CURRENT TOPICS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 480, 14 June 1890, Page 4

CURRENT TOPICS.

BY ZAMIEL, “Poll devil, pull bakor,” appears to be the popular political game in the far North just now. Whangarei wants a railway made to Puhipuhi, so that the silver field and timber trafiic might go exclusively through their district. Puhipuhi lies between .Whangarei and Kawakawa, and the people of the latter district, fearing that their neighbours will succeed in working the oracle to their detriment, oiler to join in the agitation, provided the railway is commenced simultaneously at both ends. Of course, they are so much nearer to Puhipuhi than the \\ hangarei people that the move would be a good one for them. But Whangarei is inclined to have the whole of the cake, and, like Wellington with the Main Trunk Railway, would rather nob see it at all than have another district sharing the benefits. Therefore, unity is out of the question, and the two districts are pulling against each other, while the shrewd politicians of the rival counties make their seats secure by playing one section against the other. And yet this is only the policy of the whole colony on a small scale.

I do hot often write of plays and players, but there is something so charmingly interesting in the thought of a drama written by a great novelist stealing modestly into the world through tho medium of the Auckland stage that a word or two will nob be out of place. "Chums” deserved the enthusiasm with which it was received on the opening night. It is our first play, and the eyes of the Auckland people will watch with anxious interest its fate in the cold and critical outer world. Whatever that fate may be, we must all admit that the play has found a warm spot in all our hearts. It has been conceived in our midst, its associations are essentially those of tho land we love so well, and it is full of the purest sentiments and noblest emotions. We have witnessed its birth, we have applauded its first tottering footsteps, and what wonder then if a little later on we strain our eyes and wait in eager expectancy for a verdict from over the eeas which we shall all hope will bo in favour of our dramatic banbliug ?

There is much to admire in the dialogue of the piece,which is admirably written,but it is justfrom this very meribthatanypossible failure may be feared. Dramatic situations which are so essential to the success of a drama nowadays have been sacrificed to dialogue, and there is a want of effective tableaux. There is, in a word, too little "George Darrellism.” Of course, Christie Murray does not know George Darrell, and that is perhaps a pity. If the two . had collaborated, there could have been no complaint that the dramatic situations were oibher absent or ineffective. Mr Darrell would have seen to that. However, nodoubbMr Murray will himself see at a glance where improvements may be made, and when the charming face of our “ Chums ” smiles for the first time on a London audience no doubt the features of its countenance will have acquired a more mature and pronounced regularity. That its complexion will be injured by the rough blasts of colonial criticism I have no fear.

It is curious from what varied occupations men drift into the police force. This fact occasionally spoils the well-laid planß of legal gentlemen. More than once a detective who produced a sketch of a building has puzzled the defence by quietly vouching for icscorrectness, and stating that he was himself a surveyor and draughtsman. On another occasion a detective was giving evidence as to the injuries sustained by a horse. Quoth the solicitor, "Now, sir, and what do you know about horses ?” "A great deal,” replied the detective, "fori drove a ’bus in London for many years.” Again oneday this week a constable was giving evidence at the Supreme Court, in a case ofallegedsheep-stealing. As he spoke somewhat authoritatively, the Crown Prosecutor put the question, "Have you had any experience of sheep ? ’ " Yes,” replied MeGilp, ‘‘lwas shepherding for years before I joined the force.” Mr Theo. Cooper quietly suggested that he was still shepherding, only it was men instead of sheep. No doubt an ex-sheph.erd is tho best man in the world to hunt up black sheep.

The Irishman’s tendency to say very ridiculous things when he uses the English language with little thought is well-known, and has caused many a laugh. The bulls our genial fellow-countrymen make are, of course, not without their parallels from the mouths even of Englishmen ; but,certainly, the Irish bulls “ take the cake,” as ’Arry would expressively put it. A splendid one is told of the presenthead of the Government Life Insurance Department, himself a Scotchman. Ho began a speech in the House of Representatives with “Mr Speaker the best way to resuscitate a dead corpse,” when he was interrupted amid roars of laughter by an Irishman, the late John Sheehan, who asked, thrbugh the Speaker, how the hon. gentleman proposed to resuscitate a live corpse. I was reminded of this story the other day when a friend related to me a story of the present session of the Supreme Court. An Irish constable from up-country had very cleverly ferreted out

circumstantial evidence in a certain case. A punt had been sunk by cutting holes with an axe, and by boring others with an auger. He had discovered an axe which showed gaps exactly corresponding to the cuts, and an auger which did not fit the bored holes. Being asked how he knew that he had the right axe, he replied that it was because it fitted the cuts so accurately. He was then asked by counsel why he also produced the auger, and replied “Because it did not fit the holes.” An audible smile went round the Court.

Mr Justice Conolly is a judge of very even temper, but went very near losing control over that human safety valve in saying what he thought about the conduct of a witness who was called upon to give evidence in the Supreme Court the other day. The case which occupied the attention of the Court was one in which the accused had pleaded “ guilty ” to a charge of having stolen a saddle. Just to enable His- Honor' to “make the punishment- fit the crime,” the owner of the saddle was called to speak as to its value, which he estimated at about £2,

and a second-hand dealer got into the witness box to explain how he became possessed of the article. This witness stated, evidently in good faith and with a willingness to assist justice, that he bought the saddle from the accused for five shillings, at eleven o’clock at niehfc. The learned judge, addressing the witness, said : “ You have much to be

thankful for, sir, that you are not alongside of the prisoner in the dock. It is you, and ■ such as you, who will buy an article worth pounds for a few shillings at eleven o’clock at night-it is you, and such as you, who I warn you, sir, to be very

careful in the future.” The witness looked perfectly astounded, but, shaking himself together promptly, he asked permission to make an explanation. The judge, assuming an attitude of righteous indignation, replied in the severest tones of reprimand, " Not a word, sir; not one word. I have heard quite enough.” Then the accused was sentenced and the next case was called.

How very very gullible is the bright British public even in the colonies, whore peopleoughb bo hayea prettyfairinsight into shams, Not to speak of the number of religious shams who have lined their pockets well with our good New Zealand gold, we hear every day instances of men being "done brown” by some itinerant vendor of curealls. A few days back a couple of Wellington policemen were victimised by a seller of patent polish, for which they paid 3s 6d a bottle, and which was simply pure linseed nil, which he had bought for 3s a dozen. Every town has its cheap jack, who sells his wonderful cures for toothache, freckle destroyers, crockery cements, headache nostrums, and dozens of other articles at good stiff prices, though the first cost is ridiculously small. Not long since a shrewd adventurer made a nice little haul on the East coast of tho North Island by selling a wonderful extinguisher of kerosene flame. He gave practical proofs of the efficacy of the article, and did 'a roaring trade at a good price per packet. Tho article was blue in colour, and appeared to consist of small crystals. A chemist prevailed on a friend to buy a packet for purposes of analysis ; and it was found to be nothing but coloured salt. The salesman had very few hours’ notice to quit that charming township. But in spite of exposures innumerable wo find the old game flourishing, and the same, capacity for being gulled existing among the people.

It not infrequently happens that some of my valued correspondents burst forth into poetry when seeking to relieve their surcharged feelings on any given topic. To barely admit that this change varies considerably the monotony of a dull, prosaic existence but feebly conveys my thanks for their efforts. The excellence or otherwise of these “ pomes ” is a subject girt about with many embarrassing situations. Here, for instance, is a little thing that has evidently caused some considerable inconvenience in delivery. It is nob inaptly termed "An Alleged Coincidence,” and runs as follows : “ The first of May and Christinas Day Upon the self-3nme day will be. The first of May it was Thursday. Hunt up your almanac and see llow. every year, the first of May With Christmas and New Year agree.”

The reader can readily imagine tho poet’s “eye with fine frenzy rolling” as he once more scanned this chef d’ceuvre before sending it into " those printer chaps ” to desecrate by cutting up into “ copy.” Another amateur beguiles tho flagging hour with what he is pleased to term "a comment on an old proverb.” This is how it runs :

‘‘A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the best of men: So from these lines.it would appear

That those who do at nonsense sneer, And curl the lip, no matter when. Are plainly not the best of men.”

The gentleman is quite right! and yet again he isn’t 1 Some of the very best men in Auckland are those who believe in a "little nonsense now and then,” and snap their fingers at the pains and penalties of the Divorce Courts whilst pursuing pleasure. Others again “who curl the lip” and "do at nonsense sneer,” hold some very fair positions in the city, and if they are " not the best of men,” they certainly possess the shekels, and "that shows,” as the little girls say when they are " playing shop ” with a borrowed loaf and an empty jam tin. Bub just listen to this, which is beaded "Life’s Episodes”:

“ Some babes are born, some hearts are wed. Some souls from earth each breath death snatches; They bring us hope, and joy, and dread— These hatches, matches, and dispatches."

The author of the foregoing seemingly has not only successfully cracked the nut of knowledge, but has evidently eaten with zest far into the bitter kernel of experience. The probabilities are that our young friend not only knows by heart the first two verses of “Down in the Cold Damp Grave,” bub ha 3 assisted himself as chief mourner (l mean bridgegroom) at a marriage ceremony, and having sown the storm is now reaping the whirlwind in the shape of a three months’ old baby with double-barrelled lung power. It is really good weather just now for any youth wishing to graduate in the domestic drama of “ Lifes’s Episodes,” especially that portion of it referred to above—a time in a man’s lifo when he knows exactly how many tacks there are in the bed-room carpet, and can tell you to a fraction of time how long it takes to warm the milk for “ baby’s food ” —the dear little angel 1 ! 1 * * * From the drama of life to the mimic drama of the stage is but a step, and, therefore, apology is hardly necessary here for commenting on some of the nuisances that surround the modern “show.” You have got over the anxiety of catching your ’bus or your boat, and have been landed at the circle entrance with rufHed temper and shirt front. You have presented your checks for self, and lady friends have been ushered into your seats, and await with interest the rising of the curtain. Presently your ears are drinking in sweet sounds and your lips are in a quiescent state, for are you not en evidence to be charmed by the efforts put forth by the mummers ? The double-dyed villain is pursuing the hapless heroine, and Adolphus Fitzgore has just arrived at the O.P. entrance with a sweet pretty moustache and a crowbar. The latter is to effect her release, and the former will no doubt assist at her capture (in an amorous sense) later on in the piece. Your pulses are quickening, and your better half is clutching wildly at your shirt cuff, when a highly-pitched contralto, in your immediate vicinity, is distinctly heard contrasting with a bosom friend the pretty effects of blouse pinafores as against the very old fashion. Her companion responds with a rhapsody on the now “ reefer ” hats. Your olfactory nerves are then assailed by a distinct odour of onions which seems co emanate from somebody near your right shoulder. The ladv is giving her friend a remedy for the prevailing epidemic, and this is bartered for- some interesting disclosures anent “those horrid Parnell-Ponsonbys” who have had “ the audacity to leave cards, and she was our servant, you know!!" All this time there is a distinct sensation of cold air rushing down the nape of your neck, and thinking to avoid another visita* tion of la grippe, you “go out to see a man.” * * * # ■*• -# * * * The next time you attend the theatre you patronise the stalls, thinking that you will at least suffer immunity from scandalmongering evon if you do have to put up with a double dose of ddoriferousnese. Bip

here you are confronted with the " boot fiend,” an otherwise harmless individual who will persist in creaking in late at every entr'acte, and giving you to understand that if he is nob the first of the family who ever wore boots, he has at any rate acquired a new pair and has them on. Your next - door neighbour has made it his business to sib alongside you, just for sociability, and ho has had the felicity, so he tells you, of seeing the play in the Old Country, You become depressed when he contrasts every situation with what he has witnessed before • detrimental, of course, to the colonial production. Moreover, he knows the plot by heart, and pours into your unwilling ear a resume of the same whenever a lull in the dialogue permits. He materially enhances the knowledge he thus imparts by nudging you in the ribs with his elbow, adjacent to where you had a mustard plaster last week. To those who have studied the construction of the modern drama, the infliction of an evening with the man in the pit is no joke. * * * * * *' * * * At your next essay you think you will try the orchestra stalls. Accordingly you annex a comfortable seat commanding a central view, and away from draughts and so on. There is a nice little vacant space just in front, and you hug to your waistcoat the thought that you will nob only be able bo hear but to see to advantage. You are left undisturbed while the orchestra are making frantic efforts to break tho record in a go as-you-pleaso pot pourri, and then a brace of divinities, under the wing of an over-dressed and under-sized youth, drop into the vacant seat, and you are brought face to face with the fact that high hats “ are still in fashion.” The tallest divinity sits directly in trout of you, that is when she is not engaged in arching her pretty neck to catch the sweet nothings of her escort. But there, prose cannot adequately convey to tho mind of the reader the miseries of the high-hat nuisance, and poetry must again take its place. That is to say: I’d write a horrid thing, no doubt, did I compose a sonnet as to the - ay I dodged about one wretched maiden’s bonnet. It was, it I recall aright, the climax of distortion, although its width kept to its height a horrible proportion. I dodged about, but couldn’t find an open space around it, until I heard some one behind cry, " Keep your seat, confound it!” “Oh ! oh !! ah ! ah !! ” the villain cried ; "Spare! spare!!” the maiden uttered: and as invisibly she died, some hasty speech I muttered. Now mimic tempests roared their rage—l heard them, that it certain; but all I saw of play or stage was the descending curtain. Low murmurs, all the house oppressed at scenic shifting magic; and at some wild applause I guessed some elimax had been tragic. I also judged from ‘‘Ain’t she sweet 2" and hushed attention centred, and all the "lovelies” maids repeat, the heroine had entered. “Bang—bang!” T heard a pistol shot—a dying exclamation—so I presumed revenge had wrought its tragic consummation. I knew they entered from the wings: heard thrilling bursts of feeling; but all I saw were Birds and things frescoed upon the ceiling. So wonder not when I indite a blue and bilious sonnet; I paid my money fora sight of selfishness and bonnet. *** * * * * •* -:f Notwithstanding the disabilities enumerated above, I am convinced that "the play's the thing wherein to catch the conscience of ” well, let us say the average ruler—be he great or small, and the opinion advanced some time ago that both church and stage should go hand in-hand aa a means of educating the people, has been considerably strengthened lately by the good morals deduced from the mimic dramas enacted on the stage. * * * * * •% The police legal examinations still continue to engage the attention of the noble guardians of the peace. If a technical point is raised at Court, the constables in attendance are at once all attention, and smile or frown according to their interpretation of the Act. Afterwards they enter into an animated discussion regarding the soundness of the decision given. If you chance to meet a constable off duty and ask him what he thinks of the state of the weather, he looks at you abstractedly and says, " Well, according to Johnston’s Justice of the Peace——” then suddenly remembering himself, talks for a few moments in a rational manner, but generally the conversation returns to the all-impor-tant question of law examinations. The countryconstables who have been attending the sittings of the Supreme Court state that it is hardly safe to walk: nto the barracks unless you are well primed with answers from the Police Manual or some other work. The chances are that the first man they meet greets them with some legal conundrum. So earnest ore the men in the matter that it would not be surprising if Tattersall’s were to issue a card of prices on the event.

One feature of the present sitting of the Supreme Court is the number of trivial cases that have been sent up from the country. Generally the constable in charge of the case is looked upon as guilty of trying to force matters, but this is hardly fair. In country districts small differences are magnified for want of something to distract attention. Therefore, when an opportunity offers, the police officer is communicated with, and, of course, hos to do his duty. It is, no doubt, just possible that the probability of a trip to town may make him unusually energetic ; but, even then, it is the persons who commit that are really in fault. Frequently cases are sent up to the Supreme Court when the evidence is of a trivial nature. These are thrown out either by the grand or common jurv, and thus the country is put to an enormous cost for nothing. Occasionally, however, the grand jury throw oat a bill that should have been retained. That such is the case has been proved more than once by prisoners who had intimated their intention of pleading guilty being agreeably surprised by finding that no bill had been returned. * *■ * «■ * * •x- * * Whilst it must be admitted that the amount involved does not lessen the crime, still it does seem ridiculous that the country should be put to the cost of from £4O to £SO to deal with a case in which the value of the article stolen was only 7s. Surely some system of regulating such mattei-s might be conceived. Then another point is worthy of consideration. Once this session a prisoner was left without witnesses because he had not sufficient funds to pay their expenses to come to Court. This strikes one as being scarcely consonant with British justice. Why should a poor man be deprived of the opportunity to prove his own innocence, when at the same time the public funds are available to bring any number of witnesses to fix the guilt upon him ? Surely here, too, some alteration might be made.