NED AT 'ONE.

NZ Truth, Issue 144, 21 March 1908, Page 4

NED AT 'ONE.

PEEPS INTO ROYALTY'S PRIVACY.

How Our Gracious Does the King Biz.

A Chronicle of Grovelsome Gush.

"Truth" has just recovered from a severe attack of nausea induced by a perusal of the first instalment of an extensive grovel to Royalty; which is promised m chapters, to a sorelyafflicted public by Wellington Times." There is a section of the British public which believes it necessary to get down on its stomach and bump its head violently on the around whenever . the King is mentioned, and there is also a snobbish j section of the community m this Dominion whose parlor-maid souls abase their owners m the dust before the j di'ead name, of Royalty and inspire a servile interest m the most commonplace doiings of "exalted" personages. King Ned, being a *man of the -.world, is reported to be a good sort, and this loyal but plainspoken newspaper would like to know just what his opinion of the crawling Jeameses who discover food for astonishment m the circumstances that his Majesty brushes his whiskers occasionally. • "Neither the Kin- the Queen, nor any member of the Royal Family," wrijbes . the Wellington worm (with instructions to the printer to put capital letters m Royal Family) "appear at breakfast at Sanclij-ingham. . ; .v . All guests are at liberty to breakfast m their own rooms if they, prefer it." This is extremely interesting, but a terrible give-away x for the Royal party, which may be as.sum.cd to have had a fatiguing time of it the. night before. The Wellington public is requested, to ._ stand 'off, with becoming awe,' and respectfully examine tlje fact that King Ned HAS BREAKFAST IN BED. "The King wears rough country suits and thick boots at Sandringham," remarks the lowly scribe* who has made the astonishing discovery that his Majesty is a human being, "and is never .without one of the great cigars that are especially his own." ' Just fancy ! "His Majesty's habit of punctuality is wellknown, and to ensure a like quality m others the clocks are always set half an hour fast." This stroke of ingenuity on the part of his Majesty will be greatly appreciated, and as the idea hasn't been patented .-it might with advantage be copied by persons of leisure hereabouts who, like the "others," are habitually half-an-hour" late for their, train. When.M s Majesty is out shooting the thing is do.ne m style. 'The party doesn't boil the billy m the "wilds" of Sandringh-am. "The' King dislikes' elaborate luncheons,"" but this fact, notwithstanding, "the portable stoye which is carried ensures the service -of hot dishes m 'perfection. Sportsmen are well looked after, and cups of hdt turtle soup, or some such sustaining edible, are served before the return to the' house." Unhappily sausages and hot pies do not figure on the menu. "Princess Victoria is often her father's companion," writes the abject chronicle, "or the most exalted guest among the ladies is honored, with the privilege of remaining with "the King." Note the amazement at the superb condescension of Royalty,, which actually speaks to somebody and doesn't mope around m lonely magnificence. "The result of the day's sport is always laid out for the King's inspection hefore it goes to the larder," which is one of the largest m the world, having accommodation for seven thousand heads/ of- game." Was it at .Windsor .or Sandringham that the hungry unemployed, mentioned by the cableman, proposed to settle on and raise cabbages and things for common consumption ? What a glorious time they woiild have if THEY FOUND 1 THE LARDER FULL ! The deaths from starvation this year m London alone would fill several • Karoti cemeteries. After shooting, '"the Queen pours out the tea, and Princess Victoria- devotes herself to looking after ■ the guests' require-; mehts, just like any less exalted daughter of ■■ the house." Vie's, lapse into the commonplace of \ slaveydom . might fee derogatory to ' the dignity, of a Rdya-1 person, but the- humbleness of the Princess is soothing to 1 the outraged- susceptibilities of those persons' in this country Who are compelled by the domestic servant problem to do their .own. washing; and very • dirty washing \it often proves to be ! '"The custom of twisting table napkins ■• into fancy shapes, so dear to the uestauranteur. iind 'the suburban hostess, does not obtain at Sandringham.; where this necessary adjunct is folded over." Poor suburban hostess. What a world of pity Is here expressed for the Unfortunate creature who doesn't known that fancy serviettes are . outre and betray vulgar associations. We were prepared for . the information that the King is a .model landlord, a virtue most people are not m a position to emulate, "but "Truth," which. recollects King Ned's strenuous youth," is surprised to hear that on Sundays "His JMajesty joins .jin the hymn, his deep," powerful voice beine; plainly heard, and, as everyone knows, a ser\non delivered before the King must not last more than ten minutes." '.'Truth" confesses that weire it m the King's business, a similar restriction would be placed on the sei'mon, if it was a thing that had' to be endured, olthouo-h sirenuous endeavors would be -mads to abolish the ehin-wnfTgina; altop-ether, by I^oyal prerogative. • Most of these particulars were probably obtained from the 'butler OR THE CHAMBER MAID, by a person, who has never entirely recovered from amazement caused by the discovery that Royalty talks ond walks and even . runs like ordinary mortals. It was probably the oldest fgotman, who recalled the fact that when the Queen's daughters were younger "they made a charming trio, running about with perfect freedom, and looking after the eupsts m unaffected fashion. On one occasion a well-known divine discovered oh walking back through the park | that he had left bis stick m a cofc-H i I age. 'Hun and fetch it, Louise,' said the Queen, then Princess of ! Wales, and ■ off darted the 'ouna: ' Princess, somewhat to the confusion