A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 678, 1 June 1929, Page 3 (Supplement)

A Jest or Two

?t All Depends. —Passenger: Have I time to say goodbye to my wife? Conductor: I don’t know, sir; how long have you been married? —'Arizona Kilty-Hat.” Another!—Again we have one about a Scotsman who was invited . to a party and told that t ach guest was to bring something. He brought his relatives.

Spoiled His Record. —And then there’s the absent-minded plumber who forgot to forget his tools. Not What She Meant.— Lady: I think there's something so romantic about a nightwatchman." Nigh twa tollman: “You’re right, ma’am. It settles in me pore ol’ legs sometimes till I can’t hardly walk."

Divots to Spare. —An English magazine is relieved to note that the crust of the earth is two thousand miles thick. “So in spite of the savage attacks of the golfers, geologically speaking they do little harm.” Birth of Discovery. —Now comes a scientist and says it is not impossible that men may walk on air the same as they do on the ground. lie is a young scientist, probablj', who has just proposed to the only girl, and been accepted. Cross-Eyed Problem. —“Ah, good mornin’, Mrs. Hennessy; an’ how is everything?” “Sure, an’ I’m having one grand time betwixt me husband an’ the kitchen fire. If I keep me eye on one, the other is sure to go out.” Her First Silent Ride.—“ Why did you shed such copious tears at the funeral ?” “I was thinking,” answered Mr. Chuggins, “of the dear woman who was still a passenger, but no longer able to drive from the back seat.”. Touching Trust. —“ Loan me five dollars, will you?” “Sorry, but I have but four dollars and seventy-five cents.” “Well, give me that. I’ll trust you for the other quarter.” * * * Cares of Office. —“Are you in favour of Prohibition?” “Absolutely,” answered Senator Sorghum. “Have you ever taken a drink?” “Occasionally. As a trusted legislator, I feel it my duty to study both sides of a question/’ Turn on the Faucet. —A couple of oranges were talking it over at one of those soft-drink stands. “Don’t you wish you was as big as me?” asked the first. “Aw, gwan, you ain’t so big!” scoffed the second. “I bet you won’t make twelve gallons more orangeade than I will!” Safety First. —“Yes.” said the timid passenger to the airplane pilot. "I understand I’m to sit still and not be afraid and all that; but tell me. if something happens and we fall, what do I do?” “Oh, that’s easy,” said the pilot. “Just grab anything that we’re passing and hang on.” The Cure. —The improvident colonel had purchased an ancient hunter from the livery stable on the instalment plan. A week after the deal had been completed he rode over to see the owner of the stables. “Hyde.” he began, somewhat peremptorily, “I am not entirely satisfied with this animal.” “Ob.” said the other. “What’s wrong?” “She won’t hold her head up,” the colonel complained, bitterly. The dealer grinned up at his client. “That’s only her pride.” he said, smoothly. “You just wait till she’s paid for, and then see.”

Burning a House to Get Roast Pig.— Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. Rough on Dentistry. —‘ Where are you going to eat?” "Let’s eat up the street.” “Aw. no; I don’t like asphalt.” Auditory Narcissus —Then there va? the radio announcer who liked himself so much he went crazy trying to tune in on himself. Case of Self-Defence. —Mary: Mv husband wanted me to wear cotton hose. Molly: The brute! I hope jou shot him, dearie.

Out of Luck. —Willie Mosquito: A man clapped his hands at daddy. Mother Mosquito: What if he did. ; pet ? Willie Mosquito: Yes, but dad was i in between them. No Dog?—Traffic Cop: Let mo see your licence? Tourist: Marriage. car, driver’s, campfire, fishing, or hunting? Open the licence trunk. Maria. Blessings of Invention. —George (from next door) —"Mrs. Jones, may 1 use your telephone?” Mrs. Jones: “Certainly, George, [s yours out of order?” George: "Well, not exactly. but Sis is using it to hold up the window, ma’s cutting biscuits with the mouth - piece and baby’s teething on the cord ”

Alluring Pioneer. —He: My grandfather was a gold-digger in the Klondike. She: So was mv grandmother. Ideal Shoes. —Jane: Of course. I want them comfortable, but at the same time good looking and attractive. Shoe Clerk: Yes. madam. I understand —-large inside and small outside. Famous Sayings. Columbus: “I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” Nero: “Keep the home fires burning.” Methuselah: “The first hundred years are the hardest.” Taking No Chances: "How do you guard against microbes?” “First I boil all my water.” “Yes. and then?” “I filter it.” “Yes.” “And then I always drink beer.”

Within the Reach of AM. —A clergyman, anxious to introduce some new hymn-books, directed the clerk to give out a notice in church in regard to them immediately after the sermon. The clerk, however, had a notice of his own to give with reference to the baptism of infants. Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he announced, “All those who htive children they wished baptized, please send in their names at once.” The clergyman, who was deaf, supposing that the clerk was giving out the hymn-book notice, immediately arose and said: “And I want to say for the benefit of those who haven’t any, that they may be obtained from me any day between three and four o’clock, the ordinary little ones at fifteen cents, and the special ones with red back at twentyfive cents each.”