RANDOM SHOOTS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 330, 2 January 1889, Page 3

RANDOM SHOOTS.

Zamibl in the " Auckland Star " thus discourses on current topics :—: — In times of festivity such. A3 thd present people are wont to become somewhat more generous than usual. This fact is well understood by the professional mendicant, who takes advantage of tho weakness to increase his store. The other day one of this class called in at a shop in Newton and asked for a trifle with which to buy a Iced. The shopkeeper handed him over u "Colonial Robert,", for which the man thanked him and left so hurriedly that it made the donor suspicious. Ho went to tho door, and was just in time to see his man dive into the nearest hotel. Ho followed promptly, and arrived at the door at the same moment as the bar-tender-was putting- down a pint of beer ior tho loafer The shopkeeper felt wx-oth, but for all that he acted with considerable promptitude. Quickly stepping up to the bar, he snatched up the pewter, quaired the contents, and then quietly asked tho barman to hand over the change, at the same time explaining matters. It is, needless to .state that the tramp did not wait until the conclusion of the statement. < i i ■< f > t » For Chrtstmastidemany of the tradesmen in the city and suburbs had their places of bu&ines& smartened up with paint. One sausage-maker even went the length of a Latin motto. His ,sign is resplendent with the woids "Fide et Opera.'' Come to think of it, " Faith and Works "is not a bad combination in sausages. For instance, those savoury bags of mystery must necessarily call upon the faith of the pm'chaser. He or she buys and eats them on the faith that they are composed of certain edible matciialb, but none but the butcher's boy really know* what is in them. Then as to the work, " Zamiel" has tender recollections of " sassangers " which were anythii £j but tender, in fact they required an amount ot work in tho way of mastication, and also faith that the work could be completed. Of course, this does not in any way refer to the knight of tho cleaver who has chosen such an appropriate motto as " Fide et Opera," for his works are above suspicion, and the faith of his customers in him is unbounded. ** • A " seasonable " growl reaches me from the marine suburb, and I have pleasure in giving a voice to it, for the sake of the worthy housewives on the Northern Shore of our harbour. A correspondent draws at tention f o the thoughtless and selfish habit indulged in by a number of city people, of dropping in to sec their friends at Northcote or Dcvonnort just about the hour for the mid-day meal. If these marauders would only exert; their imaginations to the extent of supposing a change of places, and picturing themselves in the position of receiving visitors before they have had time to straighten things up a bit and exchange their morning gown for a tidier dress, they would be able to appreciate the extent to which they worry and annoy the recipients of their friendly visits. Tho practice of which my correspondent complains is utterly indefensible, unless the visitors have received a special invitation to call atan eaily hour. Thereat e refreshment rooms and strawberry gardens where people who go over for a change of air can regale themselves in ease and independence, and they may ie&fc a-sured that their welcome at the house of an acquaintance would be all the moie ' hoarty for being made in time for "afternoon tea," when the lady oi (ho house is in a mood to rest from her labours and indulge in a little quiet goaaip. Not that "Zamiel" believes in tea - drinking, or would for a moment encourage gossiping ; but there arc worse vices lampant in our midst. If tho moniiug callers don't take j this hint, they must get a taste of the ! treatment recommended by tho old adage, " They who come unbidden must sit unnerved.'' Before the Sabbath obser\ance controversy quite dropb out of public notice, I would like to place on record a rather amusing instance of how a hardy .son of Caledonia squared his precept and practice with regard to the "Hawbatb." He owned a mill up-country, and, there being 1m parson in the di&tiiet, was in tho habit of holding forth to the "hands" on Sunday-. It chanced on one of i hesc occasions that he treated tho subject of Sabbath observance, and drew a btiictly Picsbyterian picture of the manner in which the sacred day should be kept. But it chanced also that the mill was running double time just then, and it was very important that it should start at one second pa:-t midnight. So as soon as the service was ovei the mill-owner signalled to one of hib congregation to lemain and addressed to him the following woids : "Slip awa doon, man, iind tiing: a bhool o' coal on the fire, to hae steam tip for startin' at twal o'clock ; but dae'tquately, ye ken, and dinnaletonybody see ye !" I wonder Low many of those who have lately been showing themselves zealous for the sanctity of the Sabbath are in the habit of doing, approving or ordering to be clone similar acts on Sunday, provided only that it be done quietly and without anybody seeing ! ■> * - ■» +■ ■» ■. Visitors trom the country, "tenderfoot "' who are making a brief acquaintance with the mysteries of city life, occasionally fall into queer scrapes and get placed in peculiar circumstances. One highly respectable country settlor who a short time back paid Auckland a visit had an experience that, comic as it is in its way, he has no deeirc to repeat. If his wite or his neighbours only got an inkling of it, he would not even dare to think of it. He does not often como to town, and on the occasion in question ho decided to have a really good shave and a shampoo. For this purpose he entered the shop of a wellknown tonporial artist who never works with his coat on. Our friend ot the country removed his coat, and when the oporations on his cranium had finished ho so lost himself in wondering admiration at his much-improved appearance that he appropriated the coat of the barber, leaving his own new one behind him. Strange to say, though his self-complacent glances sought his reflection in every shop window, it did not strike him that he had a strange habiliment on. Our friend got a little gay that night ; he looked on the wine when it was red, and otherwise went astray. It is passing strange how an annual or a bi-annual visitor to town will stray from the path of virtue. I will not say where he wound up his day's sport, but when the next morning he rose with a bursting head and asked for a brandy and soda it struck him that he had been a " bally fool." This feoling was accentuated when he discovered that his own coat, his New Zealand tweed coat of which he was so proud, was yon est. He stormed and raved, ho cursed and he swore, but that coat was not to be seen. Jlis hostess calmly told him that he had appeared in the identical garment that • then sainted his contemptuous glances, and \ eventually lie had to beat a retreat with it. He "did nob cave to make a noise about ib or

p.ub * the matter in »the bands of -the authorities, for " his missus " wotfld hear about it, and then he' would" get fits. He, however, casually mentioned the matter to , a policeman in the street), saying if/ they heard of that coab, being foundwith any suspicious character they would know whose ib was. Fortunately for him, the barber had told the police about the absentminded stranger who had appropriated his coat, and all being well that ends well our f '• friend from the country is once more happy, though he has apprehensive pangs oc- , casionally when he thinks of what "the missus " would say if she only knew. f- # •* * * * * (• *• There hag been some little noise made over the setting of the geographical paper for^ the Auckland Junior Scholarship Examinabion this year, and perhaps there was some justification for the growl. I should like very much to see the examination papers of the candidates, for I guess that, in the circumstauces, they will be highly entertaining. Here are a few lessons in geography "culled from the papers of the American public school pupils :• — An archipelago is something that casts up nro and water Vesuvius. Auslralcya list to be used by the English 0 keep men on that was not bad enough to bo killed. The English long ago ust to send their prisoners there when they did anything not worth hanging. Part of Australia is vague. The interior of Africa is principally used for purposes of exploration. The greater antills arc sugar, orange 3, coffee, The alligator is the largest insect in North America. The camel grows in Greenland. There is snakes all over the frigid zone. The tropic of Cancer is a very hopeless disease. When such answers are given when the examination lias presumably proceeded on the same lines as the preparation, there must bo some very amusing exercises among those which were filled up last week by Auckland youths, who had been studying Europe and New Zealand only to have a bushel of hard questions about Asia and America hurled' at them. From the list of bull's-eyes made by the "young idea" of the United States, I cull a few other laughable items. In defining words, pupils declare :— " Stability is taking care of a stable." ''Evangelist, one who speaks from his stomach." "Teutonic, a very strong sorb of spring medicine." " A critic is something to put your foob on to." " Missionary, when a man goes to the heathen and they eat him all up." The youth who gave the lastquoted definition had evidently digested the subject. The confusion of ideas between "evangelist" and "ventriloquist is very funny, and the connection of a stable with stability and of medicine with Teu-tonic shows how sound occasionally obscures sense. I refrain from acting the "critic" lest someone should incline to pub their ioob on me ; but I cannot refrain from quoting a few examples of juvenile historical bulls. We aie told by one student that "Joan of Arc was rather pious and very genteel,' and by another that "Charles 11. was given to debauchery and other terrible sport's." Yeb another makcb the discovery that " Magna Charta was a great man, and lie was called Magna Charta because lie u.sed to 30 about preaching ;" while yet another waxes graphic in describing the French Revolution thus : — " The resurrection in Paris was headed by the Basted and the Royal Family was an ungovernable mob." Perhaps the choicest bit of muddle, however, is the following account of the Saracens :—: — " The Saracens came to England with William the Conqueror and lounded the Saracen language. They mnde all the people wiitc theio laws in it, and they brought the feudal system with them and rung it every night at 12 o'clock."' "A policcinaifb lot is not a happy one." So sang they in the, '• Pirates, <J and sure enough it is hue. Look at the Salvation Army trouble. The City Council makes by-laws which the police are supposed to enforce. If they do it they get into trouble Avith the public, and if they do not enforce one by - law why should others bo carried out? But apart from that, there is the fact that the poor policeman gets but four hours per month to attend to the Avants of his soul. By the Avay, that may account for the fact that Robert did not think it necessary that religion should be forced on the people in the street by the Salvation Army. h\ times gone by the constables were each allowed four hours on Sunday by an .increment, bub now the order of things has been changed, and the constable is only allowed four hours on one Sunday in each month. Of late there has been talk of a beauty shoAV at Spa, bub, my friends, it is needless to go so far aAvay as that. A beauty show may be witnessed in Auckland every fine Hay between the hours of 4 and 5 o'clock. At that time the mashing: cleiks are leb loose from banks, insurance companies, and oth.ru oflices, and it is really astonishing to notice how many beauties there are who have business in Queen-soreebjust about that time. They come clown in groups of three 01 four, all resplendent with the bottom of their box upon them, and thus they do the block un f il one and another is. marched oft by some young gentleman from the vaiious offices. This goes on every fine day A^ith such regulaiity that an observant, person may soon become well acquainted with the taces and dresses of the fair aspirants for matrimonial honours amongst professional men, for do it understood these are the class of ladies Avho would prefer credit and a ciust with a man Uiat Avore a " biled shirt," rather than comparative aflluence Avith a mechanic, who might have to Avalk liomeAvards Avith the marks of toil upon his face and hands. It will be seen from this that our beauty slioav has the same object as all others, namely, Hymen's altar. And the ladies, bless their hearts, do not hesitate to stand in groups in the doorway of some favourite chemist or draper's establishment, which, of course, i? situated in some conA r enienfc spot where the oxib of the favoured youths from the banks may be safely Avatched. Then, if they go upwards, matters are so well managed that the fair ones succeed in meeting them quite accidentally, youknoAV. SAveet smiles and hats off, then they fall into couples, and thus the business of life goes on. Somo of the more enterprising ladies oven como down ab mid-day on Saturday in order to do execution Avhen the youths get aAvay early.