FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2814, 19 February 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

— Achice is cheap until we Login to follow it. — The most influential woman's Dlub is the rcliing-pin. ' — ■ Wealth may not bring happiness, bub it certainly helps. —Nc alarm clock is required to arouse a man's suspicions. — The efforts of h. vain girl to look pretty are very often \ai'i. — Goo<l foitunc nearly always finds men in a re<cpthe mood. —Ws sted opportunities are those which go to tho w rong people. — Experience .8 the cream of life, which ago too frequently sours. — Cupid shoots his arrow, but the victim only feels the quiver. — The more a man wants to borrow, the more he sha] es your hand. — The man who realises his foolishness has a certain amaunt of wi«dom. ' — '"A'l the world's a stage," and moat of tV.e people on it aie bad actors. — While some m^n outlive their usefulness, others are born without any. — The Oulonel : "Do you believe in dreams/" Little Jones: "No. I married one '' — "Are there any talking-machines in this flat?"— " Six of them — four married and two single !" — -.She (indignantlj) : "You had no business to kiss me!" Ho: "But it wasn't business ; it was pleasure." — "Most of young Rimer's poetry is pathetir, isn't it?"' — "Well, that's what he calls it : but the edito v soys it's piinful." Oreen : "You often hear of the river falling, but it never seems to hurt itself."' Browno: "Well, you see, it always falls on ata bed." "'Where is your automobi'e department?"' asked the man entering the big department store "Follow your nose," replied the clerk near the door. — "MrsSvmes always reminds me of a gardener." — "Don't be unkind"; she's a widow now." — "Just so — and trying to get rid of her weeds." — Husband : "My colleague is the most insatiable man I ever saw. He wants everything he sees." Wife: "CaJi't you introduce our daughter to him?" — '"Did you hear about the defacement of Skinner's tombstone 7 " — "Xo. What was it?" — "Someone added the word 'friends' to his epitaph, 'He did his best ' " — "Look here," said the London cabby to his fare, who had handed him a shilling, "do get in again, guv-nor. You can go a yard or two further for this sum." — Molly : "When you spoke to father did you tell him you had £50 in the bank?" George: "Yes." Molly : "And what did he say.'" George: "He borrowed it." — Teacher: "Of what profession is your f a-ther ?" Scholar. "Am I obliged to tell you?" T<?acher : "Certainly!" Scholar: "Pie's the bearded lady in a show." — All She Wanted —Mrs Muggerty (a habitua! borrowar) : "Shme, Mrs O'Fudga, it's mcelf fhot hateb to throuble yez, but could yez loan tic the yolk ay an eggV — Timid Lady : "Is vonr do? dangerous, my little man"'" Little Man: "Xo, ma'am. If he shoulcT happen to bite yer once or twice, don't mind 'im ; he's just playin' !" — Prestidigitator (during his grand goldpiece act) : "I could take twenty-dollar gold pieces from your pocket all night " Seedy Tndivdual : "Go ahead, pard. I'll give ye half." — Husband (on his wedding tour) : "I want rooms for myself and wife." Hotel Clerk: "Suite?" Husband: "Of course she is — perfectly lovely ; the sweetest girl in tile world." — What It May Ccme To. — "I say. rr.-y iad, don't -sou get punished for being naughty?" — "Xo. father a,nd mother are both lav yer 1 !. and they cau't agree on the punishr-ent." — "I maj tell \ou. my boy, that, arthougli my daughter is well educated, 6h« cannot cook." — "That doesn't matter much, so long as she doesn't try !" replied the future son-in-law. — "Wcn't you sing something, Mias Muriel?" — "Oh, I daren't after such good music as we have been listening to." — "But I'd rather listen to your singing than to any amount of good music." — A Sad Case — "How is your husband, Mrs Brown?'" asked the wife of a country vicar. "Porely, ma'am, thankye ! 'E wor (?itten along nicely, but naow doctor says 'c 'as got the convalescence !" — Two's company — "If I was to propose going irside and haffing a trink, what would you saw Touaall?" remarked one "Hielander" to another. "I would coincide with you, Tonald !" was the ready reply. — "Yes." boasted a dissipated cosmopolitan, "I've been in a good many tight places in my life." "Tight places." mused an acquaintance. ''That's a new name 'or them." — "A new name for what?" — ''Publichouses." — Second Childhood. — "Did your grandfather li\e to a green old age?" was the query put by a girl to a young fe'iow. "AY ell, I should think <o ! He «'as swindled ] three times after he was seventy!" replied her sweetheart. — Wife : That lassie Joan i« five-and twentj. Slip ought to be marrjed." Hubby: "Oh. she has plenty of time. Let her wait till the right sort of man comes along "' Wife : "Not at all ! I didn't wait for the righ f sort of man !" — O'Brien : "The doctor sez what T hey is 'inoommy.' " O'Toole : "Oh. shuro Oi've had ihot throuble irrnwl' n n' there's only wan cure fur it" O'Brien: "What's thot? What d'ye do?" O'Toole: "Ju->lit z<i to sleep an' furgit all about it." — At the close of a lengthened and hitter wrangle between a judge and a prominent counsel, the former said: "Well, sir, if you do not know how to conduct yourself as a gentleman, I'm sure I can't teach you " To which the banister mildly replied, ' "Thar is so, my lord " ■ — Giics: (m r<=>--aurant) : "Brine n^e a Welsh rarebit, a broiled lobster, a botrlo of imported ale, and a piece of mince pie. ' i Waiter: "Will jou plea«e write out that I oidc- and si^n it, sir?" Guest : "What for?" Waiter: "As a sort of alibi for the housT to show tho coroner, sir." — "Let me kiss those tears away!" he begged, tenderly. She fell in his arms, and ' he was busy for the next few minutes. And yet the tears flowed on. "Can nothing ston them?" ho asked, breathlessly sad. "Xo, f> she murmured, "it's hay fever, you know But, go on with the treatment." — A man was given to boastiug of his aristocratic acquaintances. "I dined at the I Marchioness of 's last week," he said in. ' Douglas Jerrold's hearing, "and — would you credit it? — there was no fish." "Easily explained," remarked Jerrold dryly. "No i doubt f h*v had eaten it all upstair*!" I

— The Prosperous Person: "There is n<f occasion for you to envy me, my man. I have as many troubles as you." Dismal Dawson: "I dare sajr you have, mister. But the difficulty with me is that I ain't got nothing else." — Occasionally.— Employer : "Are you ad*dicted to the use of intoxicating liquors?" Applicant: "No, sir. I drink a glass of beer occasionally." Employer: "How often is occasionally?" Applicant: "Only when I am alone or with some one, sir." i 7" " H . ero > m y P°or man," said a kind old lady, "here is a shilling for you. Now 22,?* , go alld s P end in vile drink." lnank you, ma'am," answered the tramp heartily; "I'll not. I suppose you was areferring to the wretched stuff they 'as a* £«?••• y keep the right wtt — The chairman was very bald, and when he lose to open the meeting a voice cried, •G et youi 'air cut ! ' ' When the laughter subsided the chairman looked steadily in the direction of the interruption, and remarked in a mild tone, "As a magistrate I have n< doubt been the means of having that person s hair cut once or twice." The meeting pioceeded quietly after that. — lewn Visitor (to email applicant for a holiday): "What is your father?" Small Applicant : "'E's me father." T.V. : "Yes but what is he?" S.A. : "Oh! 'E's me stepfather" T.V. : "Yes, yes. But what lie c-o? Does he sweep chimneys or drive buses or what?" S.A. (with 'a dawning light of comprehension) : "0-o-w ! No, 'c ain't done nuthin' since we've 'ad 'im I" — "Where are you off to in such a hurry? —"To the doctor for my husband."—"What's up with him?"— "He tells me h© has got hepatitis, dyspepsia, rheumatism, enteritis, gastritis, appendicitis, nephritis, and cerebro-spinal meningitis." — "Holy terrors! Where did he get all that?"— " Why, a man induced him to buy a medical dictionary, and he's just begun reading it." — "You quit smoking because she asked you to?"— "Yes."— "And you quit drinknig because she asked you to?"— " Yes." — "And you quit swearing because she asked you to?" — "Yes." — "And yo\i began going into better society bee.use she asked you to?" — "Yes." — "It's a wonder to me you did not marry her."— "l had intended to, but when I had got rid of all my bad habita I found I cou 7 d do better." — The man came out of an office building on the run, and started down the street. "Here! Here!" cried tiie policeman on the corner. "What's your hurry?" "There's a man back here trying to sell me a book in. 28 weekly instalments at five shillings each !" cried the victim. The policeman inetantly released his old. "Run !" he cried. "Run for all you are worth ! May be you can got away from him yet." — "You'll have to be careful with that brute," said a steeplechase jockey to an. apprentice just before a race; "I've ridden, him before, and you'll never be able to hold him." Half-way through the race, the apprentice being in front, the jockey, fancying the other was in difficulties, cried, "Pull out and let me through. I've got the race in hand." The cra,ck was mistaken, however. Looking back with a grin the apprentice said, "I would, but I can't hoid the beggar." And he won easily. — "Yes, madam," said the salesman in the china shop, "if- you want something which will look really handsome on t;he table, I can honestly recommend this dinner service. Its prioe is certainly rather high — we cannot do it under £15 Hte — but it is one of - the best things we make." The purchaser looked at it admiringly, and considered] deeply for a while. "Yes," she said at last, "I think you can send it ; but one thing, however. I want you to do. Just labei it 'Price 40s. Imitation,' or something like that."— "Of course, madam; but, forgive me, yours is a somewhat unusual request." — "Yes, I know ; but I want to mislead our servant girl. She'll be more careful if she doesn't think it's worth anything much." —No Doubt. — "I was counsel for a railway company in the West," says a prominent New York lawyer, "in whose employ a section hand had been killed by an express train. His widow, of course, sued for damages. The principal witness 6wore positively that the locomotive whistle ha< not scunded until after the entire train had pa<«ed' over his departed friend. 'You adnvt that the whistle blew?' I sternly demanded of the witness. 'Oh, yes, it blew.' 'Now,' I added impressively, 'if that whistle sounded in time to give Morgan warning 1 the fact would be in favour of the company, wouldn't it?' 'I suppose so.' said the witness. 'Very well. Now, for what earthly purpose would the engineer blow his whistle after the man had been struck?' 'I presume,' replied the witness, with great deliberation, 'that the whistle was for th,a next man on +he track.' "