PASSING THE DOCTOR

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 183, 16 June 1916, Page 3 (Supplement)

PASSING THE DOCTOR

■< * "V —— —>*- By ASHLEY STERNE m "Tit Bits." I was sure that it was my liver that was all wrong. 1 had an anatomical chart (I used to heave a brace ot dumubells about in front of it in accordance with the instructions printed thereon) whjch 1 consulted; and as 1 saw tnerefrom that the liver seemed to occupy most of the space where 1 was feeling particularly bad, I knew at once where the root of the trouble lay. Undoubtedly my liver had got rolled up, or uau tied itself into a knot. Clearly it was my duty to go to a mediciae-man and have it unrolled or untied, as the case might be. So I went; and the servant showed me into a room where a benevolent old gentleman sat at a table reading the Special Summer Number of the 'Antiseptic Gazette' for the year 1899. 1 went up to him and recited all my symptoms. Then, when L had finished, lie said: "My yowng friend, I am deeply pained at all you have told me, but 1 am afraid I cannot do anything lor you." "Am I as bad as all that?" I cried, in alarm. "Am I incurable. - '' He took up the Christmas Extra Number of the 'Amputator for the year 1801, and said, solemnly "1 cannto say. I can only advise you to wait and see " . "Mr. Asquith!" I exclaimed. "Who'd have thought of meeting you? I am P 1 " "I can only advise you to wait and see th'e doctor," he continued, looking at my outstretched hand, Mid finally deciding to have nothing to do with it. "I have come to give his daughter a singing-lesson." "Step this way, please," said the servant, re-entering, and I hurriedly followed her. "Oh, doctor," I began as soon as 1 got within shouting distance, "I ve got a horrible pain just here, and another just here, and 1 feel as if nothing interests me but funerals and inquests and fogs! and " "Sit down!" he commanded, "Now open your mouth. No, 1 don't want to get inside," he added, hastily, as 1 started to comply with his request. "Now say seventy-six. Again. Cough" (1 did so.) "Sneeze" (I tried to.) "Yodel." (I fell off the chair.) '• Ah, I thought so! 1 don't much care for the look of your tongue," he observed, gravely. "It's very white." "Some people don't like Albino tongues," I remarked, "but I'v.o got quite used to it. It just fits my mouth. At the same time, I think it only fair to tell you I don't love your whiskers passionately." He affected not to hear my stinging rejoinder to his critique of my tongue, and proceeded to get a divining-rod out of a drawer. I knew what he was going to do. He was going to hold it over my head to see if I had water on the brain. But lie didn't. He just .seized my dickey and threw it on the floor. "Stand up. I want to sound your chest," he said without apology, "and then he jabbed the divining-rod into me and put an electrophone tube into eac liof his ears. 1 was wondering what tune my works would play, when he looked up and said : "I don't like your heart a bit. The aortic valve squeaks, and the mitral valve's loose. And I don't like your lungs. They're ul! wrong—all of them. Turn round." I did so, and was just going round for the fourth time when lie_ stopped me. "I don't want you to spin like a —like a "

"Silkworm?" I suggested, as lie seemed stumped for a simile. "No, no! like a Dervish," he said, testily. ''l only want your back." As his wants were so few and 60 simple I gratified them. Then he readjusted the divining-rod and stuck it in my spine. " Your spleen's a disgrace," I heard him mutter; "and as for your liver Hang it, man! What have you done with it?" "Well," I said, "it was there when I came out. P'r'aps 1 left it in the tram; or it may be in my hat. I carry things there sometimes." "Ah ! I've found it!'" cried the medi-cine-man. giving me a ferocious dig between the shoulder-blades.

"And now you've found it," I 9bserved, sarcastically, "you don't like it a bit, of course-" "No, I don't," remarked the medi-cine-man. "It's absolutely the worst liver I've ever seen —1 mean heard. 1 must give you a prescription immediately." He went to his desk, opened a drawer full of prescriptions, and picked one out. "Take this to 154, Hi<ih Street," he said, giving it to me, "and then have a dose at once."

I departed forthwith, and found that 1" 1, High Street, was not a chemist's, init a picture-palace. I was on the point of returning to the medicine-man to tell him of bis error, when I thought T might as well look at the prescription. It ran:'

"One reel of C'arolus Capellanus to h<> taken immediately. Then repeat do-e daily until bad symptoms disappear." "Carolus Cape : lanus!" I repeated to myself. "What's that? Some new drug. I suppose. Carolus Capell c "Charlie Chaplin now showing!" shouted the commissionaire in the lobby. "'Roll up! Step in!" "Of course,'' I murmured; and f rolled up and stepped in.