CURRENT TOPICS (By Zamiel in the "Auckland Star,")

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 398, 31 August 1889, Page 3

CURRENT TOPICS (By Zamiel in the "Auckland Star,")

No one can read from time to time of the stories of wrongs and injustices helped upo n the city of Wellington without some feeling of pity for her woes. She is indeed the child of misfortune, and, as the ugly sister in the family of New Zealand, has ever been the victimof unkindness.' It wascruel of Nature in the first instance to be so sparing of her favours when they were so lavishly be" stowed upon the more beautiful sisters in the North and South. It was unkind of rude Boreas to spoil her complexion with his horrid blasts, and thus render her otherwise plain appearance positively forbidding. It was ungenerous of Fortune to restrict her dowry, and make her an objept of scorn rather than admiration" to wealthy suitors, who might possibiy have closed their eyes to her ugliness if her purse had been heavy. All these wrongs have been done, and the wonder is that the temper of the ugly sister has not soured against her fate. But no. She has the qualities and' disposition of an angel, and the envious sisters in t the North and South lose no opportunity of making her the object of their malice and envy.

The jealousy of the lovely sisters towards the ugly one, is perfectly appalling. They tell other people she is plain, when the aforesaid other people might not have noticed it themselves. They enlarge upon her bad complexion, and make much of the cheapness and.dowdiness of her dress. And in these cruel devices the prettiest sister of all" is said to be the most cruel. She descends to terrible depths of degradation. Her beauty attracts the crowds of lovers who might otherwise be smitten by the plain face and" bad complexion of the ugly maiden, and she ever displays her malice' by cheating the less favoured object of her spite. But this is not all. Whisper ! She has stooped 'to murder. But enough of this metaphor.

The latest development of Auckland jealousy towards Wellington is really shocking, and I am surprised at the fiendish acts to which the people of this city may stoop to gratify their malice. The idea of sending a parcel of typhoid fever to Wellington and opening it up in Government House there just to scare the Governor from staving in Wellington. Poor, good man, his noble resolve to stick to Wellington at whatever cost enticed him to better treatment than to have typhoid bombs placed under his pillows and hidden in the mysterious recesses of his carpet slippers. It is not- stated in what kind of a, parcel the typhoid was conveyed, but probably it was in a bottle. I wonder who sent the consignment of microbes, where they were caught, and whether the contents of the bottle were to be well shaken before taken. These details are of importance and should be investigated by the proper authoritiesIt is no laughing matter, dear reader. The subject is a serious one. But, shades of the departed, if you must laugh, let it be at the thought of Wellington requiring to import typhoid.

Saturday ia usually conceded to the "gods" as a kind of "off" night 'in the pit at the Opera House, and more latitude than usual is allowed them on that evening, but whether in order to allow their super-abundant spirits to evaporate before the Sabbath' sets in I am not prepared to say. There does not appear to be any especial reason why the concession so sensibly made to the denizens of "the place below " should not also be extended to the patrons of the dres3 circle, and I am pleased *to say that' I am not alone in my opinion. A jovial after-dinner party in evening dress set the fashion on Saturday evening last. They had a coterie oi friends* in the stalls beneath, and during the intervals pelted them energetically with crumpled programmes, banana peelings, jujubes, and any other missiles that came handy. The party below returned the fusilade with spirit, and the diversion, 1 can assure toy readers, was fully enjoyed by the spectators. The pleasure of the other patrons of the " circle " was also enhanced during the progress of the opera by ! arguments carried on by the same gay party in a highly-pitched tone of voice, the frequent relation of spicy items of scandal which might have been overheard in the next street, and frequent i and hearty shrieks of laughter. Oh, yes, an occasional off night in the dress circle would be a great draw ; but it should be ■announced. •- * + * * * * * *

Ib is astonishing what queer fossils are to be found occupying positions in and about churches, such as vergers and sextons. One Anglican church has got an old man who appears to be as deaf as the lady who, upon hearing a royal salute fired close by, quietly looked up and 3aid, " Come in please, and don't knock so long." This qld gentleman has attended to the church for something like a quarter of a century, and theresultisthathe generally knows what are the usual questions asked, and gives stereotyped replies whether they suit or not. At times the old man's deafness causes gre.at amusement. For instance, the other evening they were running a limelight show in the Sunday-school attached to the church. .The old verger 'turned up punctually and planted himself by the meter witjh a look on his face which said plainly enough " I^ll do my duty." After a few preliminary remarks, the chairman quietly said, *' Will you please turn down the gas ?" Bub the old man with his hand on the tap was- gazing serenely at the ceiling. Then two gentlemen went and whispered to him," .and he smilingly replied, " Oh, yes ; I'll turn it down as soon as I'm told " Then they, roared till their faces were purple trying to let? him understand that they were ready. The old man laughed gleefu.lly and said, "Ha ! ha ! Yes ! yes ! As soon as ever he's done talking, I'll turn ib down." It was not until a gentleman, well known in the law courts, had shouted and motioned energetically, that the old man understood what was wanted, and then' he "doused the glim.',

By, and by, the, old chap created still more fun. A lady got up oufc of her seat and politely asked him to close some of the windows. He appeared pleased ,at being noticed and said with his sweetest smile, "Oh, yes, J, always look after the gas, you know." The lady then pointed to the windows and repeated the request. He looked anxiously in the direction indicated,^ and replied, "Ah, well, it won't hurt. The stones can't get through the wire." A gentleman then asked the old man for a pole to reach the window. The usual discussion' and pantomime followed, and at length he understood that a pole was wanted. Looking at his interrogator with' good-humoured contempt,' the verger said, "You don't need a pole to turn the 1

- gas with ; I manage that here." He then turned back to the meter/ and the lady and gentleman gave up the task as hopeless. At one part of the performance the gas had been turned up, and then a* gentleman came out to sing a song descriptive of the next view. He had a lusty, bass voice, and as soon as he started those near the old man tried to get him to turn down 'the gas, but he was not to be had that way, for, shaking his head, he pointed quietly to the singer, and said, 'Til turn off the gas when he's done talking."

An esteemed lady correspondent sends ime 'the following, . with the assurance that it was written by her little brother, • six and a half years of age :-^Essay on man. Man is a long animal,, though some are. short, particularly in their tempers, especially <my -Pa when he comes home and finds his slippers full, of snails '; then he makes short work of me. Pa at once issued a mandate, demanding the cessation of my "stupid tricks," saying thab they were not commensurate with the age I have attained. I manoeuvred to get out of his way and said I would mend as I advanced to manhood r, meantime, my spirits wsre buoyant. I must manage to return to my subject, but it is a difficult ooe to manipulate. Manfswaats are manifold, particularly, at mealtimes, when Ma says Pa manifests too many, for the mangy allowance he gives her for housekeeping. Man is mendacious, 'cause when the tailor called round with his account, Pa reprimanded Tom for opening ,'the door., and commanded me to say he was in tpwn manufacturing ma?sgles. Man -is humane, except when he ma?&acles his little boy for mantling 1 the cat in his best coat, and new shirtovMan lives in a mansion if he can afford to pay, for the manner in which it must be kept up;, if not, he has a ??ianger or something else wooden for his home. Pa pays I have far too much mcmdible, so I will essay to close my mankind remarks, ! with a real- bit off Latin, "Humawum est errare.'' P.S. — Pa saysl am a maniac. **** * * i

I am very much inclined to agree with pa, and 1 would earnestly advise my correspondent to look carefully after the little man. Perhaps it would be wise to give him something for it. If he is such a caution at six years and a half, what would he become by the time he had reached the years of discretion ? What aprospect is in store for his future schoolmates, and what a fate for the unfortunate girl who should happen in years to come to fall in love with him ! No, my dear friends, unless you would have the little ,man become the buffo of an opera company or the exiled prince in a lunatic asylum, cure him of his present disease.

Apropos of shipping" matters and ships, a " shot " anent our harbour regulations may not be' out of place. It has frequently been a matter of complaint with masters and agents of vessels calling into the port of Auckland in distress or to replenish their stock of provisions, that they have been charged full light dues and other charges without any concession being made on account of the reason of putting in. There should obviously be some difference in the treatment by the local authorities and the Customs of ships putting in here through necessity or for safety andtrading vessels bound here in the ordinary course. The port restrictions may not unlikely caupe ships in similar circumstances to that of the ship Carnarvonshire (which haa just put in here from Howland Island, bound to Hamburg, for provisions), to avoid the Waibemata, and in preference to make for either Sydney or for Suva, Fiji, where every possible concession is made to vessels in like straits. Frequently vessels from the Islands bound to Europe, call into Auckland either for repairs or for provisions and stores, but the high light dues, etc., are likely to deter many from entering the port. Auckland has been extolled for its cbeap and good provisions of all sorts, and vessels calling in for supplies should not b# driven from the place by in- } judicious regulations.

The Board of .Education has instituted a new course" of treatment in regard to the requests for improvements and requirements made weekly by the Committees of the various districts under its jurisdiction. If the Committee be representative of a large town or suburban district with a considerable capitation allowance, the Board meekly grants its request to have certain work done, because the Committee is out of funds. If, however, the Committee represent a small out-of-the-way district with an allowance of say £5 yearly, and a request be made for a stove to warm the building- in winter, or for a drain to carry the water off the school ground, or for some funds to remove a landslip, the Committee is told that a new policy has been instituted by tho Board, that country settlers are to be taught to help themselves and that a few of them should give the labour of a day or two and get the work done. And the Board is virtuously indignant at the begging spirit manifested by such requests, and calls on the world to admire its care of the public purse. It votes, say, £50 for new appliances for some city night school because the Committee is powerful, but it refuses 10s to drain the school ground at Thingumbob Lane because nobody is likely again to hear of Thingumbob Lane.

The Board asks country Committees to do certain %york themselves, the work being such that the Board considers ib can very well be so done. Now, who is to do it ? Are the members of Committee to give three or four days to it ; or are the people in a body to meet and have it done in one day ? If the first method, then there will be no country committee next year ; and if the second, it will look a bit funny ibo have the whole able-bodied population turn out to carry, say a couple of cartloads of earth off the" school grpund. The Board may say,' •* Le 6 the'pe'Sple put their bands in their pockets 'and subscribe." But surely the Board knows that these country settlers are many o!" them not in a position' to- glv'e ;" while those who are in such a position are ■ like their* brothers on the Board --very willing to , ask others to put their hands in their pockets. The matter \va9 brought home to the members very well last Friday, when the Secretary of a country committee wrote offering ( to give 10s to the fund for a particular work if each member of the Board did the same. The Board smiled at the joke ; but they did not see that it was an application to themselves of their own policy.

Are there any of my lady readers who know what, it is< to be really and truly loved 1 Mind, lam not asking from impertinent curiosity, but because a little ,story was whispered to me from this week, and I am rather anxious to have an opinion from anyone who has gone, through the fiery furnace of a requited passion. It appears that the mystic .moonbeams and the twinkle of the stars were making soundless harmonies on the clear, yet frosty evening alluded to as a young and handsome couple walked^ together down the old road, and. past the free night-school to a sequestered spbt,free from what was generally understood to be

prying eyes, and Maori bugs. ; He was im^ mersed in his own thoughts— she "in ■''a fashionable borrowed ulster, and intently figuring up its cosfci when he abruptly asked, "Mabel, do you know what love'ls?" 1 Simply, yet with an eloquent quiver of her pretty pouting lips, she answered, " I do 1" i After a brief pause, in which there was a suspicious crackling of dry leaves* he resumed, VI mean, . darling, were you' ever the object of a love that was as fierce^ as> the onslaught of a full-back — no, (I ( I mjaa'n , as the onslaught, of a tiger, and as un-, quenchable as the thirst of a — no— a— s,unquenchable 'as .the stars ?, Were you ever thus truly loved?",' Thoughtfully, silent but one. brief moment, she replied-^ "Was I ever truly loved? George, .cojne back- to the house with me and I'll show you two diamond rings, six lovely valentines, and 'three large albums full of photo-, graphs." George slightly shivered, and was silent. The marriage is not,yeb announced by the papers. * # * ♦ •>•■'* •

Everybody will bail with satisfaction the deduced fares instituted by the Tram Company for night travelling, and going homo from the opera during- one night this week I had the felicity to be seated near an es- ' timable citizen and his wife, who were criticising my vis-a-vis, a charming widow. -• " Ah," said the husband, " she's a fine woman, and very handsome." This seemed to pique the wife, for she moved away slightly from her partner and was silent for some minutes, 1 then placing her hand softly on his arm, and looking up, at> him with a shy, tender light in her soft 'brown .eyes, said — " Will -you fqrgive youtf little wifey ? I know I was ab- ' surdly and jealously angry."' The husband, who had been ' studiously • studying the pretty widow 'behfn'd 'fciis libretto, replied —'' Certainly, my love :" "and again pretended to read. Again the tender; pleading accents smote his auricular and mine at "the' same time. "And will you grant one little request! have to make, darling?" " Qf . course, my love !" he replied. " You say you think widows are charming, and*-" she commenced, but he interrupted, "Yes, I did say so, but — " "Then, Alfred, make me one — I shall be bo happy. " Just then the car jolted over a piece of road metal, and seizing a favourable opportunity, I reached for the conductor's steadying arm, clutched wildly at the hand-rail, and made a phenomenal leap into the darkness and mud, reaching- the footpath in a somewhat bespattered condition, but glad to leave a sultry atmosphere.

A good story is going the rounds of the ladies' sewing circles concerning a singular mishap that befel some young men who went "to see the girls' honie 1 from Bibleclass " ' the other evening. i These amorous swains, it appears, were in the habit of assembling outside of the ante-room ot thfe church wherein their more devout brethren and sisters received their weekly exposition of the Scriptures, and, in order towhile away the time, they entered into the discussion of things in general. On one occasion they were rather astonished to see the door suddenly open and to re-ceive-a special invitation from the parson, who blandly suggested to the young gentlemen tha't^' it wiuld be more comfortable for them to 'come inside and wait," but th'eydidft't'" catch-on," as our Yankee cousins would say. The last x and most. eventful occasion was of more recent date.' The young fellows had assembled, as- usual,' , " outside " of the sacred precincts, and, asluck would have it, they were " outside "i" i the fence that surrounds the .person's residence immediately adjoining. 1 - The night was cold, the Bible - class lasted until an unusually late hour, and they were , fain to be a little lively for the sake of keeping the blood in circulation. Things" were progressing well enough, and" the young fellows were deep in an, all-absorbing argument on the relative merits 'of- their girls, their beauty, their taste'in the matter of dress, the style in which they- " smiled at me-" and so on, when suddenly, up went the curtain, and the scene was changed. > From the other -side of the fence came a bucketful of slops, and the discussion ' ended very abruptly, the amorous s.wains • all steering the speediest course for home and disinfectants, for the subsequent proceedings of the Bible-class interested them no more. It subsequently transpired that it was not the reverend gentleman but the slavey who perpetrated this joke, and the amorous young men ,are vowing vengeance against the perpetrator.