FIRST MINISTER OF FOOTBALL.

Putaruru Press, Volume II, Issue 42, 7 August 1924, Page 3

FIRST MINISTER OF FOOTBALL.

RUGBY PORTFOLIO INAUGURATED. A Vision of 1910. Has It Come True ? (Manawatu Daily Times). It would appear to have arrived. What? The Ministry of Rugby. Why? Because we believe Le® S. Fanning to be not only a clever journalist, but also a Rugby authority second to none in the land. Is he not a big brother of the great “ Bemie ” who locked the 1904 New Zealand scrum to victory against BedellSivright’s Britishers at Wellington ? But it is as a prophet he has made his fame. It is only fourteen short years ago that his “ Players and Slayers ” was published. The chapter entitled “ A Vision of 1924 ” Hall-marks him as a wizard of the Rugby game. Cicero wrote in the dark ages: “ I shall always consider the best guesser the best prophet.” Be that as it may for once a prophet is about to proves the exception to the rule that his brethren have no honor in their own country. THE VISION. Here is the vision of 1910 adapted by the Manawatu Daily Times Rugby writer to suit the requirements of the year A.D. 1924: It is the office of the Minister for Football (the right Hon. the member for Kaipara). The walls are adorned with photographs of renowned New Zealand forwards, five-eighths, threequarters, and so on. In a bottle on a shelf there is a large hairy ear that a wing-forward snatched from a frontranker in the Land of the Leek. Over the door hangs a scalp which a lockforward whipped from the cranium of a foeman in Ireland. From time to time the Minister helps himself from a snuff-box made from a huge nosebridge, which one of our gallants secured in South Africa. All around there is evidence of New Zealand' prowess on many a field of battle in foreign lands. The head of the Department looks worried, for he is puzzled to know how he will make his vote of £IOO,OOO go all round New Zealand with every little community demanding a morgue, a resident surgeon, and other necessaries for football. Just whenjiis brow is tied in a knot for the sixteenth time a subordinate knocks, and thrusts a scared face through the door. “ Another deputation,” he whispers, as he dodges a skull (once owned by Llewellyn, of Nmxllfyll) which the irate chief hurls at him. “ Bring ’em in, bring ’em all in. Deputations, deputations, anil more deputations. I don’t know where they get all the deputations. There are

only a million people in this colony, but there are a million billion deputations. They are infatuations, talkuations, talk-dumblindendandsilliations. Hand me my trusty axe. No, stop; I’ll try to be calm, but just for once. Get you some red ink and write a notice: ‘ The next deputationiser will have to go in the front rank of the scrum in the next battle between Auckland and Hawkes’ Bay. The Lord have mercy on his soul. God save the King-.’ Bring in the talking ma- 1 chines.”

There was a nervous shuffling of feet, a hurried whispering, and then the army entered. It was a contingent of boiler-makers, blacksmiths, bank-managers, lawyers, navvies, clergy and politicians.

The Rev. Dr. Tyler introduced the regiment with a nervous 1 m—m —m.” “We feel,” he said, “ that the fair fame and name of this land of the free is likely to be besmirched if we continue to keep Mill in the position of half. Somehow, I think he is not earning the £IOOO a year that the Department gives him. Only last Sunday I was talking the matter over with an elder of my congregation, and we agreed that Mill’s foot was losing some of its ‘ devil.’ His punching does not always get the pocket— I mean the line—and when he is after a man or the ball his eye has a roving commission among* the fair on the spectatoriat benches which I like not too well. I think, and my lay deputatationists think, that a reduction of the salary by £250 might have a salutary effect. Then there is McGregor IV., who should cTo a lot more in a snug billet worth £6OO. Members of my congregation say—and the deputation corroborates—that his chest and shoulders are not as pugnacious as they used to be. Formerly he would run into a man rather than skip around him; but latterly, whether the flesh is'willing or not, the spirit seems jaded, and he has taken to the habit of dodging, a reprehensible practice in him. As a minister of the Gospel, I do not like to see unnecessary bloodshed, but in a just cause—and a battle with Australia is a just cause —I do think it is reasonable to see the enemy afflicted. For the sake of New Zealand, home and beauty, I believe that homicide is justifiable; but it is 'months since McGregor killed a man. Why, when our army last invaded New South Wales, he brought back a paltry thumb he won from the full-back. I think, and I therefore? ask: Is it reasonable to pay a man £6OO a year when one enemy’s solitary thumb is all he has to show for it?’* After other deputationists had similarly spoken, the Minister tersely replied: “They are two good men,” he exclaimed, “ and I consider we should not be in a hurry to dock their emoluments. Mill’s sin is not original. I think he has simply followed the example of the Knights of old. What is wrong with ‘ Jimmy ’ casting his eyes towards the fair ones when his hands are waving the gory ear of a foeman ? However, I cannot say that I altogether condone the practice. My officers shall w r atch him and others, and if they are found to be spending too much of their eyesight on the ladies’ pavilion I shall have blinkers put upon them. As for McGregor IV., and others who appear to be losing some of their ‘ bite ’, a simple thing will cure them. They should be dieted. I shall despatch them to the State Training School for a month, and they shall be chained up with nothing to eat but raw meat. Do you remember the effect that treatment had on our historic winger, Porter? He got most of the exhibits in the Glory Room, but he began to grow meek and mild, and latterly would return from Australia with nothing but two or three eyebrows, a few fingers, a knee-cap, and other trifles to show for ten matches. We raw-meated him, and he brought back enough booty next time to fill every vacant place on the shelves in the gallery, and have a surplus for the surgical schools, enough to keep them going over-time for a year.’