FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2815, 26 February 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

—If a man wants to convince his wife that he is a genius ho must do it during: courtship. — Sunday School Teacher. — "What are heathens?"' Bright Boy: "Heathens are people what don't quarrel over religions." — A wife may pay little attention to her husband's remarks in general, but she's more than attentive when he talks in his sleep. "^ — Ma: "Johnny got home from school an hour earlier than usual to-day." Pa: "Why, was he sent away?" Ma: "No, he just wasn't kept in." — Ziggsby: "There goes the fellow who whistdes a* danger." Perl&by: "Ah, he must be a very brave fellow,. Who is he?" Ziggsby: "A locomotive driver." — The Only Way.— "My poSt boy!" exclaimed a tender-hearted old lady. , "Why do you cry Jike that?" " 'Cos I don't knowno other way to cry !" was the' retort. —"I say!" shouted a man to the telephone exchange, "are you aware that I've been at the 'phone for nearly ten minuter?" "I've been here all^ay !'*• replied a gentle voice. • - 1 ' » — First JRat: "What are you doing for a living?" Second Rat: "Oh, I'm running a night school — teaching youngsters how > to eat ,the cheese off a hook*without springing +he trap." " — "So you wish to marry my daughter, said a sentimental, father — "my little stirl — the light of my eyes— my prize— my Ireasure " "Stop!" cried the alarmed suitor. "I only want one !" — Teacher: "Who was if supported the world upon his shofHders?" ' Tommy : "Atlas, sir." Teacher: "Who supported Atlas?" Tommy: "The book don't say; but I 'spect his wife did !" — Sportsman : "Is there anything to shoot up here, my boy?" Schoolboy (with the afternoon's chastisement still fresh in his memory) : "Yes, sir ; there's the schoolmaster coming over the hill." — "And now, sir," said the fortune-teller, "you must beware of a tall, fair-dxaired lady, with blue eyes " "And a blue dress and white hat?" continued her victim. "Yes, yes, I know ; she's my wife. — '"Itic most extraordinary thing about him is that he always attaches imiportance to the meet insignificant things."— "Yes, that is plain to be seen. If it were not so, how cUe couJd he have such an opinion ->f himself?" , „. , , ,„, 'Oh, do look &t that dear little lambi said Frances, on teeing a young lamb fo>ibhe first time in her life. "Isn't it pretty? aske-3 mamma. "Yes, and it is so natural, too. It squeaks just Jiike a togr lamb, and has the saSae kind oi wool." — Not That Way.— "Have you ever been committed to prison?" demanded a magistrate of a prisoner. "No, your honorhonestly, never !" "Of course you haven t honestly! Few men get there that way!" was the ready retort of the magistrate. . — Artist: "Among my dearest treasures is the watcih my father carried when hewta a y©unsr men." Bright: '^ould you mind letting me see it?" Antist: "Certainly not ; but it is temporarily .in the possession of my— er^father's brother. — "Does your wife take any , interest in current polities?" asked the earnest woman. "No," replied Mr Farmon, "she don't. But if it's currant jelly or currant roly-.poly, why," I believe she could, tell you more things about 'em tshan you ever dreamt '_ Men have reason to dread 1 nimfoletongued women. A certain clever authoress was once asked by a writer of the .opposite sex who is not remarkable for civility : "Wouldn't you iike to be a man?" To j this the lady readily replied, "Wouldn t y °— Looking After Itself.— Mistress: "Did you remember to feed the cat every day j during my absence?" Servant: "Every day but one, ma'am." Mistress: "And didn t the poor thing have anything to eat all day?" Servant: "Oh, yes, ma'am. She ate the canary !" - - , . — Country Cousin: "I want some photos taken, please." Photographer: "Yes. sir, certainly. Sit down, eir. What will you have, carte or cabinet?" Country Cousin: i "Well, I don't want either a cart or a cab I in it; I want an up-to-date picture; so please put in a motor-oar I" — Two youths eait one night discussing first one thing and the other, and at last the talk veered to the/Bea. One youth said: "How is it that the sea does n«*_ru n over if all the rivers run into it? ' Well, t'nou's. a thick head ! Don't you. know that ; the sea is -full of spongee?" — A cynical '-man ■buried his -wife a .few 'days 'back in. grand style. His amos* intimate friend asked why he had emended such a lavish sum on her funeral. W4ping a salt anvber drop from Ms- leift optic, the widower sighed, "She would ihave done as much for me with pleasure, dear boy." — "A doctor iras examining »poor woman patient in a hospital in which the : dietary did not err on ihe side of extravagance. "Do you. expectorate much, my 1 good woman?" asked Hbe doctor. "Well, doctor," was the reply, "I don't expeat t arte much, but I can ate all I «et here. — "Isn't it dreadM?" exclaimed a young wife. "I see bhere was a woman arrested yesterday for horsewhipping her husband in the street f" "The police were quite right," rejoined the strong-minded Jady whom she was addressing ; I'these painful duties should be performed in the privacy of tihe home." • ... — "Why do you insist on returning that man to Parliament? He never does «tny T thing." "No," answered Farmer Corntossel. . "He never gets y into trouble himself, nor sfcarts argumenls that tempt folks ' around here to Mop their work ah. git excited over ipolitics. He's what w,e "#.ll safe an' sane." ~" —"I wish I where my. husband was," remarked a lady whose arouse was irregular in his (home-coming^ *ou mean, I presume," responded her precise ifodend, "that you wish you knew where your husband- is?" "No, I don't," was the retort. "I know where he is. He's up in his bedroom sleeping off a headache. I want to know where he was." *-A newly-appointed crier in a county ■court in Australia, was ordered by the judge to summon a witness to the stand. "Call for Ah Bong, was the. command. He was puzried for «. moment. He elanoed shyly at iite judge, but found 'him a* grave as an undertaker- Then, turning to the spectators, ko Wandly simpered: "Gentlemen,* ■would any of you favour ~hie worship with a eong?" —A. servant girl, ,vrSo had Been through ge miU before, #m being cross-examined c monnnjc after her new engagement. her ffifcSreaeL "And did- jour last

oor woman

Fawner Corn-

husband

mietres; assist you in cooking, Maggie?** "Well, aye, in '» way she did," admitted Maggie. "How did sho do it, now?" asked her mistres. "By stoppin' oor o1o 1 the kitchen, mem," was Maggie's retort, and the mistress gracefully retired. — Mark Twain says the only introduction to a literary audience that he ever had that seemed 4o him the right word in the rjght place, a reai inspiration, was as follows: 'Ladies and' Gentlemen,— l shall not waste any unnecessary time in the introduction. I don't know anything about this rrran— at least, I only know two tl.dngs about him— one is that he has never been in prison, and the other is, I can't see why he hasn t.'

— Tho Unexpected.— Two young ladies entered a tramcar and found only stand-ing-room. "I'm going to get a seat," said one to her companion; "now, you see!" Selecting a sedate-looking gentleman, she walked up to him. "My dear Mr Green!" ebe exclaimed. "How delightful lam to meet you ! You are a-lmost a stranger. Will I accept your seat? Well, I do feel tired I admit. Thank you so much !" The man rose. "Sit down* Jane, my girl," said he as be courteously pointed to the vacant seat. "Don't often see you out on a. washing day. You must feel tired, I'm sure. " How's your mistress?"

—An eccentric ,peer, a oharacter m hisway, discovered a. thief in his house. Aided by the butler, he secured the man, and then rang the bell. On a servant answering , the summons his lordship requested fcim to "go inrfco the kitchen and " bring up a policeman or two." The servant returned with the report that there were no poKcemen on "the premises. "What!", exclaimed his master. "Do you mean tp tell me that with a cook, a kitchen-, maid, two scullerymaids, and three house. maid 3 in my employ there is no constable in my kitchen? The days of miracles are still with us ! Our prisoner shall reap the benefit; let the man go free!"

— A writer on the instinct of insects relates: "I found a cockroach struggling in m. bowl of water. I took half a. walnut -shell for a boat; I put him into it, and gave him two wooden (toothpicks for oars and left him. The next morning I visited him, and found' 'that he had put a piece of white cotton" thread on one of the toothpicks tnd set the toothpick on end as a signal of distress. He had a hair on the otter toothpick, and there that cockroach had sat a-fishing until, exhausted, he had fallen asleep. Tihe sigfrt melted me to tears. I took the cockroach out, gave him a spoonful of gruel,_ and left. The animal never forgot my kindness, and now my house is" chock-full of cockroaches !"