LETTEBS FROM LITTLE BRITAIN.

Southland Times, Volume I, Issue 29, 6 August 1864, Page 3

LETTERS FROM LITTLE BRITAIN.

NO. XVI. The Winter Assizes commenced last Monday

I -week, July 11th. To ensure the punctuality of the jurors and witnesses, they were all summoned for six a.m., the court opening at noon ; and somo ■were unreasonable enough to complain loudly of the hardship of being summoned six hours too soon ! as if it were not absolutely essential to the ends of justice ! Of course it was ! The Chief Justice, in his charge to the Grand Jury, highly complimented Invermuddle on its gratifying progress in civilization since the last session, as shown in the increase in the calendar from three cases to 75. He admitted that a large proportion of the cases were unfortunately of a very trilling nature, sixty being indictments for stealing articles under the value of half-a-crown. Among the niore serious cases was one of arson. Arson consisted in setting fire to a dwelling-place. In this case the offence charged wa9 setting fire to a t shirt ; but as it was distinctly proved that tho owner was inhabiting the Bhrrt, the Grand Jury would see that it came within the statute. After further explanation, his lordship dismissed them to their labors. The Grand Jury then retired to their " room," or rather to the theatre, where they were accommodated with seats, and by the paternal and kind providence of the Government, it was arranged that special morning performances should be given, to beguile the time while tho bills were " found " or " ignored " by this .band of patriots. Their duties over, they of course went up with their "presentment," which was drawn up and handed in by the foreman, Mr. Theodore Beale. It set forth, with equal malevolence, ferocity, absurdity, and bad taste, that the Grand Jury had the disgusting impudence to disapprove and resent the efforts made by the neighboring Province of Omega to deprive Little Britain of all Assizes, on the ground that the live Judges were all wanted in Dundreary throughout the whole year, and that the Little Britons ought to go thither to transact their legal business, — that the Grand Jury considered this improper and unreasonable, &c. On receiving this audacious presentment, the Chief Justice fell back in his chair, and stared in speechless hoi'ror at the gang of desperadoes who could perpetrate such a horrid document. His Lordship at length found words to express his ineffable disgust and detestation of such an insult to Justice herself. He rated the Grand Jury soundly, and threatened to commit them for contempt of Court, and order them four dozen lashes a-piece unless they at once departed, which they accordingly did, with expedition. I must now abruptly change the subject. The Vestry Parliament has met, and who can any longer feel interest in the great actions of John Doe v. Richard Roe, for "trover"; Muff v. Snooks, for false imprisonment; Snooks v. Muff, for assault ; Doe v. Weathercock and Co,, for libel, &c, &c. ! Who, indeed ? The seventh session of the Vestry Parliament of Little Britain was opened on Monday last by His Super-Illustriousness, Dr. Faustus, in person. As serious altercations were anticipated, which, it was feared, might lead to a breach of the peace, it was considered advisable that Parliament should meet in tho Police Court, that, in the event of a disturbance, the members might be immediately "bound over" before the chief magistrate, who remained on the Bench throughout the whole of the proceedings. The members present were Messrs. Sawney, Whirligig, Dodgers, Whalebone, Heavy, C r, Baby, Parrot, Crammers, Squeers, Cowhide, Snail, and Weaklegs, and the Speaker. ■- Dr. Faustus' opening address was strictly on the pattern of all royal speeches — not remarkable for many startling ideas. His Super-Hlustrious-ness commented on the state of the exchequer, and advised them, as their bills for smaller loans had been disallowed, to vote treble the sum, that the Supreme Government might be induced to yield. He called attention to the increase of disease among cattle, and recommended them, to pass a law prohibiting the spread of pleuro-pnuemonia — an act likely to be attended with the happiest results. Parliament was then declared open, and the Doctor retired. Mr. Dodgers moved a reply to the address. Mr. Sqtteers (frantically) .—"Stop! stop! What do you mean by this, sir ? I'll speak ! I will move the reply ! I will " Mr. Dod&ebs (savagely). — "Then why the deuce don't you do it, and not stand jabbering there?" Mr. Sqtjeees (in a fury) .— " Sir ! How daro j you use such language to me ? Sir ! lam a, Roman Citizen. Sir ! lam a civis Bomanus sum vel fui ! Sir! I* am an Ancient Briton, a — a — I mean Ancient Greek! Sir, I " Mr. Whislighg- (soothingly).— "There, there, dinna fash yerael, mori ; ye shall crack a wee if ye please. (To the Speaker) . ; — Sir, ye ken weel that he's a right to move the reply if he likes." _ Mr. Cowhide (sapiently andargumentatively). — " I think they are both right, although if the first speaker is right, the second speaker must be wrongj; and if the "second speaker be right, the first speaker must be wrong, so I am afraid, they are both ■wrong. . Suppbes- we -let them both speak at once." (Cheers). ■'.'.<■' "' "•"■'■ " '•• The- motion was carried, and the House boo 'afterwards adjourned. > i 'A^-'the^evenmg .sitting, the Chancellor of the "Exchequer,- Mr. 1 Squeers, made his financial state- j 4 ment. It occupied thirteen hours in the delivery ; and on the whole, was not so amusing as could. But when it was finished, then came the "tug of war." ! Mr. .SQirEERS, : (ia a tone of sorrowful reproof ). — ."■Sirjsi.fearHhe/late.' Chancellor was no better than be. His extravagance, his dishonesty,; : his innincepity>, ■were*/ . sad and truly ; sinful, j The late Ministry was -rile and discreditable, wicked' and unrighteous. "How different; to the Roiaanns %lie AthehiarisY tho Laoedem<>nian ! would oM Cato say ?' s "'How 'would " Caligula "weep aiid

3fe*ft..fidittoft towmld Oioofo and Gato tow ihe& feaitf Oh, Vtoto»! whithav ftrt th<» flod P H And BO.oa.iw & e&tt.pla of hours, when »aitl» S3*. DAKIBJi OBUMSem <Wi^V f<»oolitf)r«»@Jft the ooro who has jwft. itotf W I* bMWf atfl r humbug. If ho givea m wmvp shook, iTwTpwsok hjs BwelloA-Brnftofc )u» teowpPi m dorian tit* flights, .Tto soonos to fitottJt ;gtiDkf«&d makes -hja^lf jo«toe;thp;liitfteft »w .Umg ft* l 4&s soak of the m% tWa*» wave all "'vim»\ M tjui soonw I urn Jn ftgiiaj flw qttwkw wo shftjl ge6 law tin to etvun^ up,'* toofe ;^|3? te> totl th& tttiise was ss ttefteawiu sUonbd waa w»fcG*«& (owlae to fh» ftftauraiott er the etoabafcants)! tfttL-wh -Weaklogt "took mi fipftoifctinity bf dOMitijfeUiß ;^lih'B maiden apweU, •with cMeulty au^.tijaelng a taadoaey to uaa ftftuticanivnguflgo." ' Mi*. SnAttift.— •" I suppose the hofti memse* aieana to move an adjouwnaoht P" ; Such proved to be the oa«a, and afte* a twmty* one hows' sitting, the House ftdjouynodsvathor hungry. . Tussday, 19th July. The House deoided to ignore the subjoct of finance, as prosy andnninteresting, and preferred discussing points of greater importance. Mr. Walker Parrot twice recited Longfellow's "-Psalm of life" most beautifully. Mr. C r gave some useful opinions on the "prices current" of tea, sugar, &c. Mr. Weaklegs and Captain Whalebone furnished some nautical anecdotes. Mr. Squeers supplied some additional information as to the proceedings of the ancient Grecians and Romans. He called attention to the fact that the wooden x'ailway was not a new invention, having been, in fact, planned and brought into use by Euclid and Archimedes at the siege of Troy, for conveying the artillery. While upon this subject, he wished to express his strong disapprobation of the conduct of Priam to the fair Helen, and intimated his firm conviction that Agamemnon, Hector, and Achilles were all madly in love with that charming young lady. Mr. Squeers was proceeding to speculate on the color of her eyes and hair, when he was rudely interrupted by Mr. Dodgers, who pronounced a dreadful anathema on the ancients in general, and declared he " did not care a — something — for the whole squad." [Saclly coarse ! Mr. Dodgers]. Mr. Crammers then explained a new 3lang vocabulary he had just published, and quoted largely from it. Mr. Heavy rose several times, and at each occasion remarked that "he was a new member," and then sat down immediately, to the joy of the House. The latter half of the sitting was occupied in fruitless attempts to explain to Mr. C y the purport of Mr. Sawney's " Dog-collar Act." This was a Bill to regulate the si"c, shape and color of the collars of all the dogs in Little Britain. Mr. C y was under the impression that the collar was a' charm against hydrophobia, and it proved impossible- to disabuse him of this idea, so the attempt was abandoned and the Bill passed. The Vestry Parliament have determined to make laws for all the other Provinces, and to declare war on them if they refuse to accept and adopt the same. A most proper resolution ! The House at length adjourned, and its example shall now be followed by FOSCO.