Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 226, 8 January 1876, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

How many sleeves has a coat of arms ?

Carvers of their own fortunes —Butchers. AViiy is a doctor better taken care of than his patients ? Because when lie goes to bed somebody is sure to rap him up. A Canadian Indian has accomplished the feat of running twelve miles an hour. His wife chased him the first two miles, however. AV iiere the Stupidity Lay. —“AVhat is stupid,” he said when they reproached him witii having taken so much that he couldn’t put one foot before the other —“ what is stupid is not having taken too much, but trying to walk afterwards.” Conscientious. —Maiden Lady: “ AVcll, Patsy, have any of those wicked boys been trying to rob me since?” Custodian: “That young Smith was about here this morning, miss, but the minute ho clapped his eyes on me his conscience struck him, miss. And so did I, miss—hard !”

Tiie AVarrior Queen. —-An addition to our naval strength, the Boadicea, was to be launched on the 16th of October. Under existing circumstances we can but chronicle the fact with regret. If we wish to preserve our ships of war they should only be afloat one at a time.

AVarning to Doctors. —A doctor recently restored the speech of a woman who had been dumb for seven years, and the last seen of him he was sitting on a rail fence picking the buckshot out of his head, while the infuriated husband was hustling towards home to reload his gun.

Organisation. A AVestern politician wrote to another : _ “ AVe need the means of organising the Democratic party of this place.” The party written to at once telegraphed : “ AVill ship to-day one barrel of whisky and an orator —invoice by mail.” Careful Brother. —-The other evening, as bedtime approached for the two young sons of a family, the smaller, a lad of six, stood before his father, and said, “Father, they say it’s dreadfully unhealthy for two persons to sleep together, and if j'ou can’t get another bedstead for Bill you’d better sell him, and get me a velocipede ! ” An Affectionate Husband. —The wife of a villager in Poitou, after protracted illness, fell into a state of coma, and was believed to be dead. As is usual among the poor peasantry there, the body was folded in ijijElvet and carried to the grave uncoffined. On the way- to the graveyard the body had to be carried through a thicket, where the underwood consisted principally of thorn bushes, and in passing through the supposed corpse was awakened from the trance by the prickles. Fourteen years afterwards the woman really died, and on the way to the grave the same route was taken. As the mourners approached the thicket the husband called out vigorously, “ Take care—don’t go near the thorn bushes ! ”

A Joyous Time. —An American paper says:—-“An editor in a small town in Illinois, after having been to his lfrst ball, gave himself up to the whirl of society ; and this is how it affected him: ‘AVe are in the midst of the season for parties, dancing, mirth, and festivity. The rosined hair of the horse travels merrily over the intestines of the agile cat, evoking music to which the impatient feet trip gaily over the floor.’”

Contrary AVind. —A Venetian, who had never before been out of his native city, and who therefore could not be expected to be a good ridci, was mounted by a friend one day on a rather restive horse, which would not move forward. After trying the spur in vain, lie took out his pockethandkcrchicf, and holding it up in the air for some moments, exclaimed, “I do not wonder that the horse docs not move on —the wind is contrary.” Optics.— A clergyman having been inducted into a living in Kent, took occasion during his first sermon to introduce the word “optics.” At the conclusion of the service a farmer who was present- thanked him for his discourse, but intimated that he had made a small mistake in one word, softening down at the same time the severity of his criticism by saying, “ Yet we all knew very well, sir, what you meant.” On the clergyman’s making further inquiries about this word, the farmer replied, “ AVhat you called hop-sticks, in this part of the country we call hoppoles.” Disenchanted. —An Englishman dining in a Chinese village was greatly enjoying a savoury dish, and would have expressed his pleasure to the waiter, who, however, understood nothing of English, nor could our friend utter a word of Chinese. The smacking of lips indicated satisfaction ; and then came the question, ingeniously put : Pointing at tiie portion of meat in the dish, and which ho supposed to bo duck, the Englishman, with an inquiring look, said, “Quack, quack, quack, quack ?” Tiie waiter, gravely shaking his head, as much as to say “No,” replied, “Bow, wow, wow! ”

An Ounce Only. —An old Highlander rather fond of his toddy was ordered by his physician during a temporary illness not to exceed loz. of spirits daily. The old gentleman was dubious about the amount, and asked his son. a schoolboy, how much loz. was. “ Sixteen drachms,” was the reply. “ Sixteen drams ! An excellent doctor !” replied the delighted Highlander. “ Run and tell Donald M'Tavish and Big John to come down to-nicht.”

Tiie Sex. —Two fashionable ladies met upon the lawn at Goodwood, and one inquired of the other, “ How happy you look tiiis morning ; what’s happened?” “Oil! I’ve just been having my fortune told,” was the reply: “and the woman says I’m to marry twice more, have heaps of diamonds and camels’ hair shawls, and that I can go to the opera six nights a week if I want to.” “Dear me, I don’t wonder that you are happy. But you don’t say anything to your present husband ? ” “Oh, of course not! Boor man! I-le’s good to me as far as lie can be ; and it might hurt his feelings to know that I’m going to be so much better off. I think I’ll tell him that I’m likely to die first.”

Rural Crudity of Thought. —Having recently gone on a visit to some friends in the country during the heated term, a lady had the following delightful experience of the crudity of thought and deficiency of tact in rural life : —The lock of her dressing-case got out of order, and it was sent to the village blacksmith to be opened. It chanced that during a saunter through the village with her hostess they passed the blacksmith’s shop, when the lady stopped and asked if he had got Miss Blank’s dressing case opened. “ Yes, ma'am,” said the ingenuous villager ; “ but I’m sorry to say that in doing it I broke one of the bottles of brandy.” Tableau ! Siie Had a Plan. —A gaunt woman jumped into the Central Station yesterday, bonnet askew and eyes blazing, and as she readied the sergeant’s desk she exclaimed : “ I’m the AVidow Coon ?” “Ah!” remarked the sergeant. “And I want to know if my landlord can raise the rent on me ?” she went on. “I guess so—landlords can do most anything.” “But I’m a widow !” “So you say.” “And isn’t there a law to protect a widow from having her rent raised?” “Never heard of one.” “And I haven’t any more rights than a married woman?” “Not one.” “Very well,” she said, shutting her teeth together, and striking the desk ; “ if a widow hasn’t any rights I’ll marry somebody afore sundown —you hear me now ! ” And she kicked over a chair and walked out.— Detroit Free Press.

A Certificate. —The colonist’s opinion of a Red Indian is by no means high. It is very fairly reflected in a racy story Dr. Robert Brown tells in his charming description of the North-AVestern tribes, in his recent work on “ The Races of Mankind.” A noble but unlettered savage once produced to the doctor, with an air of great pride, a certificate of character, as if to say, “ That’s the sort of man I am.” On it was written :—“This is to certifie that the Bayrer is one of the Allfiredest scoundrels in the Kuntry, and would steel the ears off your hed —not to say the hed itself —if they waz not fastened. Kick him behind with the kind regards of The Lord High Dook of Nookastel, the writer of this”—his Grace—whose name, it may be assumed, was somewhat freely used in this matter—-being at that time Her Majesty’s Secretary of State for the Colonies.

His Looks Belted Him. —He did not look like a joker. One to sit and study his face would have said that his soul was so lost in melancholy that he did not care two cents whether the sun set at noon or staid up till 7 o'clock. He entered the ladies’ sitting-room at the Central depot, walked up to a woman whose husband had left the room about ten minutes previously, and calmly inquired : “ Madam, your husband went out to see the river, didn’t he?” “Yes—why?” she asked, turning pale in an instant. “He was a tall man, wasn’t he ?” “Ho was,” she replied rising, and turning still paler. “Had lie red hair?” “He had—oh! what has happened?” “ AVeighed about ISO pounds?” “Yes—yes—where is lie—where is my husband ?” she exclaimed. “ Couldn’t swim, could ho ?’’ “He is drowned —my husband is drowned !” she wailed. “Had a silver watch chain?” continued the stranger. “AVlierc is my husbandwhore is the body ?” she gasped. “Do not, get excited, madam. Did your husband have on a grey suit?” “Ales—oh! my Thomas; my Thomas !” “And stoga boots?” “Let me soe him —let mo see him!” she cried. “Come this way, madam, but do not get excited. There, is that your husband across the street at that peanut stand ?” “ AViiy, yes, that’s him : that’s my husband,” she exclaimed, joyfully. “I thought you said he was drowned.” “ No, madam, I did not. I saw him buying peanuts, and I believed it my duty to say to you that peanuts are not healthy at this season of the year.” He slid softly out, and she stood there and chewed her parasol, and stared after him as if he were a menagerie on wheels. — Detroit Free Press.