THE SPOOPENDYKES IN HAMLET.

Te Aroha News, Volume I, Issue 2, 16 June 1883, Page 4

THE SPOOPENDYKES IN HAMLET.

'Now, my dear,' said Mr Spoopendykes opening the book and assuming the correct dramatic scowl. ' Now, my dear, we'll rehearae our parts for our Specklewottle's theatricals. I'm to be Hamlet,' and your 1 to be the 'Queeu' and we want this thing to go off about right. The hardest part we have to play together is .where I accuse you of poisoning my father, and we had better play that till we get it perfect. I'll commence : 'Now mother, what's the matter?' 'Well, I was thinking whether I had bettor wear my black silk or my maroon suit,' returned i\li\s Spoopendyke, sticking her finger inco her mouth reflectively. 'Do queens wear ' 'Will you be kind enough* to tell me what pack of cards you got that idea of a queen from ?' demanded Mr Spoopendyke fixing his witVs eye with a glare. 'Do you suppose that the queen sent for ' Hamlet ' to got his opinion about bargains in dry goods ? When I say that you must say : 'Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended !' ' Oh, I understand ,' pleaded Mrs Spoopendyke ' I thought you asked me what I was thinkiug about. I didn't know you had commenced the play. Try it again.' k Well, you be careful this time, ' recommended Mr Spoopendyke, in a tone ot solemn warning . ' This is a play, this is. Think yon know the difference between a play and a bankrupt sale 1 Know the difference between a phiy and a millinery shop opening? Now I'll begin again, and you tra to do it decently.' ' There's nothing the matter now,' replied Mrs Spoopendyke, straightening up and preparing to be Queen as soon as her t'lrn came. 'Go on, dear, I understand it not.' ' Say it, cant ye V thundered Mr Spoopendyke. 'Haven'tyc studied this business ? Dont ye know your part ?' ' What shall I say dear ? asked Mrs Spookendyke, looking at her husband with a dazed expression. 'Say I' i oared Mr Spoopendyke. 'Sing a hymn ! If you don't know your part get off a p^ahn ! Didn't I tell you wh.it 10 say ? Look here,' and Mr Spoopendyke lowered his voice to the pitch. ' Have you ever read this play ? Have you conceived iiny kind of notion of what it's all about?' 1 Why, ye*?,' faltered Mrs Spoopenpyke. ' You come in and stab Mr Speckleuottle behind the ears, and I scream. Isn't that right dear?' 'Hear her!' moaned Mr Spoopondxke ' frothing at the mouth. Stab Speck lewottltt behind the ears! That's all right, now you scream ! Scream, why don't you ? You know so much about your part, why don't you play it? ' W-e-e-e-t^ !' squealed Mrs Spoopendyke, faithfully following instructions. ' J knew I could do it riu:ht, as soon as you showed me. how. Will that do?' ' Oh, Unit w.is queenly !' snarled Mr Spoopendyke, dropping into a chair and regarding his wife with rolling eyes. 'Just do that again! Four of those dramatic efforts vill make this play the givatert of modern entertainments ! Do it once more ' 'It hurts my thro it,' complained Mrs Spoopendyke. ' Can't we make it do with one scream, dear?' 1 Mr.-5 Spoopondyke,' said her hnsband, with unn itural calmness, there's boon some mistake niride in this tiling. You shon'd h,ivu been cast for ' Ophelia.' That was the pa"t intended for you.' v 1 would ju^t as soon play it,' murmured Mr* Spoopendyke, who failed to see the drift of her husband's lvmvrk. ' What does he do ?' lie was dn idiot from birth, and after wards wont crazy,' explained Mr Sp ipendyk<\ ' That w.is the pai t for you. 'Then I'd r.ither be Quoen,' returned Mrs Hpoopendykc, bridling a little. ' Now, dear, let's commence all over, and I'll do it risht this time.' ' You can't do it worse,' growled Mr Spoopendyke. ' I'll try it once more, jn-if, to see what kind of foolishness you can woik off.' ' " Now, mother, what's the matter?" ' ' W- -c-e-e,' giggled Mrs Spoopendyke, satisfied that she was perfect this time. ' Hamlet, oh, Hamlet f w-e-e-e-e I' 'Turn it off!' yelled Mr Spoopendyke, springing from his chair, .and capering around the room as though a snake had bitten him. 'Be quiet and break off the end. What's the matter ?' W-e-e-e-e,' squealed Mrs Spoopendyke, profoundly impressed with the idea that the play was still going on, and that she had at laat mastered the intricacies of her part. ' Will ye ever shut up ?' gasped Mr Spoopendyke, madder than ever to think his wrath was mistaken for acting. Who ever told ye to yell like that ? Don't ye know anything at all scarcely? Think ' Hamlet's' a lunatic asylum ? d-ot some kind of a notion that the ' Queen's' a fog horn. Wher'd ye get your idea of this thing anyway ?' ' I did just as you told mo, dear,' argued Mrs Spoopendyke, completely taken aback by her husband's criticism. ' You said I was to scream when you asked me what the matter was Didn't Ido it right ?' ' Oh, that was right, howled Mr Spoopendyke. 'You struck the keynote of high art botli times. With that yell and your knowledge- of the text all you want now is a fire and a free list to be a theatre with a restaurant attachment. The first time a show comos around this way I'm going to jit you out with a hair trunk and i 11 pair of hoofs and start you up for a , menagerie Such talent as that can't be j wasted on any cheap Shakespeare plays while I've got the money and influence to I u;et you a job in the legitimate circus, 1 and Mr Spoopendyko kicked the book through the window, peeled himself like a pocato, and drove into bed with a Hop like v, whole. — Brooklyn Eagle.