VARIETIES.

Te Aroha News, Volume I, Issue 2, 16 June 1883, Page 4

VARIETIES.

' What I want to know is who struck the blow,' paid an Austin judge to Jim Webster, who was the principal witness in an assault and battery case, ' Uncle Ike, dah, he hit the "dust lick,' replied Jim. * Are you positive that Uncle Ike struck the first blow ? .' Ob course I is. Didn't I see him reach out and hit the fust lick ? But how many licks he hit befo' dat fust one, or how many licks de udder niggar hit him fust, am more dan I'se willin 1 to s war ter !' Charles Jnmes Fox being once at Ascot races with his intimate companion, General Con way, missed his snuff-box. The I general was lucky enough to discover the thief, and seize him before he could get away. Upon this the man fell upon his knees and with many tears besought Fox to pardon him, and not expose him to ruin, for he was a poor weaver in great destitution, and this was the first offence against the laws that he had ever con - mitted. Fox was greatly affected, ami not only let the offonder go but gave him a guinea. Shortly after this, having occasion to use his snuff, he found no sign of it in his pocket where he had ivplaced it, and, turning to General Con way he said, ' My snuff-box is gone again !' Yes,' replied the latter ; ' I saw the scamp take it a second time when you gave him the money, but I thought I wouldn't interfere ' ' 'What building is that? ' asked a stranger of a bo5 T , pointing to a school house. ' That ?' said the boy. * Why, that's a tannery I' And he feelingly rubbed his back as he passed on. Little Bob — ' Tom, why^ do you call mamma, muter? What's mater mean? Tom— ' Latin for mother, you know.' Little Bob — ' Go ! I thought it was because she had to see about getting husbands for Flo and Edie that she was a mater.' ' You are weak,' said a woman to her son, who was remonstrating against her marry iug again. ' Yes, mother,' he replied, 'I am so weak that I can't go a stepfather.' Adolphus had just folded his arms about her. ' Why,' a^ked she, 'am I like a well-made book ?' He gave it up. ' Because I am bound in calf?' The ' bindI ing' was hastily torn off. ' The truth of the doctrine of purgatory ! an held by the Unman Catholics is about to bo tested in the courts. A man in [ Australia left 700 Mol. to be used to tie-^ liver his soul from tint alleged state of existence and the executor declines to pay the money without legal proof that it lias been really earned. A lawyer recently went into the surf to bdthe, and encountered a huge shark. Their eyes met for an instant, when the , shark blushed and swam out. ' What made the mule kick you ?' they I asked a gentleman who had been senti flying through the roof of the barn, and he answered, ' Do you think I was fool enough to go back and ask him. 1 ' Who is the wisest {man mentioned Jn the Scriptures ?' asked j Miss Goodenough of one of her Sunday School class. ' Paul 1' exclaimed the little fellow, confidently. ' Oh, in, Johnny ! Paul was a very good man, but Solomon is mentioned as the wisest man.' 'Well, my father says Paul was the wisest man, because he never ra irried ; and I fancy father ought to know !' replied the boy rather emphatically. 4 thriKy father took his boy to a dot-tor 'If you can cure niin for less th»M 'ho funeral expenses,' said he, 'go ahe 'l •lut if you can't, the boy'll have to u'cj his chance.' LOSS OF CONFIDENCE.

A shepherd was eating his dinner beside a spring when a wolf walked out of the forest and coolly enquired : ' Well, how is the wool and mutton business ?' ' Pretty fair,' replied the astonished shepherd. ' 1 have come to tell you,' continued the wolf, ' that the hyenas have formed a plot to break into your sheep-fold to-nigh?, and to offer my services as a private watchman.' ' You are ever so kind to give me this warning.' * ' And you just leave the gate open and go to bed feeling perfectly safe. The first hyena who comes fooling around your mutton will find his heels breaking his neck.' j After some further conversation it was agreed that the gate should be left open and that the wolf should stand guard. Darkness was scarcely an hour old when a great outcry was hoard at the fold and the shepherd ran out and discovered the wolf in a trap he had sot within the pen. ' Is this the kind of confidence you had in me ?' howled the wolf as he struggled to get free. ' I had plenty of confidence in you/ replied the shepherd, ' but niore in the trap 1 Prepare to die I 1I 1

Moral. — Don't lend both horse and saddle to tbe Bame person.