HUMOROUS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 441, 29 January 1890, Page 4

HUMOROUS.

At a negro wedding, when the minister read the words, 4 love, honor, and obey,’ the bridegroom interrupted him, and said, 4 Read dat agin, sah ; read it once mo’, an’ read it slow, so’s de lady kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin’. I’se been married befo’.’ Washerwoman, on whom an enthusiastic Female Suffragist has called during business hours— 4 No, I don’t want a vote, I haven’t the time.’ Female Suffragist: 4 But if you had a vote, whom would you support?’ Washerwoman: 4 The same man I’ve been supporting the last ten years.’ Female Suffragist: 4 Who’s that?’ Washerwoman : 4 My husband, of course.’ Wife (11.30 p.m.): 4 What’s that horrible odour? Smells like alcohol.’ Husband: 4 Y-e-s, my dear ; we use alcohol at the lodge for initiations. Take some alcohol, light it, put some salt in the flame, and it gives a ghastly yellow light; make 3 folk look like ghosts, you know.’ Wife: ‘But that odour comes from your breath.’ Husband : * Y-e-s, m’dear; in the thirtyseventh degree I personate the chief demon with the flames coming from his mouth. I take a mouthful of alcohol and a swallow of salt, and then set fire to it. But, m’dear, you mustivt tell these things. Secret s’ciety. Secrets very sacred, you know.’ 4 And you went up the Rhine, I suppose ?’ said Mrs Malaprop. 4 Oh, yes, it was beautiful.’ 4 And did you see any Rhineoceroses ?' 4 1 hear your church have sent your pastor for a long vacation. Why, I saw him last week, and a stronger, healthier looking man 1 never want to see. He doesn’t need a rest.’ ‘I should say not; we sent him away to give the congregation one.’ Bobby (who has been sitting patiently half an hour) — 4 Mr Boomer, I wish you would pop the question to Bella.’ Bella—--4 Robert, you naughty boy, what possessed you to make such a preposterous remark ?’ Bobby (sulkily)— 4 Well, anyway, ma said if he did you’d jump at the chance, and I want to see you jump.’ Two millers met one day on the banks of the Clyde. 4 Ay, John,’ said Sandy, 4 things are lookin’ geyan brisk the noo.’ * Brisk,’ quoth John, energetically, 4 that’s no wird for’t. Man, corn is not to be had for love nor money, there’s nae barley in the market, an’ as for beans—man, Sandy, what are ye makin' yor beanmeal o’ i’ the noo?’

Paterfamilias has much to answer for. His sins are many, but of all the good stories told concerning his weaknesses in the eyes of his family, the best I have heard for a long time reached my ears the other day. It is told by a gentleman who was visiting at a house in Ponsonby. A lovely, flaxen-haired child of six years, the pet of the family, attempted to open a door, which stuck. She pulled and pulled, but could not move it. * 4 D n it!” they were astonished to hear her say as she gave a supreme tug, and the door yielded. 44 Why, what do you mean, Maud ?” exclaimed the horrified mamma. “ That’s the way papa opens it,” said Maud, innocently. 4 What did ye buy wi’ that tuppence ye asked me for this morning, Janet?’ said a parsimonious man to his wife. 4 Weel, John, I bought a pennyworth o’ laces and a pennyworth o’ preens,’ said his dutiful spouse. 4 Ye aye want to ken everything.’ 4 And have I no a good right ?.’ said he with righteous indignation, 4 when I’m launching pot money like that. 5