asked his guide: "What is an Irish bull, Pat?'' "Shure," said Pat, "if you see six cows lyin' down in a paddock, and one of them's " standin' up, that's a bull."

She: You say yon would do anything for me, Charlie? He (fervently): I would, darling. She: Well, you know how frightfully red my hair is ? I want you to die yours red. just to keep me in countenance!

Old gent, (to small boy, who is nursing a skinned knee): Did you fall down, little chap? Small boy: Yer didn't think 1 fell up and bashed it agin a cloud, did ver?

"It's very funny," said the housewife, "that the potatoes you bring should be so much bigger on top of the basket than they are on the bottom." '•Miss," said the honest farmer, It comes about this way: P'taters is growin' so fast just now that by the time I get a basketful dug the last ones is ever so much larger than the first, ones."

After preaching a sermon on the fate of the wicked, and English clergyman met an old woman well known for her gossiping propensities, and he said, "I hope my sermon has borne fruit. You heard what I said about the place where there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth?" ''Well, as to that," answered the dame, ''if I 'as anything to say, it lie tliis: Let them gnash their teeth as has 'em—l ain't!"

A lady was gathering statistics for a temperance society publication. Talking one day to a drayman, a big, heavy, and red-faced individual, she asked: "Well, now, my man, tell me how many glasses of beer you drink during the course of a clay." The man took off his hat and scratched his head. "Well, mum," he replied, "I don't know as 'oiv 1 can rightly tell you. gome days i. 'as about thirty, but," brightening up, "on the other hand, some days I 'as quite a lot."

Nora had Leon told to say at the front door that her mistress was not at home when certain callers appeared on the scene. It evidently went much against the grain for her to make herself responsible for even so small a white lie, but slie promised to do so and, with certain modifications, kept her word, "fa Mrs Blank- at home?' queried the caller. "For this wan toimc, Mrs Smithers, she ain't," said the maid; "but Hivin help her if yez aslik me agin! I'll not loi twoice for annyboily livin', upon me sowl!"