HUMOROUS GLEAMINGS.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 6, Issue 290, 6 July 1917, Page 2 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS GLEAMINGS.

Two women sat to<.. tiler in a ear. "How many chidreu have vou? - ' asked on* 1 . "Twenty-two.*' w:. ■ti , ■ .jh . Hew many have you '-"' "Thirty-one,'' repij.d «. ; i. .m. r A\ ith a look of amazement, a woman nest to them said: "Did J understand yon to say that one of you had twenty? two •vhildren and the o"ther thirty-one? \\ hy, you dnn't look more than twentyfive, yourselves." "We're school-teacher.-, madam." Manager (to late messenger): "You've been away over half-an-hour. and only to go round the corner!" Messenger: •Please, sir. a man dropped half-a-crown in the gutter. - ' Manager: "And did it take half an hour to find it?" Messenger; •• Plea.se, sir, I had to wait till the man went away." Private Simpkins had returned from the Front, to find tli.it his girl had heen walking out with another young man, and naturally asked her to explain, her frequent promenades in the city with the gentleman. "Well, dear," she replied, "it was only kindness on his part. He just took me down every day to tiie library to see if you were killed. - ' Aunt: "Do you know you are playing with two very naughty little boys, Johnny?" Johnny: "Yes." -Aunt: "You do. Tin surprised. Why don't you play with good little boys?'' Johnny: " Because their mothers won't let them." She was a bright girl, but she had married » poor man. ''Well, Mabel, dear," said a kindly old lady, a friend of many years' standing, "how do you find married life? - ' "Oh, sow-sew!" replied the young woman, with a sigh. "Mother, what part of the body is the trombone ?" "Xo part of the body, my dear!" "Yes it is; because it says in the paper here that last night, whdo returning from the concert, a musician fell and broke his trombone!" Anti-War Arguer (after long harangue against the war) :J.'But I might just as well talk to a lamp-post." Bored Soldier : " Better mate, for the lamp-post wouldn't think any the worse of you for it." The Johnsoas had an old hen which insisted upon neglecting her comfortab'e nest to lay a daily egg in the coal cellar. "I can't think, fretted Mrs Johnson, ad she and her small son, Joe, together hunted for that particular egg. " why this one hen insists upon using the coil cellar." "Whv, that's easy, mother," exclaimed Joe in astonishment. "I s'pose she's seen the sign. 'Now is the time to lay in your coal.' " " I thought you told me thhis marmalade was as good as butter? - ' said the woman angrily. " Yes, ma'am; and many of my customers prefer to use it for butter!" replied the grocer. " Well," said the women " They must have quoor tastes if thev use it as I did last night to fry them bloaters." " Well," tnen," said Tommy's l mother. "that's the last straw. I'm going to whip you for that." "Oh, ma," pleaded Tommy, "let's compromise this thing." "What?" . . v " Just call it quits nn' I'l use my influnence with pa to get you that new dress yofi want." The New Wife: "I want some apples please." Grover: "Cooking apples?" The New Wife: "Oh, well, I want the cooking kind; and you may also send some potatoes, also of the cooking variety. Adoring Grandmother 1 "In't he a lovely baby " Calm Visitor: "Yes, he's a nice little baby." Adoring Grandmother (enthiriastically): "And so intelligent! He just lies there all day and breathes, and breathes, and breothes,"

Teacher (to young people): i( Xow, Johnny, w'nat is a skeleton-''' Johnny: "Please, ma'am, wiv the people rubbed off.' 1 'Oh. mother, how I wish I were an angel!" "Darling, what makes vou sav that?" "Oh, because then, mother. I coidd drop bombs on the Germans!" " Wlien you found you didn't have your fare, did the conductor make you get off and walk ?" asked the inquisitive man. " Only Ret off," responded the literal one. ;; He didn't seem to care whether I walked or sat down."' He (vaguely): " How would you like to ••(• the man in the moon?'" She (pointedly) : ''l'd mncn prefer to be the woman in the honevmoon."