.. A JEST OR TWO ..

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 460, 15 September 1928, Page 23

.. A JEST OR TWO ..

‘Are ybu satisfied with your new employers?” "Yes, they are refined people. I started work this morning, and they only grumbled five times.’ 1 ’ Pages Gaies. Yverdon.

Agreed.—"l’ou cannot keep me down,” shouted an orator at a public meeting. “Though I may be pressed below the waves, I rise again; you will find that I come to the surface, gentlemen ” -yes," said one of his hearers. “You come to the surface to blow.” The Pleased Plumber. —The plumber reached up and rang the bell. The door was opened by a trim young maid. Inside the hall stood the master and mistress of the house. “Are vou the plumber?” asked the digniflfied looking old gentleman, who was very methodical in all he did. “Yes. sir.” “Very well. then, allow me to acquaint you with the cause of all the trouble before we go any further.” The plumber turned to the mistress of the house and extended a grimy hand. , „ . "Pleased to meet you, maam, he said, cordially.

No Use For It.—Grocer: “A thief entered my store last night and took everything but a box of soap.” Judge: “The Dirty Crook.” Aaron the First.—Sunday School Teacher: “Johnny, what can you tell me about Aaron?” Johnny: “His name was the first in the telephone book.” * * * As Pronounced in America.—First Broken Heart: “Well, anyway, you’re Les Miserable than I am!” Second Busted Jaw: “There Hugo complaining again.” ... Art and Utility.—“ Radiator caps should be more artistic. The cap’s a prominent feature.” "Yes, it’s about the first thing that strikes you.” * * * Diplomacy.—An Oxford undergraduate son of the vicarage discovered that he was uncomfortably short of doubloons, so tie spent ;ome time concocting a letter which should have the right effect upon a somewhat severe and pious parent. When finally completed the letter read as follows: “My dear father —I wonder if you will oblige me very greatly by sending me a copy of this month's ‘Parish Magazine,’ also a five-pound note. P.S. —Don’t forget the ‘Parish Magazine.’ ” ... The Goddess Alabaster.—A party of visitors entered an art gallery. The curator, who was showing them round, was called away and left the visitors in charge of an assistant. They were admiring a statue of translucent marble. Their guide dwelt on the fine points of the statue, giving the name of the sculptor, showing it from every side. One of the visitors, "Alabaster, isn't it?” “No, Venus,” he replied.

Aid to Solitude.—An onion a day keeps even flies away. * * * Top Storey Vacant.—He—“A month ago my wife left me without any reason.” She—“l felt sure some one had left you without it.” Knows Her Own Bomb.—Elsie—“Have you heard the story that’s going around about Eunice?” Grace—“ Heard it? Why, honey, I started it.”

“You will see, Robert —in a few years we shall ony need half an hour to go to London by air.” “Yes, but it will still take you two hours to get ready.” Journal Amusant, Paris. '•& rlt rl~

His Destiny.—Cricket Spectator.— “That umpire looks as if he’ll get into hot water when the match i« over.” Local Supporter:—“He won’t. ’E’s goin’ in the ’orse through.”

Faithful to Old Friends.—Mrs. Smythe: “I’m soliciting for a charity organisation. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?” Mr. Smith: “I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then in the morning I put them on again.”

“What? Two francs for having listened to the jokes of the proprietor?” “Yes—all amusements are paid for here.” “Good! Then I will charge your proprietor two francs for laughing at me when I fell down the stairs yesterday.” Pages Gaies, Yverdon.

Fatal Nap.—Policeman: “llow did the accident happen?” Motorist: “My wife fell asleep in the back seat.” * * * Cat Out of the Bag.—“ Miss Lamb—er—Sylvia—there’s a question I’ve been wanting to ask you for weeks.” “Carry on, old thing, the answer’s been waiting for months.” * * * Fulfilling a Dream. Aviator—“Wan’na fly?” Young Thing—“Oo-o-oh, yeh!” Aviator—“ Wait. I’ll catch one for you.” * * * The Same Language.—“ Has your husband given up golf?” someone asked Mrs. Smith. “Oh, yes,” was the reply, “but he stilj uses the language when he is changing tyres.” Shrinking .Violet.—Celebrity (after lengthy monopoly of the conversation): “But enough about me; let us talk about yourself. Tell me—what do you think of my part in the new play?” Safety First.—“Offlsher, you’d better lock me up. Jush hit my wife over ' the head wish a club.” “Did you kill her?” “Don’t think sho. Thash why I want to be locked up.” ♦ * * Looking for Next Summer.—“ Does your son Josh ever come back to visit you since he got in the movies at Hollywood ?” “Every summer,” answered Grandma Tuttle, proudly, “every summer of the three years he’s been gone.” “And does he bring his wife with him ?”

“Each time,” she answered, “and they was three as purty girls as you ever laid eyes on.”

•y vr tc. 7C. rrr Straight from the Shoulder.—-Asked to pray for warm w r eather so that her grandma’s rheumatism might pass away, a five-year-old girl knelt and said: “Oh, Lord, please make it hot for grandma.” * * * Second Rater. —“The best thing for you to do,” said the doctor, “is to give up smoking, drinking anything but water at your meals, late hours —” “Wait,” entreated the patient, “what’s the next best thing?” # * * Catching Complaint.—Absent-minded Professor: “Elizabeth, I believe I have lost the road.” Absent-minded Professor’s Wife: “Are you certain you had it when you left the house?” * * * Helping Himself. —Maid —“The furniture man is here.” Mistress —“I’ll see him in a minute. Tell him to take a chair.” Maid —“I did, but he said he would start with the piano and radio!”