THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXII, Issue 5054, 5 June 1877, Page 3

THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

(From the New Zealand Mail.)

Qui scit an adjiciant hodiernre crastina summie Tempora X>i Superi.—Horace.

That libel action of Travers v. Perrier is giving me trouble, at least the defendant is. He says that it will only Wave cost Travers five shillings, he thinks, so far, and it has cost him as many pounds. Of this he complains, because, he says, Travers can withdraw from the action or keep it just where it i 3 for the next fifty years, and he wants this state of suspense ended. So he asked me to make a statutory declaration that Mr. Travers' excessive fondness for fish never caused him to swallow a whale, and this I have done in verse as follows :

It was a stontish mariner, And he was one of three, Or four, or maybe more. Who once put forth to sea From Wellington, as pilots bold, Across the foaming brine. With their grog and their prog, A nd rum for rosy wine.

'Twould have struck eight bells in somebody's watch, But they had nor watch nor bell, When says one, " You son of a gun, by gum, There's a whale ahead, by ;" well, It doesn't much matter by what he swore ; But he swore like a seaman hot. Twould have stopped a hole in a ladder, or made A hole in an iron pot. Then they pulled for the whale, And they watched its tail. But its tail gave never a wobble ; And they looked at its mouth, From North and from South, Lest the lot it should suddenly gobble.

But 'twas dead, that whale-aye, dead as a nail— And it rolled on its back and its belly ; So they towed it home o'er the white sea's foam, ' To boil into calves-foot jelly. A.nd they said, "Good lack!' when tney got back, " Of pounds its worth nine or ten, And we'll have a spree, and we'll jolly be As a lark or a laying hen." But a lawyer ca't-e. and he spoiled their game, For, by sundry authorities quoted, Says he, " By'e see, it belongs to me This whaie that ashore ycu Boated.' For a five-pound note and a clutch of eggs He got the whale and skedaddled ! The note for the crew -, but the coxswainlooked blue For the eggs turned out to be addled. And yon ask the name of the lawyer who came And with them wouldn't go halvers ? 'Twas not, I declare, and solemnly do swear W. T. L. Travers. If this does not stop the action I am to endeavor again next week. Some time since I mentioned an ingenious idea that had struck me for getting lunches on the cheap. I am informed that my idea is scarcely a new one; for that an esteemed fellow-laborer in the domain of letters is not above receiving coats and clothes for puffing paragraphs of retail soft-goods dealers. There are more vagrants than myself in Wellington. The others knock at house do.-rs to see what they can cadge or beg. I am informed of an excellent mode of getting rid of them. Offer them orders on Inspector Atchertm for relief, under the power and with the money placed at his disposal by Government. They never trouble you again. The latest novelty I have heard of in the way of a quid pro quo is the demand of a newspaper proprietor in this city that a certain life insurance society should advertise in his paper because he insured with the society. His idea not obtaining practical recognition, he took an early opportunity of pointing out the benefits of the Government scheme of life insurance.

"A Linker" writes to me to say that if smmo one anxious for the public good would take means to ascertain and publish the names of those who pay t!lL ' ir ,)rcwl w " tf regularly, who pay them irregularly, ami who do not pay them at all, he would deserve thanks. As one who on principle objects to paying anyone, I consider " A Baker" impertinent, and have no .sympathy with some further remaiks which he makes on the philanthropic efforts of others. An hotelkeeper in Wellington has put up electric bells in hi* house. In an evil moment he stuck a little apparatus for ringing an ?iectric bell on the doorpost of his principal entrance, and had it labelled " Press." Since then his night watchman has not had ten consecutive minutes in peace, in consequence of being so frequently roused up by gentlemen " connected with the fourth estate," as the newspapers say, who were anxious to obtain the privileges of the hotel for nothing. Mr. Wright, when you let the N£W ZkaLAHU Tim eh have that copy of the evidence in the Ocean Mail case, and refused to be bullied by a braggart, you incurred the frousy illnature consequent upon your conduct. Hence the paragraphs which have appeared with a desire to injure you. But you need not disturb yourself. I know many who are thankful

I that they have incurred enmity from the same quarter as yourself. It is a positive nuisance to be compelled to be on terms of apparent civility with some people. What is the S. B. Insurance Company ? The Otajo Guardiun has a telegram headed, "The S.I!. Insurance Company." Does tins mean the Soda and Brandy Insurance Company I and is the object of the company to make provision against loss by breakage of bottles ? In connection with |tho recent Caxton dinner the Wairarapa Axil's Letter is very anxious to claim for its district " not a little that is connected with the infancy of journalism in New Zealand." I fancy no one will deny the thoroughly infantile character of journalism in the Wairarapa. The Auckland Star has it from a gentleman who lately interviewed Sir George Grey, that the member for the Thames is resolved to go to Wellington to attend next session of Parliament, even if he had to be carried on board the steamer to do so. It may be remembered as an incident in British parliamentary history that Fear-jus O'Connor was dying on the floor of the House—and didn't." Barristers do not always get the best of it even in Court. Mr. Charles Dickens tells us, iu his admirable "Pickwick Papers," that Sam Weller effectually defeated the learned counsel who examined him, by saying nothing that he was wanted to say, and doing as much as possible to injure the case which Sergeant Buzfuz was advocating. I have myself discovered another instance, in real life, that barristers do not always get the of it. Mr. Barton was yesterday cross-examining a witness, iu a Court of Inquiry into the charges laid against Captain Bonner of the Tui. The evidence given by the witness did not appear to please Mr. Barton, who was for the defendant ; I judge so, at least, from the fact that he betrayed considerable agitation, and told the witness, in effect, that he was evidently bent upon doing as much as possible to injure Captain Bonner. Said the witness : "I am doing nothing of the kind, sir; but I am strongly of opinion that you are." Mr. Barton then sat down. That is quite right, Mr. Editor of the Tea and Boast, about the enterprise and energy of your journal. Your facts are indisputable ; but it is a pity you did not make a dead level of correctness" by being accurate in your quotations. Thus you write—

Thick as autumnal leaves In Vallombrosa. Whilst getting up the history of your journal you might as well have got up your Milton at the same time, when you would have found that the proper quotation was— Thick as autumnal leaves that strow the brooks In Vallombrosa.