FUN AND FRANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2896, 15 September 1909, Page 70

FUN AND FRANCY.

«- The Beggar: "Sir, 1 -Was not always lie this." The Victim: "No^last week you were lame in the other leg." — A teacher asked his class, "What Is a ■emi-oirole? " and ifo& smart boy replied : J **A straight line caught bending." I — "Do you think bee stings cure rheumatism?" — "No," answered Grandfather Stubbs, " but they're mighty likely to make you forget you've got it»" — " And did you enjoy your African, trip, major? How did you like the savages? "— i " Oh, they were extremely kind-hearted \ They wanted to keep me there for dinner." — " Tommy," said the teacher of tie juvenile class, "wihen water becomes ice what is the great change that takes place?"— ; *' The change in price," replied Tommy. | — Housemaid. " Please, sir, wiU you come at once? The dSroring room's on fire." Master: "Well, go and tell your mistress. ■ Sou know I never interfere in household ; matters." i — "Do you grow anything woriib. while in your gardtea?" asked ifee visitor from , the city. — " I should cay so," answered ihe ' villager; "if* the best place for fishing worms in the j>lace." ! — " When I married you yon promised , to reform and make yourself thoroughly jwortby of .me."— "¥es, and Jfche result is I overdid it,' and made- myself a good deal better than you desenteJ" j — " And who is this? " asked Aunt Clara, ! pointing to the picture of a. chubby child in skirts. "That," said Eobby, who had been wearing knickerbockers for some time, " is me wihett I was a girl." — " When are you going to pay me for | •those wigs you had from me two years ago?" asked an anxioos stage costumier. ""Laddie," replied the man of tragedy, • "I'm an aotor, not a prophet." — Unsophisticated Coott: "If you please, mum, tho batcher says i shall get 5 per I Dent, on all the ©rdare 1 give him. What , does that mean?" Mistress: "It means, j Mary, that -we shall have & new butcher." ; — Disappointed Reporter: "But don't you think the article would do if I boiled it , 'down?" Kditor: "No, I am quite sure it j wouldn't; but I should try the action of leat on it in another way if I were you." j —An earnest young preacher in a re- • mote country village concluded a long and • comprehensive supplication by saying: j " Aod now let us pray far those whe^ axe 'dwelling in the uninhabited portions of the , earth." I —Mr Billons (fiercely) : " I owe you a ] grudge, Mr Wilkins — & grudge, sir ; remenv be*r that ! " Mr Wilkins (coolly) : "Oh, I that's nothing. I shan't be alarmed, for I never knew you to (pajy anything you : owed I " . I — " Yua, Bill, mark my wor-ds, the thing ■wofs goin' to make England is tariff reform — on' no mistake." — "Wot Be tariff reform, 'Enery? "—"" — " Why, tariff! reform is — cr — well, it's — cr — what they tells yer at •the meetings." ' j — Buxom Widow : "Do you understand the language of flowers, Dr Crusty ? " Dr. . Crusty (an old bachelor) : " Nd, ma'am." (Widow : " You don't know if yellow means jealousy?" Dr Crusty: t*'No, ma'am; yellow means biliousness." — " Yes," he said, " I am up to my neck in debt, but it's my misfortune, not my fault." — " Your misfortune? "—"" — " Yes. You ccc, I have a faculty for snaking such an , excellent impression upon people that they '' etill persist in trusting me." — "You should strive to appeal to th© imagination and the human interest of your .pupils," said tho principal of a Yorkshire j eohooJ. "I do," answered the teacher, | " bi*t it is very ihard to convince the boys that Hector and Achilles were as great men i t* Abodes and Hirst." I — The Bridegroom : " Would you mind if I went into «, smoking compartment, dear? " j lim Bride : " What ! to smoke? " The j Bridegroom : " Oh, dear, no. I want to exparience the agony of being away from j yoxx so tliat the joy of my return will be *l\ the more intensified." '• — Swiveller: "Speaking of Smallweed, I consider him the most modest, unassuming man I over met in all my life." Quilp : j " Then he doesn't think too much of him- i self?" Swiveller: "Not at all; not a bit ccnosited, though he admits that any other man possessed of his abilities would be." — " You never read the weather predictions? " — "No," answered the farmer, "I; «kip them for twa reasons. One is there's u-ae use o' worryin' aboot wlhit y' canna telp, an' the ither is that y' never can rely on a prophecy till efter it's come true, «.n' then it's ower late tae mak' ony difference." — "So you are going to marry Watson?" asks the erstwhile suitor. '" I am," replies the beauteous creature. " 1 don't see how — pardon me for being so frank — I don't see Stow you can admire him at all. He is so insufferably conceited. *' — " Well, if you were engaged to me it would make you insufferably conceited yourself." — "Is not this work almost too much for you, friend?" asked the new vicar. "You must be a grear "age." — "Yeesir, yessir!" mumbled the old b&llringer. '"Ow many years I've tolled this bell 1 can't tell ye, tout it's beginning to tell on me. 'Owsomeever, I've rung the bell for five dead vicars " — "Dear me!" ejaculated the clergyman. " And,*' continued the sexton. " I'll be happy wihen I've made up the 'alf dozen ! I think I'll retire then ! " — "You 6eem to have no ambition," asserted the strenuous one. "But I have," said the indolent man ; " T intend to be rich." — "Then why don't you work— like Brown, for instance? "—" Ah," said the andolent man, " I've had my eye on him for some time. Good fellow, Brown. I like to see him piling wealth up. He's working for me."— " Working for you?" — " Yes ; he's killing himself making a fortune, and I plan to get it by marrying his widow." — A well-known county court judge tells a story about tbe 'cross-examination of a badtempered woman in his court. She was an 'Amazonian person. Her husband, obviously the weaker vessel, eat sheepishly listening. The opposing counsel pressed a certain question rather urgently, and she said angrily, " You needn't thinS to catoh me. You tried that once before." The barrister said : " Madam, I have not the slightest desire to catch you ; and your husband looks as if he wea-e sorry he did." — A servant asked her mistress For leave from Friday to Monday to visit her mother a long journey away, as all the family desired to meet to celebrate their parents' golden wedding. The mistress gave permission, and on -Monday the makl duly

returned, and her mistress said to her: " Well, Mary, how did you get on? " — " Oh, splendid, ma'am, and mother was co grateful to you for letting me go." — " Y>es, and your father — what <did he 6ay ?" — "Lor' bless you, ma'am, be wasn't there; he died 20 years, ago ! " —In a certain Yeomanry regiment there was a private of very small stature, who to make himself look as big as the rest had a very tall horse.- It was well known that Private Johnson could not mount unassisted, so there was great amusement when on© day they Eeard the order, "Private Johnson, dismount ! " Private Johnson gave no sign. Again the ordei was given, with a like result. A third time the captain gave the order : *' Private Johnson, dismount ! " but the little private could keep patience no longer, and fairly roared out : " Don't be a fool, captain ; you know I can't get on again." — A lady from the country once came "up to see the British Museum, and an official undertook to show her round. After much walking through the galleries tbe official was disappointed to find that none of the wonders created any astonishment or even interest. •In due time, however, they descended to the great Nineveh gallery, which was tben warmed by two large fires. As they walked among lihe monsters there oame at last a look of real interest and pleasure into the lady's face. The official, looking Totmd, kindly «aid : "If yvo. , will tell me what interests you I will explain all about it."— "Oh," said <£ha lady, "I should so Hke to know wiwt blackJead they use for those fireplaces! "