A Funny Man's Will.

Te Aroha News, Volume V, 3 December 1887, Page 7

A Funny Man's Will.

_=- Wl ACOB Van Dreyer, oj Michigan, was not onlj X wort^ thirty-five thousand J[~^ k dollars when he died the other day, but was the fun~^%ow-> n * est °^ * ne unn y men - He was funny in his looks, €{w in his ways, in his laugh, and in his speech ; and one day, v/hen asked why he did not write for the papers, he replied : ' Some day I schall pegin to do so.' He began the other day when he died, or rather, just before he died. When told by the doctor that his flame of life would not flicker beyond two or three days, Jacob replied : ' Vhell, dot is ail right. Go down und tell my clerk in der saloon to set ; em up for de poys. It isn't no hotter to die now as in Shanuary. Also pring me a lawyer, dot I slnll nuke my will.' The lawyer was closeted with Uncle Jack for two or three hours, and those in the next room were frequently and greatly sui prised to hear the dying man call out : ' Ha, ha, ha ! but won't dot brovision in der will shust make all der newsbabers read funny !' Something tickled Jacob Van Dreyer, but what it was no one could find out. He laughed just as much afier the the lawyer had departed, and as his family gathered around his dying bed, he smiled blandly and said : My dear ones, I haf made a will. All der wives and shildien are brovided for in der latest Paris sthyle, und I hope you wiU all be well blessed — ha, ha!' They thought his mind wandered, but that's where they were lame. His mind was as sound as a biick, and his head was level. He was grinning and chuckling when death oveitook him, and when the coffin was opened in church for a last look, the face of the dead Van Dreyer wore a pleased expression. The mystery was revealed when his will was opened. It was in due legal form, and his first provision read : 1 To my good and faithful wife I give and bequeath the sum of ten thousand dollars, cash in bank, provided that the said Augusta Van Dreyer suffers the loss of her ears within three days from the date of my buiial. In case she refuses to part with her ears, she shall have the sum of five hundred dollars cash, and no more.' When Tiau Van Dreyer heard the above piovision read, she clapped her fat hands to her large ears, uttered a yell cf dismay and despair, and fainted dead away. If there was any fun in that, she couldn't relish it. The second provision of the will related to Carl, the eldest son, and it read : 'My son Carl is very fond of hunting. I give and bequeath him the sum of five thousand dollars in U.S. bonds, and I have secreted them where he will have all the hunting he wants before he finds them. If he never disco', ers them, they are to be given to the Geiman schools at Detroit.' ( Dot is a pig shoke on me/ growled Carl ; and he left the room to find consolation in his pipe, while the lawyer read the third provision : J My daughter Katrina is always before the looking-glass when she should be helping her mother and mending her brother's clothes. I direct that my saloon be sold as soon as possible, and one-half of the money laid out in look-ing-glasses for Katerina, while the other half be given her for the purchase of ribbons.' ' Oh, vhas I porn to hear such dings as doze? 0 wailed the thin-waisted Katrina ; and she would have fainted away bad not the son Carl made up a face at her through the side window, and aroused her sisterly indignation. The lawyer had a solemn duty to perform, and he continued reading ; 1 My second son, Hans, is lazy and good-natured. I give and bequeath him my grocery building, land, and stock, knowing that he will have nothing left at the end of the year. Before entering into possession, he shall saw and split six cords of hickory wood. If he fails to comply with this provision, the property shall be sold, and the proceeds donated to some German orphan asylum in Michigan.' 1 Such shokes-— such shokes !' groaned Hans, and he slid out to comfort the fat Carl, who was wondering if the bonds left him were buried in the cellar or hidden in the garret. There was still another son. He sat in the corner grinning at his mother and winking at Katrina, and the lawyer went on : ' My son Gustavus is a good boy, and he can take a joke as well as his father. I therefore leave him what I began life with — nothing, and I hope he will make good use of it.' Gustavus quitted grinning and winking in about a Cincinnati second, and he faintly called out : [ llf I can dake dot shoke, den I doan' know !' The lawyer had finished the family, but that wasn't the end. _ Funny Jacob Van Dreyer had some friends whom he thought fit to remember, and he had said : *As Theodore Gust has been a lifelong friend of mine, I desire to leave him the sum of five hundred dollars. Before taking possession of the money, he must have his whiskers all cut of] and his head shaved, to attest his sorrow at my departure from this good world.' Mr Gust was on hand 'to hear the 1 reading of the will, and he felt hh

bushy hair and long goalee, glanced out of the window, and he smiled a sad, sweet smile as he shook his head and replied : ' I shust like to see myself doing dose dings — eh !' ' And as Jacob Heine has also been a friend of mine,' said the will, 'and as he is inclined to ihink well of himself, I will and bequeath him my dying opinion that he is the greatest Dutchman in America. If he shall take the strawbeny colour out of his nose within three weeks from my burial, he is to have money enough from my estate to buy him five barrels of beer. Jacob Heine was also there. lie had worn a very bland look, and he had chuckled ovei Mr Gust's set-back ; but his own downfall had left him ah limp as a rag. He slapped his leg, and called out ; * Vhy does dot dead man make some shokes on his best friend ? I won't take dot peer. Py golly, no !' The fat widow, the lean daughter, and the lazy sons are making an effort to break the will, and the effort will doubtless be crowned with success, as each one of them is ready to affirm that— ' Dose man was more crazy as one j loon.' Neveitheless, Jacob Van Dreyer has had his fun, and has wen his title as a 1 funny man.'