HUMOURS OF THE PULPIT.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 4, Issue 96, 15 October 1915, Page 3 (Supplement)

HUMOURS OF THE PULPIT.

The advice given by a famous parson that the three essential qualities of a good preacher were that he should "Stand up, speak up, and shut up" lias become axiomatic. Failure to act according to that advice had led to many humorous incidents, but for all that it is far from easy to follow such excellent counsel. There is not much difficulty in standing up, but many preachers, particularly at first, find tho speaking up requires a considerable amount not only of assurance but tf knowledge of the subject. As for shutting up—we'll, that is a sheer impossibility to that rather large class 01 preachers who are either so earnest that they lose all sense of time and proportion or are " inebriated with the exuberance of their own verbosity.'

One of the classical stories concerning the long-winded type is that of the preacher who was holding forth at interminable length on the major and minor prophets. And now brethren, he said, after an hour and a half or so, "We come to Habakkuk. What place shall we give to Habakkuk?" "Habakkuk can have my place, called out a man at the back, as he rose and left the church. We have mentioned the self-assur-ance which is necessary to the man who wants to speak up. Lack of this quality, it has been alleged, was the secret of the ill-success of the local preacher who tried to begin a sermon on Zaccheus, who, it will be remembered, climbed a tree to see Jesus pass. Vain was the preacher's efforts to collect his scattered thoughts, but out of his confusion came an epigram. "Zaccheus,' he said, " was little of stature, but he wasn't as small as I feel myself to he now; he was up a tree, and so am I; and 'he made haste and came down, which is just what I shall do myself. The preacher suited the deed to the words forthwith. Pulpit and pew have a humour all their own, and often enough it is at eachother's expense that the jokes are made. In the case of a famous prizefighter turned evangelist the pulpit had the best of it. The former boxing friends of the revivalist were unnecessarily annoved because he had cast off his old-time habits, and one day they decided to spoil his meeting. So a row of them took their seats immediately below hie rostrum, which was quite a small affair, bearing a particularly heavy Bible. From the outset they interrupted frequently, despite thew quondam boxer's earnest appeals tor better treatment. At last the oia Adam rose in the preacher, and he issued not an appeal, but a warning. If the men just below the pulpit did not behave themselves he would have to make them do so, he said. The interruption proceeded. Then something happened. "If the brethren will not hear the Word," said the preacher, "they shall feel iV And, lifting the big Bible in that powerful right hand which laid many opponents low, he leaned over the rostrum and swept three of his hearers out of their seats. Thereafter the sermon went on in quietness. IN DISAGREEMENT.

The story that used to be told about Bishop Bloomfield is one illustrating a " score" by the pew against the puipit. When he was a rector Bloomfield went to preach at a neighbouring village, and'forgot to take his sermon with him. It was too late to return, and so, for the first and only time in his life, he preached extempore, taking for his text the words, "The fool hath said in his heart there is no God." Anxious to know how he had succeeded, he asked one of the congregation on coming out how he liked the sermon. "Well, Mr. Bloomfield," replied the man, "I liked the sermon well enough. Butl can't say that I agree with you. I believe there is a God." Of witty sayings attiibuted to gentlemen of the cloth, the list is endless. Possibly some of them i re too good to be true, and others too bad. A High Church clergyman writii g to the famous Dr.- James Freeman Clarke, dated his letter "Candlemas Day," whereupon Dr. Clarke, with a rare sense of fitness of things, dated his reply "Washing Day." Dr South was a witty divine ot the tim of Charles 11. A young curate once complained to him that he had received only £5 for preaching a sermon at Oxford. " Five pounds!" exclaimeu the doctor, "why, I wouldn't have preached that sermon for ntty pounds!" It is not said whether the curate appreciated this keen satire. A SHREWD REPROOF. The people of a certain parish were not less shrewdly reproved Ly ihe clergyman who, at the close of hi 6 sermon on day, announced to his congregation that in the couise of the coming week he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. His parishioners crowded round him, reproaching him for having kept his intended departure a secret till the last minute, beggn? him not to go, and asking what they should do when he had gone abroad. "Oh!" 6aid he, "you will see as muca of me as ever; I don't expect it will be necessary for me to go beyond the boundaries of the parish." We have already mentioned the cutting wit of Dr. South, and another story of that cleric, who must have been capital company, comes to mind. On one occasion when South waa preaching before Charles 11. and his profligate Court, he soon perceived that his reluctant congregation was asleep. He stopped short in his harangue and changing his tone, he called out to Lord Lauderdale three times. His lordship 6tood up. "My Lord," said South, with inimitable dignity, " I am sorry to interrupt your repose, but I must beg of you that you will not snore quite 60 loudly lest you awake His Majesty." SIDNEY SMITH. Many are the good stories of the wit of Sidn'v Smith, the one of its particularly bright examples was on the occasion when the dean and chapter of a certain cathedral were discuss:ng the propriety of making a wooden pavement round the cathedral. "Well, brethren," said Smith, "you have only to lay your heads together and it will be done. " John Berridge, who was vicar of Everto at the time of the great revival, in which ho was one of the leaders, had critics who thought that he should jog along decorously and lazily as vicars used to do in the bad old day* which he helped to displace. His enemies called him "an old devil." "Do you know Berridge?" asked a stranger of the man himself.

"Yes." "They tell me he is a troublesome, meddlesome fellow." "I know him," answered Berridgc, " and I can assifre you half hie wickedness has never been toid." They walked on to the church t here Berridge preached. When the stranger saw him ascend the pulpit he was stnpificd. t Once when pointing out to a finest at Everton the pictures op <*-> wall, he

ran through-them thus:—"That is Calvin, that is Luther, and that," pointing to a frame over the fireplace, "is the devil." The guest looked, and saw his own face in the minor. FOLLOWING SUIT. A well-known Nonconformist preacher of some years ago had certain peculiarities in his appearance. His hair was red, he wore blmo glasses, and these features coupled with his white tie, led the young people of his church irreverently to call him White, and Blue." One Sunday, when he was Urea thing at Bradford, he looked round the church and saw that a good many of the people were asleep. With a smile, he remarked, "If only a few more go to sleep I think I may have a nap, too." John Wesley had a gift of repartee and wit, as well as of eloquence in preaching. On one occasion, when about to dine, in company with one of his preachers, with a rich Methodist, Weslap caustically snubbed both his colleague and their ostentatious host. The table was spread with more than luxury, and Wesley's colleague exclaimed, with more zeal than politeness, "0, sh", what a sumptuous din ner! Things are very different to what they were formerly. There is now but little self-denial among the Methodists."

"My brother," said Wesley, pointing to the table, " there is a fine opportunity for self-denial now."

WESLEY'S BROTHERLY LOVE

On another occasion he was at one of the early conferences, when a preacher rose u pand, with irrepressible emotion, began to relate his religious experience. Wesley's brother, Charles, could not tolerate this, and cried out, " Stop that man from speaking. Let us attend to business." But still the good man proceeded. " Unless he stops, I'll leave the conference," cried Charles Wesley. John looked up with a dry smHe. "Will one of the brethern .reach my brother his hat?" he said. Charles subsided. It is inevitable that reference should be made to Peter Mackenzie, who was so popular an evangelist amongst the Wesleyans some few years ago. He was noted for his pulpit humour, and on one occasion remarked, "It's a mercy Jacob didn't ke pa refreshment room, for he charged so much for his porridge." Speaking once of a man with a very wide mouth, he remarked: "1 should think a man with a mouth like that could sing a duet all by himself."