INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXX, Issue 4506, 30 August 1875, Page 4

INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

(From the New Zealand Mail.) ; Quis scit an aojiciant hodiernaj crastina sumirae Tempora Di Superi.—Horace. It ia hard to be the victim of an unreasoning prejudice. Being one myself, I can sympathise with others. It would be false modesty on my part to deny that there are not a few who would consider the punching of my head a benefit to mankind. And they would do this whether my ; head were punched with justice or not. It is some comfort, however, to feel that I am.not alone in misfortune. Only a couple of weeks back a certain respectable' lawyer who hates a certain respectable journalist, was waiting with others in the Resident Magistrate's Court for the commencement of business. An honest gossip came hurrying in to tell how the* respected journalist had had his head punched in the Government buildings on the previous evening. Said someone, " What was the reason for it f Said the lawyer, ,: The fellow deserved it whether there were reason for it or not." And is it possible that political prejudice can take a man so far ?

Mr. Bunny has told Parliament that he represents as intellectual a constituency as any in, New Zealand. No one would endorse Mr. Bunny's statement more readily than I, were it not for the presence in the House of Mr. Bunny as a representative of the Wairarapa. "Publicans' Pills I" The discovery of the age I can assure you, yet made in a simple manner. There is a most agreeable hotelkeeper in Wellington whose liver gets out of order now and .again, as livers, will that are compelled to carry on their functions in the neighborhood of strong drink. This hotelkeeper was recommended by an apothecary to take podophyllin pills, and took them with so much success that he, in his turn, commended them to friends with refractory livers, and in good-fellowship advised their purchase of the apothecary who had supplied him. So this apothecary was not a little surprised when one day a jovial-looking soul required to be furnished with 2s. 6d. worth of " Publican's Pills." It being, however, a portion of an apothecary's business to be able to supply any medicine asked for, as medicine is not a subject on which customers can aver themselves to be judges, this apothecary was about to sell a few harmless pills, composed of equal parts of Castile soap and liquorice powder, when he bethought him of the podophyllin pills that he had sold the publican, and metaphorically drew a bow at a venture by selling some to the' gentleman who wanted " Publican's Pills." The result has justified the perspicacity of the apothecary. He has now quite a general and continuous demand for " Publican's Pills," which I hope I shall not destroy." Why did you say "dead corpse," Mr. Luckie ? And why, Mr. Sheehan, did you Bnap up Mr. Luckie for having said so ? Because, Mr. Sheehan, you are by no means so clever a fellow as you imagine yourself to be, and can play sad havoc with the English language at times on your own account, and worse with what has been written by people who knew English. As witness a little quotation made by you not long ago in Auckland, wherein, as I have, been informed, you improved upon Shakspere. Not that I'doubt your readiness to improve upon Shakspere. A man who has been a Provincial Secretary, and is an M.H.R., is justified, according to our common estimate of learning and qualification, in improving everything, even imperial law. And if Shakspere wrote " dead corse" I see no reason why Mr. Luckie should not say " dead corpse." The only difference lies in the men themselves. Shakspere was Shakspere, and Mr. Luckie is—Mr. Luckie.

Parens Deorum cultor et infrequens. This quotation is not of infrequent use even by me, but its applicability justifies it now. A recent theological quarrel regarding miracles tempts me to say somethingonthe quarrel, although my own religion is no better than that indicated by the quotation. In the first place, then, would it be thought impertinent on my part to point out to the staunch believers ininiracles that they gain nothing by calling a conscientious opponent names, and that one man is as much entitled to his honest belief as another. And in the next place, may I advise the iconoclasts, the breakers-down of images which for centuries have helped good men to better things and turned aside bad men from worse, that unbelief need not bo accompanied by irreverence, and that it is a poor comfort to destroy all that we have been taught as regards an hereafter without teaching us something tangible in place of that destroyed. Not a bad story from the reporters' gallery in Parliament, though at the same time not

unlike that of the cabman who wished he had half the drunken man's complaint. After Mr. ITitzherbert had spoken four hours and a half he portentously said, " Sir, the is intoxicated." A dozing member ST the Press catching the words, said dreamily, " I wish to heaven / was." The italics are the reporter's, not mine. When a man has any kind of property to dispose of, he is not generally silent as to any advantages contingent with its purchase. " Gas and water laid on " is not an uncommon recommendation with a house, and " quiet to ride or drive " usually accompanies the description of a horse. Ido not know what is the customary thing to be said when one has a newspaper for sale, but I.do know of a newspaper in the market (in Patagonia I may say for purposes of identification) which is commended to intending purchasers as " The Government organ." Kindness to constituents may be overdone. I am told that the other night a couple of legislators, whose districts are adjacent, took each a constituent into the strangers' room and regaled him with liquid. But the legislators themselves took nothing, and it is said that on the retirement of their friends they drew lots to decide who should pay the expenses incurred, amounting in the whole toone shilling. Literary men are but mortal after all. One of them attended the fancy ball on Thursday evening, and got himself up as a musketeer of the time of Richelieu, and really rather flattered himself that (his costume, as the stage saying has it, being minutely correct) he looked very nice. So persuaded was he of this that when he left the. ball he did not changehis clothes, but went straight to his office to ' finish up his night's work. And when the overseer came into his room and saw him writing at a table the overseer said, " Well, I have seen drunken sub-editors, and dirty subeditors, and mad sub-editors, but this is the first time I ever saw a sub-editor make a jackass of himself." The sub-editor has since burned his dress.:'

There are more ways than one of looking at that little affair of the unexpected increase of by the single girls who came to Napier this week. lam not going, however, to write in any way of the matter except to say that it reminds me of something I saw published in Otago a year or so ago. There were a number of young ladies landed in Port Chalmers from the ship Asia, and on getting ashore their conduct formed matter for reproof. One of them being remonstrated with by a person anxious for her welfare said: " Sure and didn't we come out here to payple the colony, and the sooner we set about it the better." It is not often that the Press and Sir Dillon Bell, or, for the matter of that, anybody and Sir Dillon, agree. It is,- then, matter for cheerfulness to me to be a unit towards producing concord. On Friday afternoon Sir Dillon said that it would be far better to have no Speaker at all. At present I am sure I agree with the Hon. the Speaker. Mr. Stafford, sir, there will be some fun at your meeting to-night. lam not innocent of political ways, having, indeed, adopted them as a profession, at one time, with some show of success. If Ido not mistake, you will find that everything will not be pleasant for you to-night. It was not for nothing that the intense interest, which I saw on Saturday night, was being taken in the people of the Hutt by one or two gentlemen not altogether unused to settling the programme for a meeting. It must have been very gratifying to the business people along the road to have been so attentively interviewed as they were. Anxious for information, I myself, went into a shop into which I had been preceded by a few minutes by a very zealous political partisan. As I came in this gentleman was saying, "The Hutt will always get on so long as it backs old Fitz.," but this conversation was instantly changed to a novel remark on condition of the weather and the price of butter and eggs.' Two to one in pounds, Mv. Stafford, they carry a vote against you to-night ; unless, indeed, the unseemly publicity I am now affording may cause a change of tatties.