VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2300, 31 July 1880, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Plain Sewing.—Planting on the prairies. How mucli will a fool weigh ? —A simpleton, of course. Why are boots and shoes like door mats ? —Because they arc worn by the feet. When does night draw nigh?—When tea (t) is removed, for then night is nigh. Another Horror.—A lady’s magazine in its “Housekeepers’ Department,” informs its readers that “ Indian wives make the best of pickles.” “Sam, why don’t yon talk to your master, and tell him to lay up treasures in hcaren ?” “What do use ob him laying up treasures up dar?” replied Sam T“ he neber sec um again.” Where does the head of a pin go to when it gets mixed up with a man's collar? Vou can’t miss Uie point,but tbe head is neither on one side or the The microphone lias been successfully employed by Professor Milue, of iokio, Japan, to announce the premonitory

signs of an earthquake by being placed in pits in roads, Ac. A. lady recently married consulted ier lawyer 0:1 the billowing question: •‘As t wedded Air Smith for his .veallh, and that wealtii is now spent, am 1 not, to all intents and purposes a widow, and at liberty to marry again V .Augustus told Eveline ho wanted her for a helpmeet, and she represented that she could never be more Ilian assisler b him.

The Romance of it.—They call it a romantic marriage in Alichigan when a couple of the neighbors get the bri.teV father in a back room and sit upon him to prevent bis interrupting and breaking 111 > (be wedding. “ Surtout Point do Zoic.’’- Comely Lancashire AVidow (to zealous curate who is constantly hunting her truant offspring into the hoard school] —“ J tell yo what ’(is ye noan come aider t’ chihler ye come aider mo !” (Protestations.)— Punch.

The Morning Post says that when Sir George Balfour was speaking in the House of Commons one night, about half-past 8 o’clock (here was not a solitary' member on cither side of the House, and the hon. gentleman had to address himself exclusively to the Speaker. Kissing—A lady says that the first time she was kissed she felt like a tub of roses swimming in honey, cologne, nutmegs and cranberries. She felt as il something was running through her nerves on feet of diamonds, escorted By several little cupids in chariots drawn by angels, shaded by honey-suckles.and the whole spread with melted rainbows. The lecturer had got. as far as the words, “My course is open to your, judgment; I court animadversion,” when an elderly lady in 1 he side row rose with a jack-in-the-box abruptness, and gesticulating menacingly with her umbrella, exclaimed, “You hrazeii-laced villain ! to stand up there before all these folks and brag of courting Annie Madison, or whatever you call (lie huzzy! 1 guess your poor dear wife’s heart’ll break when she hears of it you ungrateful wretch! And hear oi it she shall before I sleep ibis night 1” Detected. —.Smythe, who has been dining at Greenwich with a few “choice spirits,” returning home rather later than he feels his wife would approve; so lie draws oil’ Ids bools, and steals nois:clessly into his room ; but, alas, his belter half awakes ! Quick as thought he creeps to his first born’s cradle, and begins to rock it, softly bumming a lullaby. A voice is heard Charles, what are you doing there?” “VA by, dear, I’ve been trying to get this .boy oil’ to sleep for the last half-hour 1’ “ But lie is here in bed with mo 1” Tableau !

The head of a bureau in an important Government departimml in Trance lias Jon.Lf been afflict eel with a friend who calls upon him regularly and sits down, and sits, and sits, and goes on silling till assault and . battery becomes a virtue. The other day this sedentary bore was in the I'nll exercise of his functions, when suddenly the otlicial, who had been scrutinizing him closely, cries:—“'l knew it! 1 was sure ol it ! Confound those olliee-boys with their tricks on strangers, lihe ve been putting glue on your chair again. l!i. dean, bring a sponge and a pail of water," and pressing with all Ids weight on (he shoulders of his victim to keep him down, lie continues. " .Don ( stir, you'd tear the cloth, sure i .Nothing is half so adhesive as glue on a eane-seat chair. 11 ere, d can, moisten this gent lonian so (hat we can get him loose. Don't spare the water -the (doth won't shrink or fade.” The faithful messenger obeys, and when (lie operation is over the oll'mial conducts the visitor to the door and bids him farewell with the- re mark “ Perhaps you want to hurry home and change your clothing, so 1 won't keep you. Good-bye; bless you I 11'your pantaloons are spoiled let me know and i'll stop the price of them out of the pay of the infernal scoundrel, if I can Mud out who lie was, and to that task, will I devote all the energies ol my lifetime and the whole machinery of the Government. Adieu! '1 he scoundrel! .1. I bought for several days past I hat (here was somelhing wrong.” Ills friend goes like the visions of youth never to return.