A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 857, 28 December 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Handkerchiefs Out! —"Make a toast to the Hay Fever Club.” “Here's looking nt-choo!” * • • When to Neck. —"Yes. Had. I have a chance to embrace an opportunity." "Fine. son. <Give it a good hug.” # • * No Monogamist.—“ This licence entitles you to one deer and no more.’* “But I asked for a hunting: licence, not a marriage licence.” All Excused.—Herbert: “Would you marry an idiot for the sake of his money?” Hose: “Oh, this is so sudden!” * * * Pointed Compliment.—" Has any one commented on the way you drive?” “Yes. one fellow made a brief remark, ‘One pound and costs.’ ” Ain’t Nature Grand!—The spring colours, as you motor along the highways, are very beautiful. Many of the signs are newly painted. Under Suspicion.—" Are mosquitoes bad around here?” “Well, I never seen any good mosquitoes, did you?” Doing His Bit.—"l hope you'll dance with me tonight, Mr. Jones.” “Oh, rather! I hope you don’t think I came here merely for pleasure!” Safety-Razor Fan.—Lou: “Are you acquainted with the ‘Barber of Seville?’ ” Jamie: “Xo, my dear boy, I’m not. But, then, as a rule I shave myself.” * * * Install a Speedometer. - Landlady: “And what’s wrong now?" Youthful Lodger: "I just wanted to say that I think you get too much mileage out of this roller-towel.” Sell ’Em Some Bustles.—ln most Eastern countries, we read, women are discarding their veils in order to be like Western women. They’ll have to discard considerably more than that.

The Quarrel. —“I’m angry with my girl.” “What’s the trouble?” “Well, she lied to me.” “That’s too bad. What did she say?” “Said she didn’t love me any more and I know very well she does.” * * * Correct. —Teacher: “What is a cannibal, Tommy?” Tommy: “Please, teacher, I don’t know.” Teacher: “Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be?” Tommy: “An orphan, miss!”

Burning Subject.—We don’t know; but we suppose that when a minister starts discussing the modern trend in styles he takes his text from Revelations.

Of course, Rev. xii. 1: “A woman clothed with the sun.”

What better Scriptural authority for the “sun-tan back”?

Beats the Whistle. "Are you one of those girls who watch the clock?” Applicant twith dignity): “No. sir; I have a wrist-watch.” Ignore the Dumb-bells.—“ Prisoner. the jury finds you guilty.” "That’s right. Judge. I know you're too intelligent to be influenced by what they say.” Beating the Game.—" Mother. Isn’t your hair permanently waved?” "My dear, what makes you ask such a thing?” “I’ve been thinking. Why can't I have my neck permanently washed?” Why He Meddled.—Would-be-Suicide: “DoTl’t rescue me. I want to die.” Swimmer: "Well, you’ll have to postpone it. 1 want a life-saving medal.” Perhaps Untanned.—Lady: “I want to see some kid gloves for my eight-year-old daughter, please.” Polite Clerk: "Yes, madam, white kid?” Lady: “Sir!” When Pansy Broods.—Housewife: “Don't bring me any more of that horrid milk. It is positively blue.” Milkman: "It ain’t our fault, lady. It’s these long, dull evenings as makes the cows depressed.” Absent - Minded Beggar. - "What made you quarrel with Claude?” "Well, he proposed to me again last night?” "My dear, I had accepted him the night before.” * * • Excellent Alibi.—First Kid: “Gee. Jimmy, when I went by your house this morning, I heard somebody swearin' somethin’ awful.” Second Kid: "Aw. that was my dad. He was late for church and couldn’t find his hymn-book.”

None Too Clean.—“l am a son of the soil!” shouted the grimy park orator. “Yes, and I’m sorry for you,” exclaimed one in the audience, “for I see you have your father on your hands.” * * * Pity the Sleepless Father.—“No,” said he, “I never sleep while my young folks are out at night.” “Huh! How can you get along ■without any sleep?” demanded the man who knew the hours young people get in. “I sleep in the daytime,” he replied. “You see, I am a night watchman.” • * * • Parental Touch.—He had gone into the library to put the thing up to her father and she was anxiously waiting on the front porch. “Well,” said the suitor when he returned, “he asked me how* I was fixed and I told him I had £ 600 in the bank.” “And what did he say to that?” “He borrowed it.” * * * Sporting Offer.—During a. grouse hunt two sportsmen were potting the birds from butts situated very close together. Suddenly a red face showed over the top of one butt, and the occupant said, “Curse you, sir, you almost hit my wife just now.” “Did I?” said the man, aghast. “I’m terribly sorry—er —have a shot at mine ever there.” * * * Sounded Familiar.—Even our upper classes are rather short on the Biblical knowledge. A young millionaire and liis wife were telling the other day about their tour in “The Prado was wonderful,” the young man said. “What did you like best in the Prado?” said I. “A Correggio,” he told me. “A masterly oil painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden, with the apple and the serpent.” Then the young man’s wife said with a superior air: “Yes, that painting interested us especialls' because, you see, we knew the anecdote.”