Parson Stickler and Ensign Sparkes.

Te Aroha News, Volume II, Issue 62, 9 August 1884, Page 5

Parson Stickler and Ensign Sparkes.

Our parson had a marked propensity to administer homely but at the same timo fearfully impressive rebukes to those of his congrogatkm whose conduct seemed to him indecorous during divine service. Tho most frequent recipients of this verbal chastisement were the unhappy Sunday-school children, whose horribly uncomfortable pens — I cannot call them soats — were immediately facing the pulpit. But tho punishment of these unfortunates was not confined to words. The Rev. Joseph Stickler had a sturdy henchman who was as vigorous a disciplinarian as his master, and a scarcely less original and eccentric character. Billy Marks — for such was the somewhat undignilied name of this representative of Donjon ville Bumbledon — iillecl a rather nondescript ecclesiastical position ; before service he acted as verger, during prayers he acted as clerk, Avhen the sermon commenced he vacated his desk and went aloft to the gallery, whore, armed with a long cane, he stationed himself immediately behind the school children. Heaven help the hapless boy or girl who dared to doso or exhibit the slightest symptoms of inattention during the preacher's discourse ! Softly would the artful and lynx-eyed William creep along tho cocoa-nut matting until he was "\\ ithin striking distance of his prey, and then the cane was cautiously raised, to descend upon tho head or shoulders of the luckless victim with a thwack that sounded all over the building. And if tho watchful Billy, whose attention to his master's homily must have been of a rather divided sort, failed to detect a delinquent, the stern voice from the pulpit, which ho knew too well, would at once call his attention to the omission. It was on one of these occasions, when Billy was guilty of a dereliction of duty, that the first memorable exploit of our hero in black was achieved. The circumstances were these :—: — The officers of the garrison, four in number, occupied a pew in tho gallery not far from the enf antes terrible* who were Billy Marks'.s special charge during sermon time. It was a warm day in summer, and, what with the heat and the sonorous eloquence of the preacher, there was a general disposition to drowsiness among the congregation, which nothing but a strong sense of duty and the exercise of considerable control could overcome. Even the vigilant custodian of juvenile morals nodded at his post, and forgot that there was an eagle eye upon him. Suddenly tho preacher paused, and, in a voice that had more of sorrow than of anger in it, called' 'Billy Marks '" Up to his feet in an instant sprang Billy, conscious of his own backslidings, touched with remorse by tho reproachful accents of j his master, burning to atone for his fault by some extraordinary display of zeal. The first object which met the zealous and repentant William's eye, as, confused and only half awake, he glared about for a victim, was the head of a very young ensign who was peacefully slumbering in the corner of the officers' pew Without pausing to think of the consequences, Billy brought his cane- down, thwack ! right upon bhe sconce of the sleeping warrior. That gallant youth sprang instantly upright at the touch of the rude Ithuricl's spear, xnd gazed round him with a wild bewildered stare. On all .sides he saw — an audible titter lan through the school children — sounds suggestive of suppressed cachinnation came from behind pocket-handkerchiefs applied ostensibly to bheir normal use ; the cheeks of his noble Dfficers were undistinguishable in colour from their uniforms, and their heads were bent in an attitude which could scarcely be iccepted as devotional. A ghastly and norrible suspicion stole into the mind of the poung ensign that he was the object of all ;his unseemly mirth, and that he had someliow, though he had not the faintest idea now, made himself supremely ridiculous. With crimson and perspiring countenance :ie sat as rigid as the tinted Venus for tho remainder of the sermon, suffering all the agonies of a martyr at Smithfield. Whether the Rev. Joseph Stickler had perceived Billy Marks's mistake or not no one jould tell ; he -nent on imperturbably with :iis sermon as if nothing had hapj:)encd ; 3ut if he had thoroughly realised all that iiad happened, and I am inclined to suspect that he had, the control which ho exercised )ver his nerves was of itself heroic, and worthy of an ancient Stoic or an Indian brave. Be this as it may, however, the sequel was a scene which none who witnessed it would ever forget. The barracks were but a short distance from the chapel, both being situated in the imposing square which Donionvillites speak }f proudly as " tho parade," and which was pronounced by a Donjonvillo cabinetmaker, who had once visited London, to be far Hiperior to even the world-famed Trafalgar Square. The officers had marched the "garrison" back to barracks, and had retired to their own quarters, before onehalf of the congregation had emerged fron? I 3t. Mary's. Iv the privacy of their own ' apartment they at once began to "roast" their juvenile and verdant comrade. The I senior captain, Spoflbrth, a portly, florid man, who belied his appearance by being generally "the coolest hand going," having closed tho door, addressed the young ensign with great seriousness : " You know, Sparkes," ho said, "this is not the first time the regiment has been grossly insulted by the chaplain. This abominable outrage is simply the culminating point of a long scries of deliberate insults. But now the thing must be promptly stopped. I must insist upon your demanding a public apology at once from Mr Stickler." "Ye-es," stammered Sparkes, who was exceedingly angry still, and very red in the face, but didn't quite see how his senior's instructions were to be carried out. "You will oblige me and your brother officers, Sparkes, by meeting Mr Stickler as he crosses the parade from tho chapel to his house, and immediately demanding an ample apology on behalf of the regiment which has been outraged in your person." Tho recollection of that sounding thwack from Billy Marks's cane rushed into Ensign Sparkcs's mind ; his blood tingled at the thought of that monstrous indignity, and he answered firmly, " You may trust me, Captain Spofforth. The dignity of the regiment shall not suffer in my hands. I will go at once and confront Mr Stickler, and extract an apology from him on the spot." Big with self-importance as the accredited champion of the regiment, Ensign Sparkes clapped on his shako fiercely, and strode out into the square to exact prompt reparation from the insulter. Meanwhile, unconscious of all these machinations, the Rev. Joseph Sticklor quietly disrobed himself in the vestry, and then proceeded to cross the parade to his house. Just as he was opposite the barrack gates and in front of the barrack windows, he became aware of a tall figure in scarlet, approaching him with rapid steps. In another instant the Rev. Joseph found himself confronted by the insulted subaltern, who, with glaring eyes and flaming cheeks, addressed him thus — " Sir, I have been most grossly insulted and assaulted by your orders. The whole regiment, sir, has been affronted in my person. I demand an apology 1"

" A what !" exclaimed the chaplain, falling back, and surveying his interrogator with a look ot supremo amazement. "An apology," sir ; an ample apology!" repeated young Sparkes, hotly. "Young man, said the Rev. Joseph Stickler severely, " I don't know what this buffoonery means. If it were not so early in the day I would say that you were drunk, sir." " What, sir ! " exclaimed the enraged ensign ; " you refuse to apologise — you dare to add to the insult by insinuating that I am not sober ! Let me tell you, sir," assuming an air of bellicosity that might have awed even a bubblyjock, " that if it were not for your cloth, sir, I would give you the est thrashing that you ever had in your life ! " The face of the " last of the Sticklers " grew black as thunder ; lightning blazed from his eye ; his whole body heaved with the volcano of indignation that raged within him. For an instant he seemed petrified, but only for an instant ; then, with an agility quite extraordinary in a man of his obesity, he divested himself of his coat, planted his feet firmly and defiantly, and said, With grim irony — " 0, don't let my cloth for a moment interfere with your desire to inflict corporal punishment. Proceed, sir ; you are quite at liberty to thrash me — if you can." A peal of laughtei' burst like a volley of musketry from the vicinity of the barracks. Sparkes glanced hurriedly round ; there was the whole " garrison " crowded at the barrack gates, convulsed with merriment, and there in the windows of the officers' quarters was — no, he must be mistaken — yes, a fact !— there was Spofforth himself lolding his sides while the tears ran down his purple face. Too late it flashed upon the unhappy Sparkos that he was both making a fool of himself and being made a fool of. Sharply turning on his heel with a smothered anathema, which, like the parish clork's sweeping curse, seemed to include "all persons that on earth do dwell," Ensign Sparkes hurried back, a piteous spectacle of mingled shame, rage, and discomfiture ; whilsfc the Rev. Joseph Stickler, as he struggled back into his coat, was distinctly heard to ejaculate : "Preposterous young puppy! Talk of thrashing me, indeed !" And so, amid the ill-suppressed applause of the lookers-on, the parson strode, fuming and furious, to his house. — From "Soldiers' Stories and Sailors' Yarns."