On the Rest of Humour

Otago Witness, Issue 4029, 2 June 1931, Page 5

On the Rest of Humour

(Copyright.——For the Otago Witness.)

CONVERSATIONS OF THE HOUR.

By

STEPHEN LEACOCK.

The Dean of the Faculty standing at the head of the luncheon table, concluded his speech of welcome to the visiting professors. “Every department of ► intellectual endeavour is represented here,” he said. “ Never have there been as many problems of intellectual importance to consider.” Then he sat down and added, “ I see that Universal Nickel has risen five points this morning.” . “Five points!” exclaimed the world authority upon anthropology, gently nagging his flowing beard. “Is it possible? ” “ Fve points,” repeated the Dean, “ and seven points yesterday. I noticed them putting it up on the board during our meeting this morning—just after chapel.” “ I’m glad to know you’re in nickel, Dean,” said the visiting professor of classical languages. “I was,” said the Dean-sadly. “Unfortunately, I am not, now. I sold out —sold out, I am sorry to say, on a hint from the professor of ethics.”

“ You were quite wrong,” said the .other, shaking his head. “ I fear the professor of ethics lacks confidence in these things. And after all, without confidence what can we do? What security can we find in which to trust unless we bring to bear belief and and confidence? ” “ I admit it,” said the Dean, “ and I can only say that what has happened will be a lesson to me for all my life : —a lesson in belief and purpose. And it is not the first time,” he added, sadly. “ Perhaps you will hardly believe it, but I was in British Breweries at thirteen shillings and sold out ■” “British Breweries at thirteen!” exclaimed several guests. “ Was it ever as low as that? ” “ Lower,” said the Dean. “ I had a tip from a lady member of the faculty to get into it at ten shillings, and then was silly enough to sell at thirteen. Perhaps,” he continued morunfully, “ for a man of my temperament and profession it would be better to turn to other things altogether, and to devote anything I have to those gilt-edged, gold-bearing bonds which do not readily deteriorate or pass away.” There was a little silence among the luncheon guests, and then the Dean’s questioner turned—perhaps with a view of sparing the Dean embarrassment —to another guest, whose reputation in the geological field in China was second to none in the world. “ And how are things in China ? ” he asked. “ None too good, I am afraid.” “ None too good,” repeated the geologist, “ and I fear going from bad to worse. Pekinese Municipal Bonds have fallen to a mere fraction, and even the Shanghied Foreign Loan is practically unsaleable. Our work of twenty' years . is being undone.” “ Is it the same all over the country ? ” asked the guest. “ I fear so. They tell me there is scarcely a corporate security in China on which one could pin one’s confidence. In fact, over the whole field in which I have worked I see no opportunity for investment whatever. If a young man

were anxous to come out now', I should tell him at least to wait until a stable gold currency had restored some basis of confidence.” ¥ ¥ ¥ And a little after that some of the company rose, and the Dean also excused himself, saying: x “I, too, must hurry long. I have a visit to make. The widow of our late President—a dear old lady, such a sweet soul—some days she is so well and other days suffers so much. This morning her granddaughter had sent me word that she is quite herself, and so happy, and that I must come over to see her.” ¥ ¥ ¥ When the Dean reached his destination, he was received in the drawing room by a pretty young girl, who rose from beside—from very close beside—a young man to greet him.

“How do you do, Dean,” she said. “I am so glad you’ve come. Grandmamma is feeling so well to-day, and looking forward to seeing you. Won’t you come right up to her room? ”

In the room upstairs there sat very upright in a chair an old lady whose animated expression and whose bright eyes behind her spectacles seemed to remove a couple of decades from her eighty years. “I’m so glad to see you so well,” murmured the Dean as he bent over her hand. “Well! ” chuckled the old lady, “I should say so, indeed! And I ought to feel well. I’ve just made a regular clean-up! ” “A clean-up.” said the Dean, rubbing his hands. “Ah, yes, house-cleaning ahead! ” “ House-cleaning, your eye! ” said the dear old lady. “ I mean a clean-up on the Curb, in zinc. I had a hunch that Coagulated Zinc was going to take a big boost, and I just went the limit on it.” “Ah, I understand,” said the Dean. “Do let me congratulate you on your good luck. You are most fortunate ” “ Good luck! ” protested the old lady. “ Where do you get that good luck luck ’ stuff ? I don’t see any good luck about it. I just had a hunch it was A 1, and had the gizzard to hang on to it when most of the bunch were dropping out.” “ True, true,” murmured the Dean, contritely. “The gizzard, as you say, the gizzard. In short, you had confidence ” “ Exactly, confidence. But still 1 didn’t get you here to tell you about zinc on the curb market. I want to speak to you about something much more serious. I.' want to ask you whether you can tell me anything about Lght and Power.” > The Dean shook his head. “ One knows so little,” he said. “ I shouldn’t dare to advise. There is always, of course, the demand for light ” Again he shook his head.

“Well,-never mind it then,” said the old lady. “If you can’t tell me that, tell me anything you can about alcohol ”

And with that the conversation passed into the discussion of the latest details of production. Meantime, downstairs in the drawing room, the two lovers—for, of ccourse, they were lovers—were sitting closer than ever together on the sofa. And the young man, after clearing his throat ineffectually several times, was at last saying: “ There is something, Alice, that I am going to tell you this morning. Something I’ve been hoping to tell you for quite a long time, and couldn’t- - “ Perhaps I can guess it,” the girl murmured. “Alice,” he said, as he took her hand, “it is this: Rubber has gone up! ” “ Oh, Charlie,” cried the girl rapturously. “ Rubber gone up, at last! How wonderful! ” “ I always said it would, yon know,” the young man went on. “I know, Charlie, I know you did. And I thought so too. Only at times I couldn’t help feeling a little doubtful. It seemed to me that the company was carrying an overhead that was bound to eat up any current surplus and leave nothing for the amortisation of the capital indebtedness.” “ Nonsense, darling,” said the young man. “Do you realise that our present current receipts in one month will take care of the overhead for a year? ” “ Isn’t it wonderful,” said the girl. “ And it means more than that. It means, Alice, that now there is nothing to stop us. We can be married, darling, just as soon as you will name the day.” “Oh, Charlie!” on went Alice, and then half-blushingly she added, “ and listen, dear. Good things never come singly, it seems. Do you know that Grandmamma has just made a terrific clean-up in Coagulated Zinc, and she says that on the day we are married she is going to hand us out a whole block of Zinc! ” “ Oh, Alice,” said the young man. “ Isn’t life wonderful! ” ¥ ¥ ¥ And when you come to think of if., my dear reader, life at the close of the third decade of the twentieth century certainly has far more zip to it than life under the third dynasty of Raineses.