JOTTINGS.

Putaruru Press, Volume IV, Issue 160, 25 November 1926, Page 3

JOTTINGS.

Neat He (angrily): “Do you always believe everything every fool tells you?” She (sweetly): “No, darling. But sometimes you do sound so plausible.” Didn’t Consult Her. The Coroner: “Did your husband act like a man who contemplated suicide?” The Missus: “Well, I can’t say he [ did, sir. But, then, he was a queer | man—he never took me into his confidence.” Very Much. Alive. Pat and Jock had taken a cabin on the plains with the object of hunting wild beasts. One morning Pat went out fully equipped for a day’s hunting. Noe long after Jock was surprised to see Pat racing towards him with a lion sit liis heels', shouting:— “Jock, Jock, open the door; I’m bringing him home alive!” Out of His Turn. A miner took his boots to be soled but was not in a hurry to pay for them. After a few weeks had elapsed, the shoemaker called to ask for his money. The miner’s wife answered the door, and, on being told by the shoemaker that he had called for the money for the boots, she shouted into the house and told her good man what was required. “What!” exclaimed the minor. “Ho wants the pay for soling the boots. Toll him it’s' not his turn. Why, "che chap that made them hasn’t got paid yet! ” At the Zoo. Mummy:' “That’s a peacock and this is a peahen. Now I wonder what the little babies are called darling?’’ Darling: “I know, Mummy—peanuts! ” Knew the Signs Old Quills, the stationer, brought forth a box of stationery, and turned the contents out before the young lady. “Yes, I rather like that,” observed the said young lady, “I’ll take a hundred sheets if I may.” 11 Oh, certainly, miss,” answered Quills. “and some envelopes to match? ’ ’ * l Yes, please—twenty-five. ’ ’ “And when docs the wedding take place?” inquired the man behind the counter pleasantly. The young lady coloured and stammered, “W-who-who said anything about a-a wedding?”

"Ah,” chuckled old Quills, “do you think I haven’t been in the business long enough to know that when a charming young lady buys a hundred sheets of notepaper and only twenty- , five envelopes there must be something .What Ma Says. • After all sorts of hints Johnny succeeded in getting a penny from his mother, but he failed to thank her for it. Whereupon the mother, somewhat ashamed of her off-spring’s rudeness, remonstrated. I “Johnny, you are awfully forgetI ful; what do you say when you getsomething ’ ’ “I don’t know,” was Johnny’s only reply. “You don’t know? Why, Johnny, it’s awful! What docs mamma say i when papa gives her money ” j “Is this all?” was Johnny’s abrupt ■j I re P l y* 1 Correct. Mr Adams, to schoolmaster: “My wife and. I were particularly grati- I fled over a letter received from our j boy the other day announcing that j he leads his class.” Schoolmaster: “Ah, yes! The boys ; march into class in alphabetical J order! ” Not his Fault. | A few weeks ago an Irish labourer j new to the work was engaged by a I farmer. His job was ploughing, and as \ the furrows were very uneven the farmer told him to look at something at i the other end of the field as a guide. “That cow over there by the gate,” . he said, “is right opposite us. Now j work Straight for her.” “Roiglit you are, sorr,’ ’ said Pat. ; Coming back*later on, the farmer was i amazed to find that the plough had ! been travelling zig-zag all over the t field. j | “W-what’s —what’s the meaning of this, man?” he demanded angrily. “What have you been doing?” 11 Shure, sorr,’ ’ was Pat’s reply, “Oi did what you told me. Oi worked straight for tli’ cow, but th’ craythur J didn't kapo still!” Suggestive A famous London eoifiedian, who shall be nameless, was invited to a certain peer’s house during the summer season. After dinner on one occasion he was telling the guests a few of his besi yarns, when suddenly, in tho midst of his choicest, a guest rudely interrupted with the words:— “Excuse me, but your watch is hanging half-way out of your pocket.” “Thanks,” said the other gravely, as he replaced the article. “Of course, you know the company so much better than I.” I Hard on the Huns. j A well-known man, who is the father j of ton children, took his ten-year-old ( son to see how court was opened. The I boy was impressed with the dignified j traditional formula—“ Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! This honourable court is now open pursuant to adjournment.” I 1 When the youngster went home ho told his sister everything that had hap- ’ pened. “They surely arc sore on the Iluns down there in the court,” he 1 said. “Why, every time they open

i they yell this honourable court is now . open pursuing a German.” : I J Reciprocity I Customer (draper, who has made a I collection of some of the choice eonfec- | tioncry in the.shop): “Now, if you will wrap these up, I’ll take them home, I examine them, and let you hear from I me.” I Confectioner (astounded): “Why, j man alive! I can’t stand that!” | Customer: “Can’t stand it! Why, | your wife comes up to my shop about j twice a week and does the same thing; 1 with my goods. ’ ’ j Not only He j 4 ‘Well, my little man,” queried the j minister who was making a call, ‘ ‘ do you always do as your mama Tells you?” “You bet I do!” answered the prej cocious five-year-old. “And so does i Sausages With Tomatoes Take some cold sausages; if there i are only two or three, chop and put ' into a piedish. Skin three or four j tomatoes, slice these and place on top j *of sausages. Now prepare a teaeupful of well-seasoned white sauce, pour it over tho tomatoes. Sprinkle with a j gra e of cheese, and then with a layer j of fine breadcrumbs. Bake until brown. ' The Yield. j First Physician: “Did old Coupon’s case yield to your treatment?” Second Physician: “It did. I treat*cd it for six months, and it yielded | something like a hundred guineas.” Ready to Advance. ! A good story is told of a youth who i got employment at ia Cardiff Docks i warehouse. Proceeding through the basement of the building ho noticed that something was wrong with the gas. He gave the alarm and stopped what might have proved a serious accident. ! The incident was reported to the head j of the firm. ’ ’ j “You have done me a great service, my boy,” said the genial head, “and in future your wages will be increased | two shillings weekly.” [ Thank you, sir,” said the smiling lad; “I will do my best to be a good servant to you.” “That’s the righ spirit, my boy,” said the chief; “in all the years I have been in business nobobdy has ever thanked me in that manner. I will make the increase three shillings. Now, what do you say?” “Well, sir,” replied the boy, smilingly, “would you mind if I said it again? ’ ’ The Fashion There. The artist entered the village barber’s shop and asked the man to trim his rather long hair. Hu was tired and fell asleep in the chair. Waking ho discovered that the barber had cropped his hair close to the skull. “Heavens!” he said, “is this the way you trim hair?” “Yes, sir,” answered the barber. “I’ve only just come to this village, but I always trimmed the hair like that where I was before?” “And where on earth was that?” demanded the artist. * ‘ Dartmoor! ’ ’