HOW THEY FILL AMERICAN PAPERS.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXII, Issue 4976, 5 March 1877, Page 3

HOW THEY FILL AMERICAN PAPERS.

Everyone is acquainted with a peculiar phase of American journalism which develops itself in the “ funny” clippings that from time to time appear in the English and colonial papers. It consists in drawing out the accounts of ordinary police court cases or of simple incidents into quite lengthy specimens of amusing nonsense. These display in many cases remarkable ingenuity and' not a little wit, that is when they come from the masterhand that writes paragraphs for the Danbury Newsman, orthe equally clever artist who writes for one of the Chicago papers. Thesegentlemen, besides havingahostof imitators in America,are copied very faintly by a few of the ordinary hack writers on the smaller' colonial papers, who mistake a feeble following of what in its way must be termed real talent for original genius. About the best thing in the line of that type of American journalism of which we have been writing is contained in a recent issue of the Chicago Tribune, and though the article may not suit the taste of those who like what they call “sensible reading,” yet it is intrinsically so good that we are tempted to reprint it. It would appear that on Saturday, December the 16th, the snow commenced falling in Chicago, and a writer on the Tribune desirous of filling a certain space proceeded to do so by what he calls A SHORT ESSSAY ON YESTERDAY’S STORM. “A column or so on the snow,” says the city editor to a reporter. - “What’s the use grumbles the reporter. “ There's no news in that. Everybody knows it snowed. Any fellow who don’t know it by this time won’t know it any more by reading about it.” , «Can’t help it. Got to have something about it.” • “ What ean I say ?” “ Why, just state as a matter of fact that it commenced Saturday night and fell all day yesterday. You might sling something about the white-robed visitor. You can go in on the feathery flakes for quarter of a column, then take the detentions on street-car lines for another quarter, that makes a half, and then you cau talk of the pure and undefiled surface as it lays on the ground, that makes threequarters, and—and—you know, another quarter of general slush.” “But there isn’t’any slush. The snow was dry and it is dry yet.” “Newspaper slush, X mean. You've got to three-quarters of a column, and you can swash around gefaerally for the rest.” “ But I’ve been swashing around all day, and rest is just what I want. I don’t know anything about any detentions, and as to the feathery flakes, I’ve got a boot full here now. The white-robed visitor might do to linger on, but that is only a quarter of a column, and I want to go home.”. “ Now suppose you start out quietly and state in a few easy and flowing sentences that out of the dark and sombre clouds that hung heavy and low over the city Saturday night, the soft cool flakes came floating down, lodging here and there as if sent from some empyrean ark to find a resting-place.” How do you spell empyrean ?’ “ Look in the dictionary. Then you can speak of them as floating hither and thither in the frosty air, as Noah’s dove floated, looking anxiously for some foothold where she could fold her tired wings and in her own cooing die away to sleep and forgetfulness of her weary wanderings.” “ Well, suppose I do. Nobody’s going to believe it. Besides, the dove was shot, and came down all covered with blood.” “No, she didn't; she.went back to the ark.” “ Didn’t she find a rest anywhere ? Didn’t she fold her footsteps under her tired coo, and die away to wanderings in her weary forgetfulness ?” “No, she came back to the ark. You’ll find it all in the Bible.” “ Let’s print the Bible, for that is news to most folks.” “ Then you might say that the flakes lay piled in soft embraces upon the streets and away out upon the wintry fields ; that the great, gaunt trees lost their ugliness and turned white and beautiful under the touch of the master-hand. The fences, too, that run black and ugly along the landscape, were softened with the sweet touch of the timid snow that beautified them. The dark- and dun-colored thoroughfares. disappeared, and long silver stretches took their places, winding through a glistening world that took in. all the serene purity that the snow-clouds bequeath to the earth.” “But it has been shovelled off in fome place, and the dirt shows up.” « But that, by contrast, only serves to bring the glittering beauties of the crystal flakes into stronger relief; -Then you might speak of the festoons of beautiful snow that haiig across the fronts of the 'houses, and the delicate traceries of the Tee-King’s fingers on the window-panes. ~Try a bit of general descriptive, and put a winter touch on the' whole world, working up gradually, wiping out the autumnal colors gradually, till you have everything in readiness, and then drop your snow down gracefully from the wide grey sky. Put the first coat on lightly, and then increase the pressure till you have got the stormy air filled with the particles, sweeping down and covering the whole world with a mantle as spotless as an angel’s wing, as chill as charity’s endeavors.” “Betting ring in a snow-plow somewhere, slipping lightly over the frozen ground and bumpiug along as the gull scales the low-lying wave of the rigid lake; smacking down the frozen hill, scalping‘the languid rodent, the merry drivers damning the weather, and the old woman on the corner trying to get it to sweep out her back yard.” "No, I don't think I’d put the snow plow in the introduction. You want to introduce a sleigh with its laughing. chimes, the dull thud of its ” ; “ Hold on ! dull thud belongs to an execution ; you can’t run that in; that’s where the cap falls and the patient comes down hard.”; “That’s so. Well,, leave out the dull thud, and tell of the horse’s busy feet flying with lightning hoofs over the; shimmering surface below.” -• “ Two, ems in shimmering, aren’t there?” Yes. Then you want to work in the rosycheeked girl with bright, sparkling eyes.” “ Saw one to-day. - She had on cardinal “ Well, jam her iri a sleigh beside the man she loves, and tell how they went put over the silent roads, the very ■ fields echoing back-the mad clashing of the bells. Tell of the tingling the cool air sent through her nerves and blood, and how her cheeks grew rosier and her eyes brighter as her. companion bent closer to her and whispered words in her ears that were sweeter than all the bells that chimed the accompaniment to the music of the spheres. Tell how the sweet moisture came to her eyes, as she listened to the words that made sleighing to her something never to be forgotten, how he told her that she came to him when the snow was falling, and how he wished she would be near him, with him, when he watches them falling for the last time from the angel’s wings that come to carry him where the snow flakes are born. Then,” said the city editor, warming up, “ then run in the bells again, and how they rang but motes that seemed, to her the clash of marriage-bells,, and the echoes that came from afar in the soft cadences of wedding marches.” . • “ Might got in something pretty about alimony and the custody of the children." “No, no; just leave if right there. Then you might come back to town. Take the church-going people, and tell how they plodded through the drifts to the doors of the sanctuary, caring nothing for discomforts and inconveniences, intent only on doing the Master’s will. Speak a good word for religion and that lovely, holy Gospel that teaches forgetfulness of temporal wants in seeking after the spirit that comforteth when all else forsakes, and welcomes the sinner from the paths of unrighteousness.”

“It was awfully cold in the church I went to this morning.”

“You needn’t say anything about that. Sometimes Providence forgets the furnaces to save the souls. After you have got through with the churches, you might take up the travel. You know, I suppose, that the snowplows were out early ?” “ Yes. The snow-plow, that beneficent gift of nature to tired man’s balmy sweet restorer thegentlemule, appeared upon the crystalline surface of the—of the white-robed visitor, —at about 8.30, from that to 9, on some roads, and sweeping up and down the maddening clash of the feathery fields, like Ajax’s strong arm defying the lightning, swept with one rude touch the jingling snow from the sweet, low-lying landscape. Then, attaching the horses to the other end, the vast mechanism swooped down again, like a hawk on a Juuebug, and, scattering the star-shaped flakes to the winds, upset the' man and the girl in the sleigh, and pitched him into the snow-drift .where he was born. How’s that ?” “ Well, say, you want to tone that down a little.” “ That’s what he’ll say to the livery man when be sticks up his bill for damages.” “ You’d better let the snow-plow alone, and take the street-cars, and tell how they get along.” “ The cars on all the lines came boldly forth from their various barns at about their usual hour, and stepped out briskly to their daily avocations. They tore through the glimmering thoroughfares and across the echoing fields, climbing the fences that had been robbed of their beauty by the crystal-line enow, and, shinning up the gaunt trees, whistled wedding marches with red stockings on until the music of the spheres whispered soft moisture to the eyes of the musical bells. Eh !” “ I’d hardly say that. It might be open to correction. Just try a plain statement of fact.” “I might say the street-ears came down gradually from the wide grey sky, aud.-shiver-ing the autumnal tints at one fell, destructive blow, touched the whole world w ith a winter aspect, filling the stormy air with the old woman who wanted the snow-plow to sweep out her backyard.” “ Don’t want to say anything of the kind.” “ I know I don’t want to. I want to go home, but you say I must write something.” “You want to say that about five or six inches of snow fell and impeded street car traffic to a slight extent, until it was shovelled off.” “ That won’t make quarter of a column. I must enlarge, expand, sling out on this thing.” “ No, you enlarge on the snow, and just state facts for the last part, you know.” “ Gentle reader, five or six inches of girl fell and impeded snow-plow traffic till she was shovelled off.”