THE OLDEST JOKE OF THE WAR.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 191, 14 July 1916, Page 4 (Supplement)

THE OLDEST JOKE OF THE WAR.

It was a balmy evening in tho year 54 B.C. The gr.at -luliiis Caesar was seated in his tent penning his celebrated memoirs. A p'eased smile parsed over his well-chiselled features* a happy pnrase had occurred to him, he glanced round for his well-known satellites that lie might inflict it upon them; they were- gone. Mark Anthony preferred to coin his own phrases, and Brutus—well. Brutus, as that coarse, young gentleman afterwards admitted —Brutus was "fed up." At tnis propitious moment the sontry appeared. "An old man craves admittance. Mighty Caesar. Shall I hand him over to the torturers to inquire his business?'' "Nay! nay! mv gentle Caligula!" replied the Warrior-Histor-ian. " Perchance he may liave «omoliterary talent; let him enter." An old man enters nis hair is white, lus body is fooblo, but the dauntless spirit of the old Roman soldier leap? forth from his flashing eye. "A boon! Great Caesar, a boon!"' he cries.

•Hearken to this," interrupts the great man. 'Having pacified the/ Aedui and the iril>es of Northern Gaul, T determined to teach these haughtyislanders a lesson. Ts that not a happynote? 'Pacified?' I swept their land with fire-sword, and gave them peace —the pence of death."'

"It is indeed happy," echoed the Aged One. "That phrase will long O'Vlive the kultur of the savage tribes beyond the Rhine. But I crave a boon, 'lake me with thee across the seas to> light those Islanders."

"Nay, old man, that cannot be," said Julius, "only ha'e and hearty menare wanted. No toothless old dotard can go with me." The old man came nearer and whispered. It was the great war joke! Its efT<i;-t was instantaneous. The great conqueror shook with merriment, his peals of laughter alaimed the camp. Ills face turned purple, and even his bald head glowed with a ruddy glow. "'Old man," lie gasped, "never have I heard a happier jest. Never since I pacified the Belgae.. have I enjoyed myself more. True, my word is parsed, and thou canst not accompany meto Britain. But thy jest shall go. and p'anted in that fertile soil it will livo for ever."

And so it came to pass: centurie? (lapsed, but the jest coiild not die. In times of peace it might sleep and be forgotten, but with the sound of the war trumpet it woke with renewed strength and vigour. Old grey-haired ieen mumbled i't a« they girt on their armour and reached down their trusty spcare. Babes lisped it at their mother'.- kne-. Stern-faced Puritans hearkened to it "with a grim smile. Gay Cavaliers made merry with it over their wine. Marllwrough'h tioops, when net "swearing horribly in Flanders." told it to one another as a new and happy jest. Even the stern features of the Iron Duke are said to have relaxed when first iie heard the merry quip. The Crimea knew it, and so did the Boor War. When this great war broke ".ut it wars heard again In hundreds of recruiting offices and by thousands of recruits were these words spoken. Words that might well have figured on recruiting posters. Words that ought to be engraved in letters of gold ar.d preserved amongst the antiquities in the British Museum.

The plea of the toothless patriot:— "I want to fight tho Germans —not to o;it them."—W. J. R.