LETTERS FROM LITTLE BRITAIN.

Southland Times, Volume 2, Issue 61, 9 June 1863, Page 2

LETTERS FROM LITTLE BRITAIN.

(by "the man in the moon.'') No.l. Three years ago our small but flourishing Province of Little Britain formed part of the neighboring Province of Omega, whose rulers liberally allowed us five-eighths, and sometimes even one per cent, of the revenue col- j lected in our district. A certain runholder, j however, Dr. Faustus byname, finding sheep j farming a lucrative investment, suddenly be- i came smitten with an intense desire to purchase the freehold of his run. He petitioned: the Provincial Council of Omega turned a deaf ear to his entreaties. Fired j with resentment, the doctor vows "he will | have a government of his own" — -on the Robinson Crusoe principal. He calls a meeting of Little Britons, details their grievances, and they sign a memorial for separation. It is granted, and Dr. Faustus becomes Head Chief of Little Britain, and summons his first Council in the chief town, Winnebago. The uew land regulations are proposed. Distraction ! The Council rejects them. Dr. Faustus tears his hair, and in an ecstacy of rage exclaims, " Fortune, I have lost thee! " Slowly but surely we progressed, imtil gold diggings were discovered at Lake Waitabit, and diggers assembled by thousands. Our Chief was shamefully tormented by shallow and ignorant persons, who declared that a road should be made at once to supply tUe diggers with food. Dr. Faustus cast on the impertinent originator of the idea, a look which instantly withered him to a mummy, turned him into stone, and reduced him to impalpable powder. The Doctor spoke — "Am not 7 the master-mind of Little Britain ? Can an idea be good which took not its source from ME : were it so, would not MY vast intellect have received it long before you ordinary mortals ? NO : we will not have a road. Roads are of bygone days ; — we will have a tramway in good time, but at present the best mode of transit is a canal of liquid clay. The horses shall first acquire buoyancy by means of a diet of tutu, and swim ahead towing sledges behind them. This will reduce friction to its minimum." As the Doctor said, so it was done : the success was brilliant, — but alas, the miserable canaille would not rest. Next came the tramway, consisting of three rails, each two inches wide, laid upon piles twenty feet from the ground. The horses, which were by a special order to be trained on Astley's principle, were to keep on the middle rail ; Dr. Faustus quaintly observing that by this means mud would be unknown, cuttings and earthworks dispensed with, and everything confined to the strict rules of science. The penalty for slipping ©ff the rails to be £50, or a year's hard labor on the tramway. A tight rope to be stretched along the side of the road for pedestrians, and training schools for the same to be built in Winnebago. To prevent accidents from vehicles or passengers meeting, hotels were to be erected every mile ; for precedence to be decided at option by tossing up or dice. It was calculated that the sale of spirit licenses and the fines for drunkenness would alone pay all expenses. The superb idea was enthusiastically applauded by the Executive Council, but the profanum vulgiis raised vexatious and frivolous objections, and the engineer, Mr. Theodore Beale, a man of standing and ability, was (to his disgrace be it said,) won over by the popular cry to oppose the plan as difficult of execution and even chimerical. Dr. Faustus wisely disregarded this silly quibble, and ordered the tramway and tight-ropes to be at once constructed. I need hardly say this grand conception having been carried out, it is working to admiration, over £10,000 having been collected by fines in the first week, and only seventy-six lives lost by suffocation in the mud, after falling off the rails or tight rope through disgusting awkwardness, which deserved punishment. At the inquests, a veidict of felo-de-se was of course returned in each case. The principal occurrence during the month has been the election of " Suitable Persons to Construct Crabholes in the Principal Thoroughfares," to which fine display of wit the public were admitted at. the small charge of Is, reserved seats (to which you entered by the window) 2s. Six electors were present, and to ensure the three vacancies being satisfactorily filled, they determined on proposing ninsty-nine candidates, but the Returning Officer objecting to the number, it was reduced to seventyseven. The same proud and haughty official also objected, in strong terms, to a person introduced as a General Government Swell, he being disqualified. This insolent interference was properly resented by the electors, who, to show their independence, insisted on polling double ; twelve votes were accordingly registered. A lady was next proposed and also objected to by the Returning Officer, who, being defied to the proof and unable on the spot to give it, was taken out and ducked. During his absence it was resolved to elect all the rest, and on his r turn the proceedings were stopped for a pugilistic encounter to take place between two gentlemen bearing the respective cognomens of "Little Scotland," and"The Monk," who were both placed hors-de -combat. The new Board of " Persons to Construct Crabholes in the Principal Streets'" have decided on adopting the " Chiefs" tight-ropes, tramways and clay canals in the Winnebago streets. A company has been formed to run balloons and whale boats between the principal places : the undertaking is likely to be very profitable. I will write again shortly and report progress. For the present I must conclude. Fosco.