Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 282, 25 November 1905, Page 12

Entre Nous

THIS is the torn© of year when the ardent cyclist feels that home and mother axe not good enough for him. One pedaller blew the dust of Waihi off his tyres the other day, andi made Taihape in six days. He says the last six miles into Taihape is the worst bit of roadl in New Zealani. He, however, said 1 nothing about th-* derelict drays just poking their toarails out of the mud, or the bogged bullocks. He is not the 1 only cyclist who battled through from the Nortn Last year an. old gentleman from Thames— he is sixty-five years of age — rode from thence on a bicycle that w» out of date fifteen yeans agot— solid tyres, geared to about twelve and ahalf. andl heavy as a young spring-cart Also, the funny old gentleman lived, on hard biscuits, mflk, and water the whole way. A propos of the- Tanhape road, the "Post," in tlhat vicinity, calls out for an inspector to remove the dead bullocks lying on the high road If a working bullock cannot negotiate a road without getting bogged, what price a cyclist? i * * * Some of these days it will dawn upon the press of England! that there are white folks in these islands. If you asked an Homelander what New Zealand was, lie would! inflate the top end of his waistcoat, and tell you it belonged to him and the other Enghsn people— that it was a jewel in the King's diadem. He would be very proud of himself for owning us, and he would possibly throw in a remark about the fact that the sun never sets on the Empire, and try to persuade you he helped to do it all. The fact that we owe our colonies principally to the Dutch doesn't matter. You can, perhaps, excuse the average Britisher for believing we are all Maoris, but when "well-informed" papers don't even trouble to look up the subject, it makes one tired. • • • "Out and Home," of London, has these remarks to miake: — "A team of Maori footballers has arrived in England, andi a series of games against the leading Rugby clubs has been arranged. Their style varies a little from, that - f the Home sidtes, and their first match against Devon should be interesting. Although nearly every New Zealand town has its football team or teams, Hhe Association game has only recently been taken up, but thei enthusiasm for football among the Maoris cannot be over-estimated." The white natives of New Zealand have a right to write of the denizens of England as hairy savages, wearing a suit of blue paint, and living on Taw meat.

That Melbourne shooting case — Grant Hervey, poet, at Walter Baker, actor — brought out some mterestang facts, reported in the Melbourne '•Argus." Baker said he allowed Mrs. Baker £260 a-yeair, had) given her a £2000 house, while he toiled against th i doctor's express orders. Baker said Hervey was twenty-five, and he (Baker) was old enough to be his father. A detective, after the shooting tools Hervey away, and Baker followed, calling him a coward. • * ** At the watch-house th© pair slanged one another. "You are not standing on the O.P. (opposite prompt) side- now, Baker," said Hervey. "You be quiet, said Baker. When asked what 00-un-tryman he was, Hervey replied, "An Australian, I am proud! to say." "That s all you have to be proud of," said Baker. "Will you ask this person to be quiet ?" said Hervey, addressing Detectuve Howard. "I am tired of these trivialities." "He is under arrest, said Detective Howard to Baker. "It's no use rubbing it in." » • ♦ Mrs. Baker said that she has known Hervey for a long time, and regards him almost as a brother. She says Baker is in the habit of hitting anyone who is gentlemanly to her. Sihe says Baker wrote to her three week® ago to come from Sydney , but he dad not meet her. She telephoned to him, and on Saturday night he came to her hotel. Baker denies tihat he hid behind his wife. He calls Hervey a big, hulking man, of artificiality, superficiality, and cowardice. • • • A propos of girl slavery, an Auckland correspondent gets this off : — "If the inspector were to question any of the servant girls in ninety-nine out of a hundred of the hotels m the country districts, he would find! that one hundred hours is nearer the time the girls have to work. They have to get up* at five in the morning, winter and summer, and very seldom get to bed before nine, or half-past nine, or ten, and not onoe in a dog's aige do they get a half-day off. These are facts, as the writer has more than one girl working in hotels." • • • A rather interesting ease under the Workers' Compensation. Hor Accident Act is still undecided in a Southern town. It appears that a number of carpenters were working on the third storey of a building, and, at the firs*" ohime of the town clock — which was about to strike 12 mid-day — they made the usual rush for the ladders so ?s not to work a second) over time. Th? man who got to the ladder first had vis coat only haJf on, and, as he stepped on to the ladder, he fell, breaking his arm and hurting his back. He claimed £400 under the Act. His claim is that rushing away from the work was bona fide the work he was. engaged to db, and the "boss" resists the claim on the grounds that he had knocked off work, and was clear of the building — suspended in the air on a ladder not owned by the 'boss." Anyhow, the carpenters needn't have been so< precipitate.

Once upon, a time there was a man. The man wanted a house built. He employed a contractor. The contractor contracted to eirect the domicile for — we will say — £555. During the erection of the house, the own© came along, and said he would like the wash-house bigger, and! a sihower put in the bath-roam, and a bit of an alteration to the ceiling, and a better paper on the dining-room wall, and! several other little tHinigs. The buildei gave him these fancies, and sent his bill in for extras — we will say £200. The owner wouldn't pay. He wa^ haled to court, and ordered to pay — we will say — £50 only. Some time afterwards, the same owner wanted another house built. He engaged a different contractor, who wias "put up" to the strength of him by the late contractor. The owmer came along, and said he would like a better stove, and a more ornate gas fittings, and tiled hearths, and double-barrelled tops, and a stable in the baok-yard, and so on. The builder put these things down as the orders arrived on bits of chopped'-off weather-boards, so as not to forget. He sent in a bill for — we will say — £150 for extras. The other man was sure he hadn't had that much extras, and wouldn't pay. Court again. "What evidence have you that these extras were duly added?" asked tlhe terrible magistrate. Just then a strong youth was observed staggering in with a load of firewood. "Here is the documentary evidence, sir!" piped the builder, and for half-an-hour His Warship was stacking timber, and looking at each plank with wrinkled brows. Order for full amount. It isn't often you see a timber ledger produced in court. • • « His Excellency the Governor didn't attend the Presbyterian General Assembly, but he went' to a boxing match. Dr. IJesbit said it was the Assembly's fault, because it hadn't enough money voted for couitesy visits or something, and if Moderators didn't visit the Governor, the Governor wouldn't vxsdt the Moderators. The Governor's sporting proclivities get him into trouble, don't tihey? It will horrify a lot of good people to know that the Governor motes at over twenty miles an-hour in the country, he catches trout without the aid of dynamite or chloroform, he can pull a boat, ride a horse, has been a very handy middle-weight at Cambridge with the gloves, played fives', football, ordcket, was a bit swift up to 250 yds, is not a total abstainer, has as good an appetite as Dr. Gibb, and does a heap of frightfully sinful things besides. The Scotch divines of this country miignt draft a bill for the suppression or Irish high spirits, wrEh special application to the Governor. The Governor even rides a bike, and has been seem out in the rain without an umbrella. Cannot they send him a text-book?

A bit of sound .philosophy from "Taxation" : — "We fine a man for getting drmnk and misbehaving himself; but -d he keeps sober and adds a couple of rooms to his cottage with the saved money, we fine him' so much a year for the rest of his life. We're * great people." But, on the other hand, we tax beer, don't we? • • • "Sole" teacher at £90 a year — and find your own tent— wall be agonised to hear of the starvation treatment meted out to clever girls at Home: — "Miss Philippa Fawoett has been appointed by the London County Council as principal assistant in the Educational Department at a salary of £400 a year» rising to £600." In New Zealand they get about four Ms.A. and a couple of Bs.A. for £600 a year, or, at least, they try to get them. • * A golden thought or so from a correspondent: — "To my thinking the clergyman, after pocketing bis fee, u just as indifferent about the fate of the couple he joins together as is the hotelkeepea: with respect to whether his customer (reaches home drunk or sober. People say that the hotel-man should reason with, and, if needs be, refuse to serve those whom he thinks another drink would be injurious to. If this course be his duty, it is also certainly the >duty of the clergyman to reason with, and even refuse to perform th* ceremony, in the numerous cases of young, foolish people wanting to get married." But, to imply that a clergyman dloes anything for dross is simply rank heresy. The diffusion of education is pretty general in New Zealand, but it misses an odd man here and there. This true incident happened oat the train between Wellington and the Hutt. "Who are you going to vote for?" asked one working man of another. "Weil, I ain't going to vote for no Lib'ral Gov'mmt, not me! To blazes with them and their prohibition, and 1 all the rest of it!" "But," said the other man, ''Prohibition's got nothing to do with the Liberal Government. That's only a side issue!" "You can't toil me nothin', matey!" hotly replied the other fellow. "I goes to the booth last 'lection, and votes for the Lib'ral Gov'mint. and I has a few beers, and gets run in!" "Well, I don't see the point of your argument, anyway!" "I ain't finished yet. A cove got away with my 'ticker,' and when he was collared and brought up, the old fellows on the bench says 'we'll carry out the law, and give him pro'bition.' D'you call that Lib'ral gov'mint?" "Oh, you mean probation. I see now!" "Well, I don't cares what you calls it, I ain't going to vote for no Lib'ral GoVminta after thatl Not me!"

Two pars. This one published on the 14th: — "The retail prices of beef, mutton, and butter have been advanced Id per ib in Wellington." ' This one on the 15th : — f 'The shipments from New Zealand were 118,332 carcases of mutton, 18,894 carcases of lamb, and 7004 owt- of beef, and this colony's shipments were practically double as m/uch as in October, 1904. These statistics are wholly against high prices." That is to say, our philanthropic meat emperors cannot get a high price in the London market, so they must bleed the colonist. It is a way they have every time. There isn't much humour in a common ad., is there Take this for instance: "Come and see our new cups and saucers, direct from the potteries They have to tell you they are direct from the potteries, or you would imagine they were straight from the cuptree, or the saucer plant, or were direct from the boot factory, or freshly dug from good soil, or something of that kind. Another: "Shirts straight out of the factory." You don't believe it, of course, because you know that shiTte are made in foundries, and rivetted by boiler-makers. You cannot beat telling people things that are not obvious. » » * You will find a man advertising for a boy: "Must be of good character. Boys not of good character, of course, would say so at once, and! their parents would back them up. It is human nature to give one's self away. "Best in the world! Selling at below cost price! Given away!" is such a common observation with tradesman that one doesn't need to spend! money at all now-a-days. You can get anything for nothing. If you dton't believe it, see advertisements — m American papers for preference. « • • Commercial travellers are usually looked upon as highly fortunate individuals. They are, perhaps, the bestdressed men one sees. They usually have an easy manner, are well-educat-ed, well-informed 1 , well-bred men. There are exceptions, but no more than in other walks of life. Seeing that the billet has its entrapcements, there should be no difficulty in getting several hundreds of applicants to rush the billet advertised thus in Auckland "Herald": — "Wanted 1 , young man, of good address and! connection, as town traveller. Salary, £80 per annum. — Apply stating experience, and enclosing copies' of testimonials, to P.O. Box 20." • ♦ • "Good address and cannect.ons" might have been extended. The advertiser obviously desires a university man, with a degree. It would be better if he had a rich uncle, who could lend him a forty horse-power motor oar to look for orders un. He would possibly be expected to wear Christie'^ bell-toppeTß, 30s a-time. The other 3s of his weekly salary would pay his board and lodging and buy petrol for tthe motor car. If he could! marry a girl with money, who would be content to lend it to the firm, it would be *n advantage, and if the traveller could put in hi® spare time teaching French, Latin, and dancing) to the advertiser's children he also might get a better chance of promotion. No doubt, the firm will supply him with sample portmanteaux, the price of which will be stopped out of his "salary" — say, 25s a week for thirty or forty weeks. If anybody in Wellington wants that billet, he ought to wire at once, sending by post a recoinmenidation from a Minister of the Crown, a minister of the Gospel, a J.P., and a member of a Road Board. Also, send, photo, birth certificate, life policy, and fidelity guarantee. • * * There is a coastai skipper who steams ous of this port who has persuaded his company to prohibit intoxicants on his boat, being himself a reformed character, who doesn't want to touch it, but who possibly would if it was handy. On his boat the other ay there was a well-known No-License advocate. He went round all the passengers, asking in a whisper if +he^ knew where he could! "get a nip. They were surprised, but told him they had tried all soits of dodges, but couldn't manage it. • • • Later, the No-License person come up firom below with a bulky something in his overcoat pocket. He passed from one to the other, inviting them to "come over behind the starboard boats and have a nip." Teoi persons accepted the invitation. He produced a bottle bearing on. it the well-known label of an eminent Scotch whisky firm. The first man took a nip, and looked silly. The second man took a nip, and turned pale. The third man, andl so on to the tenth, expressed varying emotions. "Where did! you get that whisky from ?" asked' a fierce ex-soldier of Wellington. "Oh, the cook gave me the cold tea that was over after breakfast," he replied, as he chuckled his way to the side and heaved tfoe bottle into the sea.

Sometimes "marrying for money" turns out a bad spec, and is worse thai working. An insolvent man in a distant court, remarked that since ne had been married his wife's income had averaged £1800 a-year, and they had been, in a state of chronio impecuniosity all the time. When he wanted a "few bob," he toldl the judge, "he had to steal something out of the house, and pawn it. He explained that it cost quite a deal to keep seven men and women servants, and half-ar dozen children, ran away with a few shillings. In fact, he wished he could start life again as a fifty-shilling clerk. A lot of fifty-shilling clerks would be willing to exchange their happiness for the chronic poverty of £1800 a-year. * « • The other day a plain, unobtrusive man was walking ovex Kilbiraiie bill. He met another man. He stopped the other man. "Well," he said, in a loud hearty voice, "what d ; you think of tho candidates for Newtown?" Xhe questioned one looked! gloomy, and! said he didn't think too much of some of 'em. The twain talked a bit, and the unobtrusive man asked the other who he was going 10 vote for. "I'll tell you who I ain't going to vote forl" "Yes?" queried the other man. "Yes 1 I ain't o-oing to vote for Q . He's a - rogue!" The other fallow wasn't aaisry. "Oh, well," he said, "do as you like. I'm Q !" This has the unusual advantage of being true.

A horse straightens his front legs first, and struggles violently to get up. That's why he won't lie down for days and weeks sometimes — frightened he won't have strength to rise. People who draw oows being milked on the near side, and men mounting horses from the "off," and 1 who upset Nature s ideas of things generally, ought to take a good look at the earth, and the thins^ thereon, before committing their ideas to x>aper. But, everyone is liable to err. Even Charlecs Dickens made the sun rise in the west, and Defoe, of Robinson Orusoe fame, made Crusoe — who was walking about mid noddings on — fill his pockets with biscuits!

Evidently the Sydney Oity Council don't know much about pigs. That august body decided' that pigs shouldn't be driven through the streets at night. Pig people consequently tried with all their muscle to observe the law. They began to drive pigs at night. Later news than that received by cable informs us that on the morning succeeding this law a mob of pigs found shelter m a tiheatie, various porkeais were discovered camped in a church, and there wasn't a single pig in the market! No self-respecting pig wull allow itself to be driven at night, and if you have ever, dear reader, had anything to dlo with pigs, you'll admit that when he's cranky, he is a crank cf large calibre. * * * He is oblivious to curses, stockwhips, and cattle-dogs. If baled up, he will bite, and if he bites he bites harder than anything of his weight. If you get him by the hind leg to steer him towards the market, he thinks you are going to kill him, and he says things in a loud, shrieking voice that makt>s Sydney or any other city a hot-bed of horror. He would sooner die than be driven past orange-peel or other fresh food that may be on the streets. On account of these- things the pig market and the pig sellers of Sydney are depressed. On the otiber hand, they ought not. to drive pigs through the streets at all. They won't dfrive ■worth a cent., either by night or by day. The only satisfactory w>av is to give them a ride with a net over the cart, or tie their legs, so that they cannot slip out and go to church or tihe theatre.

What a humorist King Dick is, to be sure! He told a few people on the train the other day that a lady became the mother of twins, and the lady's husband wasn't a bit pleased. The lady herself was highly delighted, "because Mr. Seddan would be pleased 1" Of course, Mr. Seddon, isn't really pleased when, twins come along, because he knows that twins are abnormal , that nation© on the downgrade produce the largest quantity of twins, and that twins have only about a ten to one chance of coming to voting age, which, of course, isn't any concern to a Premier.

Asked a sporting man of his friend, who was handling a betting ticket . "What have you got, old chap?" "I've got Noctuiform 1" "Oh, I'm not talking about yer complaints or diseases. I mean what horse hare you got?"

A propos of the Lance contention that most well-educated men don't cons der it worth while to be instructed in common things, there is a picture n a New Zealand paper this week showing a pair of horses swimming in the water. The whole line of each, horse's back is seen out of the water. A 'horse swims as if he was climbing up a very steep hill, hind-quarters low and out of sight. A cow swims witli her back showing. Again, in this country, where most people know a horse from a cow, in one of his pictures a wiell-known artist shows a cow getting up on heT front feet. She cannot do it. She kneels up first, and' then gets her hind legs planted.