A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 756, 31 August 1929, Page 23

A Jest or Two

Asinine.—“Father,"* said the little boy at the seaside, “do donkeys have wives?** “Yes, my boy,** replied father, “and only donkeys.*^ Proof.—Teacher: “Surely you know what the word ‘mirror’ means. Tommy. After you have washed your face, what do you look at to see if it is clean V* Tommy: “The towel, sir.” * >B= * Unworthy.—" Did you tell her when you proposed that you were unworthy of her? That always makes a good impression.” “I was going to tell her—but she told me first.” Work and Wages.—Father: “How is it you have not done your school homework?** Son: “I have decided not to do any more, it is not fair. We children do the work and the teacher gets paid for it.”

Room Wanted.—“ Don’t you think his voice is a little too big for the hall?” she asked, as the basso exercised his lungs to full capacity. “Yes,” said he, “I think I'll go out, if you don’t mind, so as to leave it a bit more room.” Last Words.—A young man typist was hit by a bullet in a hold-up in Chicago. Thinking he was mortally wounded, he whispered to a friend: “Write to Mamie. Give her my love, and tell her my last thoughts were of her. Carbon copies to Sadie, Peggy and Kathleen.” Persistent.—The following is told of Winston Churchill when working at the Admiralty. An American journalist was granted an interview. “I’ve turned down seven of your compatriots this morning,” exclaimed Winston, nodding toward a pile of visiting cards. “I know. I’m them I” replied the American.

Not Particular. —A beggar called at a policeman’s door and asked for a copper. The policeman’s wife answered the door. She said, “Do you know who I am?” “No,” replied the tramp. “Well, I am a policeman’s wife, and if he had been in he would have taken you.” “I believe he would,” observed the tramp, “for after takin’ you he would take anybody.” Always Handy. —Brown’s wife was musical. She had other faults as well. But Brown was a good husband, and when she showed a desire to learn the violin he promised to make her a present of one. “A violin for your wife?” said the assistant at the music shop. “Certainly sir. One with a chin rest?” “Yes/* said Brown. Then, as a brilliant idea came to him, he hurried after the assistant and caught him by the sleeve. “Make it a detachable chin rest,” he said, “so that she can still use it when she is not playing the violin.” Tactics —“ Stop! For the love of Mike, stop!” yelled the film producer, and obediently the cameras ceased clicking. The producer then walked over to the leading man. “Your expression is hopeless,” he cried. “Try to look as if you really were indignant.” “I’ve done the best I can,” retorted the actor sullenly. “Nobody could do any better.” “Very well; your salary is reduced by £2O from today,” snapped the other. “Now, that is the idea! Hold it. Take, please.” And the cameras clicked once more.

Quite Fair.—“ Aren’t you ashamed to be seen—four of you—hitting one boy?” “It is quite all right; he told us to go and steal apples out of an orchard, and we are giving him his share of what we got.” The Guest.—Mrs. Muchmoney (to new cool »: “Sunday we usually go for a drive directly after dinner.” “Excellent, mum,” replied the pleased servant. but. then, of course, I shall have to leave the dishes till we come back.” The Times and the Manners. —“l told my son that lie was not giving enough attention to the classics.” remarked the conscientious parent. “I reproached him for not knowing the difference between the Iliad and the Odyssey.” “Was he properly apologetic?” “Not at all. He said nobody could know everything, and asked me if I knew the difference between crystal receptivity and a neutrodyne.” * * * The Distinction. Two motorists were charged with driving a car minus one sidelight. They were fined a pound. Outside the court a heated altercation took place between them. “You must pay me half the fine, Ike.** said one; “we own this car between ! us.” “No fear. Mo’,” retorted Ike: "you | were driving at the time'and the light ! at my side of the car wasn’t out.” The Answer.—A party of American I tourists in a motor-coach were being | driven among the mountains of SwitI zerland. i “Say. where did those large rocks ; come from?” asked the man next to the driver. ‘‘The glaciers brought them down,” replied the driver. “But where are the glaciers?” was the next question. “They’ve gone back to l'otch more rooks,” was the weary reply. The Breakages.—The little boy had been sent to the local chemist to get some liniment and a special kind of china cement. “Do you want the two things in separate parcels?” asked the assistant as soon as he had attended to the boy’s demands. “Yes, please.” answered the little fellow. “I think it woulo be as well. The cement is for mother; she wants to mend the teapot. The liniment is for father. Mother broke the teapot over his head!”

His Price. —A celebrated violinist was asked to play his fiddle at one of those de luxe dinners in New York. “How much would you want?” the host asked him. “Five hundred dollars is my price," he replied stiffly. “Of course you understand,” said the hostess, “that you would not mingle with the guests.” “Oh, in that case,” was the retort, “I’ll do it for four hundred.” I

Effort.—They sat opposite each other at a rather rickety marble-topped table in the crowded teashoo. One was a big, burly individual, and the other a diminutive little man in a bowler hat. They had been steadily munching for a quarter of an hour, when the little man suddenly tapped the other on the arm. “Do you think you could pass me the sugar?” he asked, rather timorously. The big, burly one scowled. “P’r’aps,” he muttered. “I’ve bin moving pianners all me life.”

PARTNERS A PRETTY good firm is Watch and Waite. And another is Attit, Early and Layte, And still another is Doo and Dairet, But the best is probably Grinn and Barrett.

FASHION NOTE In bygone days It was the craze To dress like Mother Hubbard. But young girls now Dress more, I vow, Like Mother Hubbard's Cupboard.