A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 922, 15 March 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Vanishing Magnets. —Xow that skirts are getting longer, many men ire afraid their eyes are on the'ir last legs. We Are One. —Visit any brothers or sisters? ' Little Girl: "No; I'm &U t e cbtldrei we’ve got!" Not Quite Time. —Father: "Isn't it about time you were entertaining the prospect of matrimony?" Daughter: "Not quite. lie’s not coming until S o’clock." Logical Solution.— Professor: M So the ship hugged the shore? And where ws the shore?” Student: *T suppose it was in the hold of the vessel.”

The Magic Words. —Temperance Orator: “Some advocate moderation — others demand Prohibition. AVhat, I ask you, really is the great drink question?” A Voice: ‘‘What’ll you have?” Hard As Crystal. —"ls Goldberg a hard man ?” “I should say so. Did you notice his eyes?” “Yes. One seemed to have a more humane expression than the other.” “Well, that one is made of glass.” * * * Periodicity. —He (dreamily): “Would that I were a star in yonder heavens.” She (with a yawn) : "I'd rather you were a comet.” “Why?” “Then you'd come round only once in a number of years.”

Seconds Out. —Breathless Urchin: “Will yer come down our court, quick, and bring an ambulance?” Policeman: “What’s the ambulance for?” Urchin: “Me mother’s found the lidy wot stole our doormat.” Conscientious. —“ Rastus, you old loafer,” said Colonel Smith, “do you think its right to leave your wife at the washtub while you spend your time fishing?” “Yassah, Colonel, it’s all right. Mali wife doan’ need any watchin’, She’ll shorely wuk jes’ as hard as ef Ah was dere.” Here and There. —A man was praising his wife, as all men ought to do on proper occasions. “She’s as womanly a woman as ever was,” he said. “But she can hammer nails like lightning.” “That’s -remarkable,” said a listener. “Yes, sir,” said the first speaker; “you know lightning never strikes twice in the same place.” * * * Publicity. —“ How do you like your new publicity agent?” asked the film star’s friend. “Oh, he’s wonderful!” she cried, beaming with enthusiasm. “We’ve been robbed twice, our house has been burned, our car has been wrecked, and I have had my life threatened by an anonymous enemy since we employed him! ” Getting the Breaks. —From the bedroom of the twin boys came the mingled sounds of loud weeping and hearty laughter, so father went up to investigate. “What’s the matter up there?” he inquired. The joyous twin indicated his weeping brother. “Nothing,” he chuckled, “only nurse has given Alexander two baths and hasn’t given me any.” Quick Work. —The pale, nervouslooking man was applying for a job. “I think I shall be able to suit all your requirements, sir,” he said. The manager shook his head. “I’m afraid I cannot take you,” he replied. ‘'You see, I’m wanting a single man.” A look of horror appeared on the other’s face. “B-but, good gracious,” he strmmered, “when I came here yesterday I was told you were looking for a married man!” “I’m sorry,” said the manager. “It must have been a mistake.” The applicant stepped forward and clutched him by the arm. “Look here,” he gasped, “it’s all very well for you to talk like that —but what am I to do? You see, I went straight out and got married!”

With a Monocle. —A dear old lady i was told that the police were looking i for a man with a monocle. ! "But surely it would be better.” she said, "if they were to use a telescope.” Scarecrows.—Mrs. Tapp: “I’ve 1 noticed that the farmers always hai e a man for a scarecrow.” Mr. Tapp: ’•That’s because they couldn’t afford to dre*ss a woman j scarecrow.” Compensation. —A stage carpenter ! went to the manager one day and j asked for an increase in his wages. The manager appeared surprised. 'Wliv,” he exclaimed. “I really don’t j see my way to giving you a ri>e’ Yon have nothing mucl. to do. Half the j time you are merely standing i:i the | wings listening to tlie p ay." Yes, sir," replied the carpenter. | grimly, “that’s it!” About a Hat.—The little man had ; just finished dining and was about to leave the restaurant when he noticed the orchestra ready to start playing I again. At the same moment a man j came up to him and said, “Sir, remove | that hat at once!” “Why?” asked the little man. “They’re not playing the National Anthem.” “Of course not, you idiot,” roared j the other, “but it’s my hat.” Well-Earned Fame.— Bill Shakes- ; • peace, then of the engraving department at the New York “American.” was accosted by one of the big shots of the outfit on a tour of inspection. I “Let me see,” let-me-see’d the executive. "what is your name, again?” “William Shakespeare, sir,’’ replied Bill. “Um, quite a well-known name, eh?” “Oughto be,” said Bill brightly, “I’ve been Turning the Tables. —lt was touch j and go in the breach-of-promise case, and the defendant’s barrister knew he was "up against it.” While cross-examining the mother of the plaintiff, a very clever woman, he was completely worsted in the encounter of wits. At the close, however, he turned to the jury and exclaimed: “You saw. gentleman, that even 1 was but a child in her hands! What must my client have been?”

Railway Radio.—Bill, the enginedriver, was a keen wireless fan. All his spare hours were given to building a new set, which he would proudly exhibit to his long-suffering friends when they called. One day his brother Joe dropped in. and Bill bore him off to look at the latest result of his handiwork. “Yes,” 'he said impressively, as he twirled the knob, “I built it myself. Joe.” “I can quite believe that,” said Joe with brotherly candour. “It whistles at every station.”

The Price of Victory.—One night, in pouring rain, two men who had quarrelled turned out to settle their differences. They fought until one got the other on his back and held him there. “Will you give up?” he asked, and the reply was “No," so the man on his back was kept pinned to the ground. After a time the question was repeated, but again the reply was “No.” “Then,” said the other, “will you get on top for a bit and let me get under? I’m getting wet through.” m m m Domesticity.—A clergyman advertised for a man-servant. A young j man called at the vicarage a.nd the parson promptly proceeded to cross-ques-tion him pretty thoroughly. “Can you set the fires going and fetch early morning tea at 7?” “Well—er—yes, I believe I could do that.” “Can you work in the garden?” “Yes—that is, a little.” “Are you prepared to p lish the silver and do the wash up?” The visitor rose frowning. “Hang it all, parson,” he said. *T came here to ask you about getting married, but if it’s as bad as that— it’» all dead off.”