LAPSUS LINGUÆ.

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 432, 28 December 1889, Page 5

LAPSUS LINGUÆ.

' The t-tongue can no m-man t-tarae, and mine is a reisting j-jade,' said a poor stammerer once, lamenting his want of control over his vocal organs. Humiliating as such an affliction is, it can scarcely bring such agonies of shamo as the best-trained tongue by a sudden slip may entail upcn its owner. What, for instance, must have been the feelings of the dignitary who gavo the post-prandial toast of * The Merchant Company's Tailor ?' Ko doubt he felfc sure that many might attributo the absurdity to his indulgence in the supplies pro\ided by the Merchant Taylors Company's wine merchant. For those who cover themselves with confusion by such slips, it may be some consolation to know that they havo many companions in their fall. Mistakes of this kind are very common on the stage. Mooro in his ' Diary ' tells us of an old actor who regularly said ' coisened pup ' for ' poisoned cup ;' and this rendering so ingratiated itself with the audience, that when on ono occasion he accidentally gave the phrase properly they clamoured till he repeated it in his accustomed form. In Richard lll., act first, a gentleman interposing between Richard and Henry's body has to say — ' My lord, stand back and let the coffin paps. 1 An actor once transmuted this into the extraordinary request. — ' My. lord stand back and let the parson cough.' The greatest actors are not exempt. Charles Kemble, as Shylock in the tiial scene, for — 'Shall I lay perjury upon my soul 'i' substituted — 'Shall I lay surgery upon my poll ?' We wonder if Portia kept her countenance, and Antonio still looked like one under the shadow of death. Another Shaksperiaß error is — ' How .sharper than the serpent's thanks it is To have a toothless child !' The pulpit, too, has its record of lapsus Uiiquh: A minister once prayed for all men — 'From the beggar on the throne to the king on the dunghill.' Vaguely conscious of his error, he hastened to improve (?) matters by substituting— 1 From the king on the dunghill to the beggar on the throne.' We have heard of a young pieacher who got into trouble over the words k jot and tittle. 5 He gavo them first as " tot and jittle,' and a general smile showed him his error. • I mean jit and tottle,' he exclaimed ; and as the smile broadened into a laugh— 'No, no, my friends, it is tit and jottle, I would say,' he cried wildly ; after which supreme eflort he vanished into judicious obscurity A Lammermoor worthy, still locally famous, was appointed beadle in the Parish (Jhurch. A frieud observed to him, ' vVeel, Sandy, I hear your conneckit wi the Kirk noo V 'Hoots, man, it's no very muckle,' said Sandy. ' I juist cairry the bell and ring the Bible !' A farmer once made a vain attempt to describe a heavy bullock he had just sold. • He was the biggest for his size I ever caw. What are you all laughing at ? Made a mistake, have I ? Well, he was the heaviest beast for his weight I ever sold. Grinning again ? Pack o' fools !' and he went off in great wrath. Of slips less pnrely literal and verbal, 1 things one would rather not have said, 5 the annals of fun record an endless supply. Doubtless sheer embarrassment is the cause of many which are set down to icrnorance. A very slight confusion might account for the remark of a lady who had accompanied a friend to an organ recital, ' That's all vory well ; but you just wait till they put on the vox populi.' The presence of royalty is the ' efficient cause 'of some capital blunders. Quite a historic slip was made by the Earl of Effingham when reprimanded by George ( 111. for some errors in the arrangements at bis coronation. *It is true, sir, there has been some neglect ; but I have taken care that the next coronation shall bo legulatcd as exactly as possible,' said the Earl, greatly to the young -King's amusement. In ' Blackie's Encyclopaedia, 1 in which, as one may readily suppose, jests are few and far between, the following is given as a gem :—ln: — In the early part of the century a Kingiof Bavaria was travelling through his domain, and the burgomaster of a small place had to deliver an address: He thought kings were addressed orally as they were in writing, and bogan — • Most eerenest, most highest, great mightiest,' in proper style. But being accustomed to hear such phrases in one connection onlj", he yielded to his associations, ' and addressed the astonished monarch as • Ever- ' | lasting Lord and God, Almighty Father;' ; • Kindly insert this obituary notice as soon as possible,' wrote a gentleman to a local editor, ' for the deceased had a gieat many friends who will be glad to hear of liia death/ A minister meeting cme 1 of hi» flock on the street one day, observed that he was going to see an elder Brown, who had been ill. ' Ah, sir,' said his parishioner, •we will never see elder Brown again ; he has gone to a better world !' Suggeative, that ! An Irish M.P., without any intention of being sitopercol, once exclaimed, in defending ancienb institutions — ' With trial by jury I have lived^ and by the blessing of Providence, with trial by jury I will die!' It was an English colleague who atated the | land problem^ to be ' to devise some means by which poor- people of the' agricultural districts, can live on land which cannot possibly support them' — a, saying which looks suspiciously as if it had crossed the Channel. . , : . A showman at a fair endeavoured to "attract' the] gullible into his caravan in the following equivocal terms--' Step in, gentlemen ; step in. 'Take* my word' for it, ! you 'will be highly delighted when' you get out.' 1 A very- Superstitious man-wastold-fchafc, 5 the J y ear 'began onFriday. T 'Very bad,' he, ■ sighed; ' '/If it 'only doesn't begin on the ' • thirteenth ias well!' "> » .<> ,i-v\ > >c, , '//,'Siy malice^' perhaps a^^th'ef'boUdm'ot' .some^apparent} slips,] hi wh'ich'^'e," will' give three example?. " A? doctor I ,' presenting his j jlpillto.t/'he' executor' 'of "the 6s,tatQ ; v 6f,,a' de-: ceased patient,/ asked^ Do ■ you^ want my bill sworn to ?' ' * Oh, no, ' quite unnecea--saryj' said "the executor. ' r ' The i (death of. the deceased' 'is quite sufficient; evidence that 'you attended him pfofcasionally.' <

/.I'm afraid /I am too late,' s said a con« edited bore coming in after the soup., * * Oh, 1 Mr Smith, you can never be too late,' said the hostess, with a smile, which rendered her words i enigmatical. • I'm afraid, love, you'll forget me when I'm away,' said a sailor to hie sweetheart. •No fear of that,' she replied/ {The further away you arc, the better I shall liko you.' The following anecdote is nob inappropriate as a wind-up. A gentleman' >vas giving a dinner party, at which a very stupid vouveau riche was present. As the dishes were being carried in, an awkward servant let an ox tongue fall from the plate to the floor. ' Novcr mind,' cried the_ host. •It is only a /o^wn lingua 1 V whereupon arose Homeric laughter, and the evening's festivities were happily inaugurated with mirth. The wealthy blockhead, who usually found his own entertainments intolerably dull, resolved on a similar introduction to his next dinner party, and instructed his servant accordingly. When the guests weie seated, the man entered and allowed a large piece ot beof to slip to the floor. 'No matter, 1 cried the evultant host, 'it is only a /apsti* f ing me. 1 Undoubtedly the guests shouted with laughter, but the jest was hardly what the innocent plotter intended. M. Falconer.