Editor's Walles

Otago Witness, Issue 4029, 2 June 1931, Page 76

Editor's Walles

PITTER PATTER. The most beautiful women are always to be seen with tire other man. ffi V- VMen make all the big things in the yorld —including mistakes. * # * “No matter what she attempts, she puts everything she has into it.” “ Yes, I’ve noticed that about her hash.” ¥ ¥ ¥ An elderly lady was ’asked what she thought of modern young men. Her reply deserves to be set on record: “Why, they’re only carbon copies of the men who existed in my time.” ¥ ¥ ¥ A Cabinet Minister recently received the present of a leather bag. Preferable to the sack, anyhow. * ¥ ¥ That which might have been expressed more felicituosly:— ‘ On 10th inst., Mary, wife of . . . ’Peace, perfect peace.’” THE MANTELPIECE. On Grannie’s mantelpiece there stands A golden clock with golden hands. It’s face is very white and neat, And it has little golden feet., And there are lots of china tnings: A little boy with feathery wings. A prickly sheep, a dog with spots, A funny house with chimney-pots, And in a frilly, flowery dress, A very smiling shepherdess. And at the end of all the rest Are vases (which I like the best), All hung with, crystal bars and balls, Making bright places on the walls. •—Rose Fyleman,. in the School Journal Journal. (Abridged). DEFIANCE LENDS ENCHANTMENT. Sandy had installed a wireless set in his house, and on the first Sunday he sat very soberly and silently listening to a minister preaching in a church. Suddenly he laid down his headphones, leant back in his chair, and burst into a fit of laughter. “Oh, Sandy, Sandy!” cried his wire, “ what's up wi’ ye? ” “Wheest, Maggie!” he replied. “They re .fakin’ the collection!” MISUNDERSTOOD. Joan, the city girl, went for a brief spring holiday m the country. After a while she became aware of a young farmer who was paying her his attentions. One moonlight evening, as they were strolling across a meadow, they saw a cow and a calf rubbing noses. The young man gazed longingly into the girl’s eyes. “Ah,” he exclaimed poetically, that sight makes me want to do the same!” The girl smiled. “All right, go ahead, then,” sue replied. “It’s your cow, isn’t it?” EXTREMELY SO! The fellow who had recently taken up golf was talking with a number of more experienced members in the clubhouse. “ I went round in a hundred and twentyfour to-day!” he said. “Indeed,” said one listener courteously. “ Was that net or gross?” “Well,” said the tyro, “ I’m afraid I don’t quite know, but I should imagine that a hundred and twenty-four is very gross indeed.” IN EFFECT. An old lady was terribly shocked at the lurid language of two electricians who were working near her house. She went to the electric company and complained. One of the two workmen was called in and asked to answer the charge. He said: “ Well, me and Bill Dawson were on this job. I was up the pole, and accidentally I let the hot lead fall on Bill. It went down his neck, and he said, ‘ You really must be more careful, Harry.’ ” THE MAGIC COTTAGE. It was here at the edge of the wood That she and .1 quarrelled and parted, As we vowed to each other, for good. Had she been, like me, broken-hearted? My letters came back through the post, “ Not known,” as the postman confesses. She had flitted away like a ghost, And ghosts have no need of addresses.

But though only one long year has passed (It has seemed more like ten in the going) On the spot -where I looked on her last A neat little cottage is showing. What joy such a dwelling might hold! It makes a delightful impression, While I read on the board, “ To be sold,” And, moreover, “ with vacant possession.” There is someone admiring its charms Whose face I scarce need to discover. O! my loved one, come back to the arms Of your eager and penitent lover.) Let us suffer no' longer. apart. ■’ ' j . Does it matter what you said or I did? Fate has brought us together at last With our home and our future decided. —C. E. 8., in Home Chat. SO OLD. A spinster of uncertain age had completed her form correctly excepting that she had left blank the space in which she ought to have recorded the year of her birth. “Did Mr and Mrs Hill in the house opposite give their age? ” she asked the official. “Yes, madame.” “ Well, I’m the same age as they are.” “Very well, madame, I'll just -enter, ‘As old as the Hills."’

A GENTLE HINT. A customer sat down to a table in a smart restaurant and tied his table napkin round his neck. The manager, scandalised, called a boy and said to him: “Try to make him understand as tactfully as possible that that’s not done.” Boy (seriously, to customer): “Shave or haircut, sir? ” A HELPFUL SUGGESTION. An employer who believed in supporting all efforts to introduce a new spirit into industry had called his inen together to place before them his plans for bettering working conditions. “ Now, whenever I enter the workshop.” he said, “I want to see every man cheerfully performing his task, and therefore I invite you to place in this box any suggestions as to how that can be brought about.” A few days later he opened the box and took out a slip of paper on which was written —“ Take the rubber heels off your shoes.” SARCASTIC. It was a miserable day, and the bus conductor was not in a very cheerful frame of mind. It so happened that one passenger discovered he hadn’t sufficient money to pay his fare, but he managed to find a couple of farthing and a halfpenny stamp. These he tendered to the conductor. These proceedings were -watched with much interest by other passengers, who were anxious to see what the conductor would do. Turning to the next fare, the conductor smiled bitterly. “An’ what ’are you brought,” he inquired. “jam jars?” GENERALS AND GENERALS. The late “ Tim ” Healy had a lightning Hibernian wit which was never better demonstrated than in this story of him. During the Irish “ troubles ” and after the reorganisation of the Irish “ armv ” it will be remembered that there seemed to be a disproportionate number of officers of high rank. One day someone remarked upon this to “Tim” and said, “Why is it, Mr Healy, that there seem to be so many generals in the Irish army?” Heredity,” replied Healy at once, “most of their mothers were ‘ generals,’ too.” IN REVERSE GEAR. The motorist was summoned for drivin" recklessly through a ten-mile speed limit’. My speed was nothing like 30 miles an hour, sir,” he said to the magistrate, “nor 25. nor 20.” (f Careful, now,” warned the magistrate, or you 11 be backing into something.” CONFUSING. A man walked into the Bank of England and, addressing one of the clerks, said, bcuse me, guv’nor, but I wants ter talk ter someone abaht a bit o’ AVar Loan what I ve got.” “Certainly,” replied the clerk. “You can go to the conversion office, where you can get conversion; or if you don’t care lor that you can have redemption.” „ r, Look ’ ere ’ guv’nor,” the man exploded. 1 ve come ’ere to talk abaht my bit o’ money, not to get religion.” A BISON.

A man in a club was relating how his brother, who had gone to Canada on a hunting trip, had been seriously injured by a bison. One of the less cultured members looked up with interest. “Go on,’- he said, “ ’oo threw it at ’im ? ” SO THAT IS TRIPE? A lady entered a butcher’s shop with her little daughter. Some tripe was displayed in a dish on the counter, and the little girl asked what it was. “Tripe,” re Pli.c<l her mother. ‘ That’s funny, mummy,” said the child, “daddy says that's what we getover the radio.” SHIVER OUR TIMBERS! Give me an old Nor’westcr, Witli hailstones by the peck, A drivng sleet, beneath my feet The toss of an icy deck. Put me aloft in the blizzard, A-furling a frozen sail, I’ll bare with zest my manly chest To the teeth of the icy gale. This is the life for mt, boys! The life of a sailor, oh?— I live it eke three times a week In a good, warm picture show. MASTERS AND MAID. The lady of the house was showing the new maid round and enlightening her in regard to various duties. At last they reached the library. “ These,” said the mistress of the house, pausing before a row of paintings, “are very valuable. You must be very careful when dusting. They are old masters.” A look of wonder overspread the maid’s “Why, mum!” she gaspod, "Who’d ever have thought a young lady like you had been married all these times!” DRUNK IN THREE LETTERS. " Why are you crying, little man. ” said anold gentleman to a small boy. 1' ather thrashed me for doing a crossword puzzle!” “Good gracious! Why?” “Well, sir, one clue was a word of three letters meaning what is drunk every afternoon—an’ I put ‘dad!’”

IN THE SAME BOAT. It was little Timothy’s first day at school. Shortly after the opening of the first lesson he walked up to the school teacher’s desk and said:— “ I ain’t got no pencil.” The teacher, with a shocked expression on her face, said: “ Oh, Timothy, I haven’t a pencil!” A sympathetic look crossed the small boy’s face, and he replied: “Ye ain’t either? Well, we’re both in the same fix, ain’t we. ” ALL THAT MATTERED. A doctor was addressing some school children on the subject of elementary health safeguards. “ Especially must you take care not to get wet feet,” he said. “ I have a younger brother who got soaked while skating some months ago and is still ill in consequence. Now, are there any questions? ” One small boy rose. “ If you please, sir,” he said, “ is anyone using your brother’s skates at present? ” DISCRETION. She was most anxious to find out where her husband was, so she rang up the club to which he belonged the other night. “ Is my husband there ? ” she asked the hall porter. “ No, madam.” ‘ But I haven’t even told you my name,” said the astonished lady. “ That’s all right, madam,” said the discreet porter, “ nobody’s husband is ever here.” REAL IRISH. Bill Jones had worked for the same company for 40 years, and at last he decided to resign. The firm, in consideration of his long and faithful service, arranged to give him a monetary recognition. The foreman of the company, an Irishman, was therefore asked to make the presentation. The Irishman had been advised to use a little light sentiment in his speech. This is how he did it. “Bill Jones,” he said, “ye haf worked for the old firm for forty years.”“Yes,” came from Bill. “ And ye’re going to leave us,” went on the Irishman. “ Yes,” came the reply. “Well, Bill,” went on the other, “the firm’s so glad of it that they asked me to present ye with fifty pounds.” SUITED TWO FAMILIES. Little Tommy hurried into class five minutes after the other school children had taken their places. “ Tommy,” cried the teacher, “ why are you late? ” “Please, miss,” panted Tommy, “the alarm clock didn’t go off.” “ Oh,” she replied, rather doubtfully, ‘and what manner of clock is it?” “ That I don’t know,” came Tommy’s answer. “ You see, the people upstairs have it.” LIVE AND LEARN. An old-fashioned man, not very well versed in etiquette, visited his son at college one day. There he was invited to attend a formal dinner. When coffee was served he poured the hot coffee from the cup into the saucer. “Why do you do that, father?” asked the boy. The old man answered: “You go to college and don’t even know that? Why, I do it to cool the coffee.” SOMEWHAT AWKWARD. Mrs Jopling-Rowe, the artist, knew every member of the literary and artistic fraternities in her time (says a writer in an exchange), She told me this rather pathetic story of the famous George Augustus Sala. About the time when Mrs Jopling-Rowe had remarried, she went to call on Sala, who was then very ill and cloudy of mind. “ Who did you say you were, iny dear. ”he asked. “ Louise jopling,” she replied. “Ah, yes,” lie said eagerly, and, leaning forward confidentially, he whispered, “ They tell me she's married again.” NOT APPRECIATED. Little Ronnie, aged six, had fallen down in the street. An old lady happened to be near him at the time. Seeing that tears were not faraway, she hurried forward and helped to raise him. ‘.‘Upsy daisy!” she exclaimed. Ronnie glared back at her ungratefully. “Upsy daisy be blowed!” he replied. “ I’ve hurt myself.” A SIMILAR CASE. A well-known Royal Academician, who one day noticed a drawing of a fish by a pavement artist, asked the man what sort of a fish it was supposed to be. “A shark, sir,” replied the artist. The R.A. laughed contemptuously. “ But you’ve never seen a shark,” he said. The artist nodded. “That’s true, sir,” he aid, “but then, don’t sonic of those Academy chaps paint angels? ”

TAKEN LITERALLY. Vicar’s Wife: “ We’re having a meeting of the Anti-Litter Society in the hafi next Thursday, Mr Turmuts; I hope you will come.” “ No, I don’t ’old with them new-fangled ideas. I don’t want no birth control for my pigs.” HIS CONTRIBUTION. Hostess: Now, doctor, all the other guests have given proof of their talents, so we expect an-item from you. Doctor: Very well. I will feel the pulse of every guest present. HIS ONLY OBJECTION. Have you anything to say before sentence is passed?” inquired the judge of the convicted burglar. “ The only thing I’m kicking about,” replied the burglar, glaring with open scorn at the chief witness against him. “ is being identified by a man that kept is ’ead under the bedclothes the ’ole time I was in the room.”

PRICELESS PRAYER. In her volume of reminiscences, Twenty Years of My Life,” Mrs JoplingRowe tells a story of her husband, Joe Jopling, who was not only a clever watercolour artist but a sufficiently good prizeshot to win the Queen’s Prize at Wimbledon. A friend of Mr Jopling’s, a clergyman, was with him when he made the bull’s-eye that gave him the coveted prize. “ How on ’ earth did you manage to do that? ” exclaimed the clergyman delightedly. “ Oh,” said Mr Jopling, “ I shut my eyes and prayed like hell.” PREVENTION BBETTER THAN CURE. The vicar thought the squire ought to set a better example to the parish by attending church more frequently. It was a delicate matter, but the parson tackled it courageously. “ Well,” replied the squire, “ I stay away from church out of respect for you, parson.” “That,” said the clergyman, “ is a strange statement."’ “ Not at all. If I came to church the rest of the congregation would be poaching over my land.” MISTAKEN IDENTITY. “ Oh, George!” cried the distracted wife, cook has left us!” “But why?” he asked anxiously. His wife wiped a tear from her eye. “ She said it was your fault,” came the reply. “ She left because you were rude to her on the telephone to-day.” “The cook? Heavens!” exploded hubby. The squire was very anxious to purchase “ I thought it was you I was talking to.” YES, LET’S! ■ a pedigree fox-terrier pup. He offered the breeder four pounds for the dog. The breeder was in a quandary. He did not consider four pounds enough, but he hated to “have words” with the squire. He said: “ I can’t do it, sir. The missis is fond of him, and her Jieart would bleed if we lost him.” There was a pause, and then he added. “ But what d’ye say, sir, if we make it a fiver and let ’er bleed? ” QUITE DIFFERENT. Little Betty gazed at her reflection in the mirror. “That’s me!” she said cheerfully. “ No, Betty, you should say, “ That is I, corrected her mother. “Well,” answered Betty, emphatically, after another glance at the mirror, “it may look ‘ I ’ to you, but it looks like me to me!” A REAL SCARE. The farmer from the next village was boasting about the effectiveness of his new scarecrow.

“Since I put it up,” he said, “no bird has ventured within half a mile of the field. You fellows can’t beat that.” The “ locals,” however, were not to be outdone.

“I can beat it-” announced old Farmer Roberts. “ Last week I put up a scarecrow in my potato field which frightened the birds so much that one of them brought back two spuds it had stolen.” NOT WARNED. The Smiths were on the balcony and could hear what a young couple were saying in the garden below. Mrs Smith: I think he wants to propose. We ought not to listen. Whistle to him. Mr Smith: Why should I? Nobody whistled to warn me. ■ THE BOSS. Murmuring, “ I’ll teach her who’s boss,” the little man pushed open his gate, and, after knocking on the front door, gained admittance to his home. Almost immediately sounds of conflict came from behind the closed door. Presently the door opened again, and the little man, no longer aggressive, flew down the front steps, propelled by an arm that closely resembled a shoulder of mutton. Picking himself up, he scowled at the owner of the hefty form: “I’ll teach her who's boss.” he murmured, “ but she’s going to take a lot of teaching.” JUST THE THING. Cavalry Recruit (about to take his first lesson in horsemanship): Sergeant, pick me out a nice gentle horse. Sergeant: Have you ever ridden a horse before. Recruit: No. Sergeant: Ah! Here’s just the animal for you. Never been ridden before. You can start out together. REPLACE THE TURF. A golfing beginner was playing over a celebrated course. Going to one hole, he essayed a niblick shot which displaced a very large piece of turf. The player immediately picked up the divot and put it in his pocket. “We ’ave to replace the turf, sir,” reproached the caddie. “Not this piece,” said the tyro firmly. “As a matter of fact a friend of mine asked inc to let him know what this course is like, so I’m posting him this chunk to-niglit?’ GIFTS ACCEPTED. Dusty Rhodes, the knight of the highway, stopped at a wayside cottage. “ Believe me or believe me not. ma’am,” he said to the doubting woman, “ I’m not really a tramp.” “ What are you, then ? ” she asked. “I’m doing this walking round the countfy for a series of prizes.” “And what are they?” she asked, still on her guard. “Anyone who wishes to contribute a ham sandwich may do so,” said Dusty. IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. The two young maidens were talking over affairs of the heart. “ Betty,” asked Maisie, " do you intend to accfept Eric? ” “That all depends on circumstances,” Betty slowly replied. “What circumstances? ” asked her companion. “■Why, his, of course, Maisie,” laughed the other. “

POOR LITTLE BILL. A velvet suit is quite all right, For little girls to wear. But when they dress a fellow up It really isn’t fair! —lrene Heath, in Women’s Weekly. SOMEWHAT IRISH. Talking about parents and sons, do you know the story of the Irish father who in congratulating the young ’un upon, reaching his seventeenth birthday, remarked, “ How wonderful it must be to be seventeen with all your past still in front of ye!” SHATTERED DREAMS. The ardent young suitor drew his girl’s young brother aside. “Jimmy,” he said, “how would you like to earn some pocket money for yourself? ” “Love to,” came from the youth. “ What do you want me to do?” “ Well,” said the lover, lowering his voice, “ I’ll give you sixpence if you can get me a lock of your sister’s hair.” “Easy," replied Jimmy. “And if you gimme a shilling I’ll get you the wig.” SOMEWHAT AMBIGUOUS. “ I notice in this morning’s paper that you have a vacancy for a typist and bookkeeper, either lady or gentleman. As I have -been both for the last five years I beg to applj r for the position." THE DEVOURING YEARS. Grandpa, an old warrior who had fought in the South African wars, was relating some thrilling yarns to his young nephew. “It must be getting on for 30 years now,”. he told the bo.y, “ when a bullet last grazed my head.” The youngster smiled as he gazed up at the old fellow’s bald head. “ There isn’t much grazing left now, is there, grandpa? ” he ventured. SHE KNEW. Mrs Waite called unexpectedly at her husband’s office and found that he had gone out for the day. “ You say Mr Waite is out,” she said to the new office boy. “Do you know where he has gone? ” “ I don’t know, ma’am,” replied the youth. “How tiresome!” she went on. “Perhaps his secretary could tell me!” “ She certainly could,” shot back the office boy. “ She’s gone with him.”