THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 63, 1 September 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Or note unmoved his mention m tbe.Cri.tic? spates?* Parade his error m this public bye? ' "■ •• And Mother Grundy's rage defy? ' . ■

G-ood at -figures :a. tailor.-' !£ '■

Paradoxical though, it sounds ",wh'en a woman's temper gets the- best of her we see the worst other.

The man with only one suit ofclothes, and a shabby one at' that,need never feel ashamed. Anytiow he has no redress.

Fiji, according to a returned visitor, is "a mixture of Italy and Paradise, with just a dash of Hades to^ relieve the monotony." Italy, and" Paradise. Great macaroni and- apples ! '

From a Dunedin paper : TWO Young Gentlemen wish to CORRESPOND with Two Young i Ladies ;.' mates preferred.— Sociable, * C.P.O. -Those young gents, ought to be careful. Those mates may possibly become the skippers.

Every town of > importance m- New 'Zealand is being invaded by the yellow mongrel. Otiki has got its full complement. Pataterston has its" ■We share and now Hastings is receiving attention. Fruiterers and 1 grocers and laundry establishments are being fitted~up and the Hastings "Standard" prophesies that the vC-hinaman will' soon run the district. ;»A few Lional Terrys are sadly Iwanted.

, Tie owner of the "Mangawek a Set-; has retired from biz., and in' ,a few words of farewell says ; "Per-, spnally, we may say we have done well for ourselves— we are richer 'today than when we came here, m ex-: i.pexience, m friends, and last, but' r [■not least,, m pocket.'?- The last is ' decidedly refreshing 1 ! The average^ newspaper proprietor is generally m, a chronic state of hard-up-f ,ness and; friends; who borrow his ,paser. or else don't pay their subscriptions, are generally one- of the experiences.

The Awatuna- correspondent of- the'^ Times" is- a quaint bird^ jor else ■dog-fights and other "drvar-: fshuns" must be rarities m the village. Hark unto how he describes?the unique experience of a lady who-roouldn-'t hold on to her cycle :—" A local lady cyclist when out riding; recently' bad;, a rather uniaue experience with her machine. Owing to a-, diversity of opinion the rider and' hike took different routes', but nothing serious resulted, and on. finding, ;that one could not proceed without.? the other they again joined and: took' 1 the road mutually agreed, an." ,

Pale-ale Tennant, who. recently;' •threw m his alley, left an. accumulation -of dross to the value of £3,000, iOOO. Of this big pile not one solitary,:* *cent. was left to charity. It is.' m the case of such a departure that one<j ; turns with comfort to the •Scriptural" to the effect that no>< jmere Moneybags has any hope : "Tfev ,' is easier for a camel to go through-.* the eye of a needle than for a rich men to enter the Kingdom- of Hearven." On this inspired pronouncement, we understand that Pale-ale Tennant; :is already lashed between the hindi hocks of the Devil, so far down m Tophet that Lazarus could f >not sight: <him with a telescope.

GET-TO WOBK?.- CTssl you anything to-do-i) .'■: .'■'^l Get to work ! '; J 'Dreaming will not comfort.«.you-.j " Get to work \- v; -If -a cloud is m the sky, . ■'? '^ Don't be looking up so high, 'j J On to-day's task keep your- eye^- ' , '< Get to-work » • ■■ij-ji'vy 1 ' What if you are all alone ?!■■.■ ■-'■?#&' Get to work-! 1:$. Never sit around and groan . M . Get to work ! ;>:;■ If you caonot find your plan ' '"' Grab at any job you can! Hold your he a d up ! Be a.manfft: i Get to worfe ! ■• . • * - •!

Wellington 'is not the only towir<of N.Z. where its postal facilities are I rotten. This is what a correspondent writes to the "Tuapeka Times" :_ Last Tuesday, at 5 o'clock p.m., a postcard was posted m Lawrence for transmission to Blue Spur. It reached the addressee at Blue Spur on Thursday afternoon at a few minutes past 2 o'clock. The distance between the two Post Offices is about three miles. The time occupied, in transmitting the document was just 45 hours. This is at the rate of one mile m 15 hours. This illustration of the headlong rapidity of postal communication m New Zealand is not, I trust, to be interpreted as an example of the up-to-date methods of the new Ministry.

!■■ The , ifleal snuvsi is; a .grandfather. He is' soft-spoken, and- always patient^ he realLy loves the.' children, andflirts with the policeman:

Residents of Dfflefield are; going to.provide money to metal* a local road. 'Oaiefield will be like W/Kittington's, "Lunnon" ; its' streets will be paved 1 (With gold.

■ Poverty- Bay residents live up to itsy name ! It: will not be represented at.! the exhibition. Owing to. the apathy •of tire public the committee. have decided not to proceed further, ami will forfeit the- deposit (£3O) made to se- : .cure space. , ■

General Babington says New ZeaT •landers do not take enough interest •m volunteering. . As Russell Lowell .says to the American recruiting sergeant : ■

Put m stiff you filer feller, Let folks, see how spry you be, Guess you'll toot till you are yeller 'Fore you get a hold o' me;

The Exchange Buildings clock has been on strike for- godnoseowlong, and it is mooted among denizens of the neighbourhood that a penny subscription to get it greased and goinpc. would be a charitable act and take a certain amount of heartbreaking expense off the hands of the wealthy shindykit that erected it. * . ■ „ • ..# :

: Why do the railway authorities jCharire ninepence from New Plymouth rto the Breakwater to through passengers ? A. passenger who takes a kthrough fare! from Wellington to. New Plymouth, en route to Auckland, is purely entitled to be carried to the wharf free of charge. But m any case 9d for a little over a mile is out of all proportion.

Th« ' "Chemist and Drug^ist'. r is. ■irenerally supposed' to. '"be, a staid andi-; ldn,d of journal, but, there >are times when its sense of humor overepmes its fixed standard of res-; lipecta-bility. Take the following^jyarr tagraph for instance : "Mr A r . "haJsT&een relieving Mr H. during his ihoneymoon. ' '. 06' course we all know what was meant, but what a silly i *way to put it.

A parson, rector of a schools for 32;: years, primarily prejudiced and;mossfgrown by time, gets the editorship;bf the "N.-Z. Times,'? vice white-man, world-wise John Liddell Kelly..^ "And these ;be: your gods, Oh Israel."' plmagine a progressive country getfting, its views and opinions from* ;Suchvia. quarter. No wonder that outy sPoll.t'ics reflect the parsonic, outlook* |>so fraquentlyi- and- that live liberalisms languishes. •

To induce, people to come to -Well-/ ington by falsely representing it as^ •m a prosperous condition <is nothing,^ ; short of criminal-. To , wit, from^the 1 ;' r"Post" of Monday ; • 'First-class .accountant- and. <book-> : - i*keeper desires engagement. Would? ; -accept 25s per week." A=nd it would cost "Hie most economic' [bachelor every cent, of that sum for .board and lodgfcnsr, washing and tobacco. How would be propose to'dress ? • , ■

* m m , ■ ; That pestiferous animal who- aft-" rsorbs two light shandy's, and a bar--smaid's smile and then rolls about Jthe- street to show people what a Mlevil o.fr-a fellow, he is, is a veritable m Auckland on Saturdaynights. Dozens •of him roam the streets m all directions, but always manage" l & Ret a ? ood hold ot themselves when a policeman happens along. If'the police authorities would tell off ■a few plain clothes - men " some night : l .'to. deal with these young hoodlums i they would be- doing; the community a^-godd turn. ■ •».<•

-When giving -evidence-in, the- Police:Court>on Saturday (says the "Wanganui Herald") Constable Pigeon was* asked why he did not take steps ■ toy prevent a man m the Pipiriki district, •; who suffered from delirium tremens, < from getting liquor. The constable's reply caused no little amusement ; he had not taken out the order because*. 1 he did not know whether he could do so m a prohibited area. That Pigeon badly wants plucking. Anyhow, such; a constable as this bird ought to be promoted to an inspectorship. He's.no- commoner, he's a fantail, sure., -I

Trouble is brewing at Taihape, as the following from the local "News" would indicate : "The Health Officer, Mr Wilson, waited upon His Worship the Mayor last week, and politely requested him to withdraw the statement made to the council at a recent meeting, that he, Mr Wilson, had made a charge of £7 7s m connection with a case of scarlet fever at Marton. The Mayor is reported to have acted m a most discourteous and rude manner towards Mr Wilson, declining to withdraw the unfounded charge. It is reported that the Council will hear more of this matter." -His Worship is evidently a puffick gentleman !.

./'Sleepy Hollow; Nelson has awaken- ; ed. ; A Nelsonite at JPallnerston iNorth has been saying, nasiiy things ; about the somnolency of tile town? [and denizens of Nelson waiit the^ *ber-lud of the traitor.

Arthur , Brisbane; editor-in-chief.; of .the William Randolph Hearst newspapers, New. York, Chicago and ,San Francisco, receives a salary of £10, OOQ a year. Little Willie pays well for anything he wants.

Constable Brown. has replaced Constable Donovan down at Akaroa andi Hhe "Mail" mention)? that "Con,st*ble Brown is a married man." : Evidently Akaroa .erirls are pretty; swift to be thus m want of -a wordof warning. ' ;

A sqcietv called "Vierderiliterabtagitktionskamommis'siondelegertenver sam'mlungspetttion" exists m Swit-: zerland to keep the price of beer down to a reasonable figure. If such a name was hurled at Bung m Wellington he'd turn it on/instanter.

The state of trade m Melbourne. Our local issue says that a Flinderslane importer advertised for "a smart boy," and 150 applicants, more or , less turned up, to' find the wa?e was 2s 6d a week. Simply an? other tax on parents for boot leather.

Medical advice from an exchange :— "Never lean with the back against anythin- that is cold." Right ; get un against something hot ; a stove for example. Aerain it says : "Never go to bed with cold or damp feet." If you do, warm them speedily on the missus' back. ■

< While Wesley an wowsers at .Wanganui were singing MSometimes a lights r surprises the Christian," the other. : Sabbath evening the gas suddenly 1 fWenV-out. The'Kerristians were sur-,. .prised" that time ; Anyhow it may" 'have been stage effect, a put up job bbrr a parson imbued with the doc-: ttrine-'-of realism.

The-Mastodon mustadon a- lot. ot •seeing. The socket of the eye of one ■of these strange, extinct ' 'birds; V discovered m a lilondyke creek wall. -the other- day, contained enough wash 1 dirt to pan out £400 worth of fine drift gold. Just fancy what a pocket he ? d have been if he'd died 1 with his mouth open I

Our- alian -brown, ally^- the. 'JapV is;;considering the advisability of indicting capital punishment 'by • [means of suffocation, by placing the* m an air-ti^ght chamber and f then exhausting; the air from the .chamber by means of a pump. The rape is too humane altogether. Why •doesn't he try the rack and slow ;torture chamber ? Suffocation- -is far i.too easy a-death .!

, : Wellington Councillor Ballinger at; the last" meeting, of the- City Council,' m referring to Wellington's library, said it was a luxury and there was. no doubt about it. Such a remark can ; only be expected from a Councillor of the Ballinger type. He might find the Wellington Library useful, if onK for the sake of patching up his, grammar, which, like badly finished tin-cans, requires much- soldering.

'Another 'Asiatic pesfran the shape of .Syrians has burrowed m Welling 4 ■ ton and about . two.; dozen of them are now residents of Tory-street. . What .with Chows, Dagoes, Syrians, Lascars, Malays, and . other breeds, Upper Tory-street is becoming quite cosmopolitan. Decent whites are being rstunk out. and forced %> seek a clean<ser neighborhood. Tory-street will jsoon -be the Ghetto of Wellington.;

,The> handwriting of Napoleon. I. (re-, rinarks a French journalist) had a influence upon the evolution., of the modeirn world.. He did r.ot -write— he scrawled. By reason of •this, among other causes, he lost Waterloo. Grouchy could not read with exactness his decisive message. Was' it engagee" (battle is on) or "bataille gagnee" (battle is*, won)? Grouchy ohose the latter reading, and, not believing it neces- : saryi to press forward, arrived toolate- So much for the curl of a let- j ter, a- pen stroke, or an,-illtegible swell" to an, "a.'-' •

Cambridge Borough Council •eyidentlv is not a very happy family,. as. at the local police court recently William Francis Buckland, solicitor, and Mayor of Cambridge, was charged with using abusive language to. Geor~e Edward Clark, a councillor, m a public place, to wit, at the entrance to the Borouorh Council Chambers, Cambridge, on the morning of the 13th July, with intent to provoke a breach of. the peace. The words set forth m the information were : "You are a lot of fc soundrels ; d dogs ; I wouldn't wipe my boots on you." The "langwidge'! was denied and after a lot of evidence had been taken, a decision was reserved.

Some men live the most part of their lives wondering if they will die from Bright's diseajse, cancer, or consumption, and.' generally wind up by being; flattened out by a motor-car or a stinking boiling-down waggon.

: Isx.there a law against- Sunday entertainments m N.Z. ? If so, why is it not, enforced against the Salvarmy Biorama push, whose moving picture iaffair is sho.wn oh Sabbath evenings at a regulated charge of admission.

! The poll-tax paid by Chinese entering the colony, during the last financial year, amounted to £15,000. A source of revenue the colony would Willingly forego if the Government had. courage enough to raise barriers against the Mongolian invasion.

: The landlord of the Commercial Hotel, Woodville, was looking for a gas escape with a light the other night, when he found it— the explosion •throwing a boarder violently against the wall and burning his face and hands, while the landlord was considerably injured.

An exchange says : "In the Wairoa Hospital anioug other patients, is an Australian journalist, who is touring New Zealand and contributing his impressions thereon to various New Zealand and Australian journals." What's up with the journalist, anyhow. Is it a dodge to live on the cheap and have a chance of getting copy?.

The "descriptive- writer" of the "Coromandel County News" gave rein to himself m a recent issue as follows: "Evidence of the approach of spring are becoming apparent. The willows .are putting forth leaf, peach and other trees are budding, and the growth of grass is giving evidence of genial weather." And the spring poet has had a Wash and got his whiskers reaped.

The subject of the special sermon to the young on a recent Sabbath evening at the Presbyterian Church, at Winton, was "Playing the Man."' That is generally more than the average Scotchbyterian helot ' really knows how ,to do. God help the^ young! of Winton if their "Meenister" : is of the type of others "Critic" wots of. If he is- he'd be better tjualrified to -instruct them m playing the goat.

Under 'the insteuction- of the, master 'the boys are digging the ground m ,'front of' the Frasertown school m > order to make a flower garden. Seats have also been placed about the ground under the pine-trees, etc., for the convenience of the pupils. Is gardening m the curriculum of N.Z.s Educati on system ? App ar ently it is, and a ohaiir of horticulture ought to . be established m- the universities.; ,

New Plymouth Borough 'Council has had a hot debate over the question of whether or not the W.C.T.U. should retain-- charge of the ladies' room m the Town Hall. The voting was m •the women's favor ; though why the :devil any particular mob of molls •should be allowed such a privilege does not appear ; particularly a gang so narrow, haggish, and generally objectionable aS-the W:C'.T.U. :

'JG-aoler Severne, of l&uckland ,~saysU\ "The issue of tobacco to prisoners has added over 10s per head to •the cost of every man and woman m the prison, without, m my opinion, any commensurate improvement m ■their conduct or industry ; while the time spent m smoking makes an appreciable difference m the amount of work- done."

<He is- qiuite right.- Men, are not sent, to prison for fun; they are put away as a punishment, and allowing them tobacco is to ameliorate that punishment immensely. Luxuries should be ;the reward of honest toMl and not. be shared with rogues and miscreants., < * . •■ * *■

One? of the exhibits m the Prison' Department's Court at the coming Christchurch Exhibition is a fine model of the New Plymouth gaol v which is the work of Acting-Principal Warder W. Downs. In every particular the exhibit will be an exact replica ot the prison walls, tower, pediments, offices, cells, doors, locks—indeed a working model. There is something wanting. Where is the gallows? A modern prison without Jack Ketch's department don't cut much ice« .

Says the "Hastings Standard" :— "Fot some time past a low scoundrel has been prowling around the side streets at dusk, accosting respectable young girls and pressing his unwelcome attentions on them. This blackguard comes from Wellington, and is supposed to foe m the hawking business. His description is known, and will be supplied to the police, whose hands he will fall into if he is not laid low m the meantime by a few who {ire waitine for him."