U—^ COMMISSIC evidentl the con ia tli© Police raised nearly tl as a mark of es reigns are com but we would h illuminated ad( proposed illu entirely unco Auckland "Star accompanied by which is to be i land woods." words of valedi< mon.

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 155, 20 June 1903, Page 14

U —^ COMMISSIC evidentl the con ia tli© Police raised nearly tl as a mark of es reigns are com but we would h illuminated ad( proposed illu entirely unco Auckland "Star accompanied by which is to be i land woods." words of valedi< mon.

COMMISSIONER Tunbridge has evidently not trodden on the corns of his. subordinates in tli© Police Force, for they raised nearly three hundred sovereigns as a mark of esteem. Purses of sovereigns are common enough, of course, but we v ould like to point out that the illuminated address presented to him proposed illuminated address is entirely uncommon. ThuS, the Auckland "Star" —"The purse is to be accompanied by an illuminated address, which is to be made of mlaad New Zealand woods." We trust these wooden words of valediction won't become common. A Victorian Government shorthand writer was recently nonplussed by the exclamation of a speaker he was "taking" that something "was all my eye." He politely requested the speaker for a synonym. This is why the official report contains the words "It's bally People wonder why Wellington roads are in such a "depressed" condition. Maybe, a traction engine, pulling three waggons capable of carrying thirteen tons of metal each, has some slight effect on the roads. Probably not seeing that the horse-scarers are permitted. The Eketahuna County Council last week asked a traction engine proprietor to be good enough to pay £25 for each truck he used on the roads. With a wild wail, he exclaimed "This is no t>lace for me'" and his trucks haven't been so frequent since * * • One of the most prominent prohibitionists in the colony made an exhibition of himself, and helped to defeat legitimate cold-water aims the other day on a Southern railway line. A young man, slightly inebriated, but under the control of two sober friends, got out of a tram. The prominent prohibitionist finding that the whole railway staff was to its eyes in work, demanded that the young ma>n should not be allowed to co on the train any more, and threatened all sorts of punishments if the authorities permitted it. As it was freezing hard, the idea of putting a man on a platform by himself to "sober up" was eminently kind. Something tremendous is likely to happen to the authorities, for tthev allowed the passenger to again proceed on his iournev while the prohibitionist "slanged" the service in a gentlemanly way Imagine a "bon vivant" asking the authorities to remove a nrohibitionist as a nuisance because he persisted in disturbing- a whole train-load of passenp^rs bv insulting and out-of-t>lace remarks.

The grey-headed millionaire of America is not as harmful as the emptyheaded son who inherits his millions. The necessity of making money does not enter the son's head as a rule, and when the old race of millionaires dies out, Americal will have to widen the scope of its operations. One hears of "serial teas " and suoh-hke idiotic devices to spend money on, but jjhe latest society craze is "away ahead" of anything in the lunatic line up to date. We read of a person named Mr. Lehr entertaining, at a great cost a monkey which he had trained. The monkey, however, was apparently so ashamed, of the company of which it found itself the centre, that, it took a long long pull and a strong: strong: pull at a whisky bottle, and straightway drifted into the- realms of drunken blissfulness. * • • Then, again we read of a Mr. Lehr making an ass — or rather a dog — of himself by running round on all fours and barkins at his guests. This is only one instance of the many freaks of this gentleman, who is referred to as one of the elite. And yet such ridiculous conduct is looked upon (in, the words of one lady of high degree) as beins; "too awfully witty — -Mr. Lehr is sumply killing." * • • Some Corporation car travellers in Wellington have quaint ideas as to the kind of gorgeous time they may be permitted to have on a public conveyance. One man recently complained loudly of the inconvenient habit guards had of demanding tickets during the journey. He told the whole car that he wouldn't dashed well pay his asterisk fare until the san^ninary journey was exclamation mark ended. The long--suffering ?uard stood this aig only guards learn how. He dropped off the car at the stables, and asked the traffic manager to interview the malcontent. It was a principle with him that he wouldn't pay until the contract was finished. * # ♦ The manager got on, and stood there without a word. The man with the grievance remarked that he intended to pay his fare, and immediately did so, although no verbal demand was made. Again, recently, a man who occupies a respectable position stood on the back of a car with a bottle of oysters mouth down. He drew the succulent bivalves one by one from the dripping bottle, and ate them all the way to Newtown. How many suits he might have spoilt with the drippings from his improvised watering-can we don't know, but he wasn't bumped off on to an unfeeling earth as he probably would have been in any other town in the colonies. * * * Yet again a burly gentleman, who found that a lady, crowded out of the body of the car was occupying a seat at the back preached a verbose, and by no means polished, sermon about the displacement of the noble army of men in all walks of life by the unspeakable feminine. The lady srot off the car before arriving at her destination, and the "gentleman" took her seat, with a victorious laugh. Evidently, tram-guards have very limited powers.

Ex-Wellingtonians in Auckland are a vivacious lot. They band together for social purposes, and caill themselves the "Kia Ora Bach." Recently, the "Bach" issued an invitation to many vivants thus — "The demon drink having found its entrance into the above 'bach,' we implore you to assist us to get rid of this dread enemy. A combined attack will be made upon the demon at 8 p.m. sharp. N.B. — Abandon hope all ye who enter here." Talking the cue from the invitation, everyone entered into the spirit of the thing with a somewhat startling abandon. • • * The hosts insisted that everyone must either sing or "shout," so that events were of a decidedly musical order. Ever-one considered it his duty to nut everyone else' tin the best of spirits, and the residents of that neighbourhood consider that everyone succeeded more than admirably. The affair was voted by all present the best of successes, a,nd morning; saw everyone concerned very well pleased with himself and the world at large. • • • Dear Lance. — We occasionally meet with some people in this world who do not try to make fools of themselves, i.e., because it isn't necessary. The other night as the writer was going home on the Corporation tram," the inspector came on, and demanded to see" all tickets. There was a "Frenchy" looking ohap hanging on at one side of the "mile-a-minute," and when the inspector asked to see his ticket, the French gentleman calmly said: "Oh, 1 want to see your authority." After this had been shown him, he gave up his ticket to tJhe inspector to check, quite satisfied that he yielded it up into trustworthy hands, apparently. As he himself said, "How did he know but that, the inspector might have been someone masquerading as an inspector, a,nd have runl away with his ticket." The private opinion of "your humble servant" is that the said ticket was his last ap,set and, if this was the case, it explains quite satisfactorily the reluctance a® described above, of the traveller. — Yours, A Witness. * * X Among a great number of absurdities recently perpetrated by leading ladies at New York, a "farm dinner," given by a ridiculous person named Mrs. A. B. Proal, to thirty-five friends, will take some beating. The large ball-room was made into an egg-shaped wooden shell, while the guests 1 sat round rustic tables, on pine-board seats. The dinner table was served by waiters dressed in jumpers and overalls, with long leather boots on and wearing largei-brimmed straw hats. • • • Straw was scattered over the floor, and as the diners ate little pigs ran squeaking among them, hens and cocksi flew about, and lambs and dogs lay around the former eating grass and the latter gnawing bones. Farm scenes were painted on the sides of the room, and dry hams and apples and corn were hung about. The pigs spoiled several handsome dresses worn by the ladies, but otherwise the dinner was, in the language of a leading newspaper ''a tremendous success."

It is frequently wet elsewhere than ia Wellington. Here is a damp sample growl from a country town : - — Some of us, moire richly endowed, than our fellows with leonine courage and bathing trunks, swim across the troubled back-yard every morning, and tear shingles from the wash-house roof in order that breakfast may be duly evolved. The latest brand of cough cure is the sole topic of conversation at the wheezy street-corner or in tihe gaspy market place. Everyone 's damp, dismal and dejected, and the only grain of consolation to be extracted from the whole wretched situation is the fact that washing day, with all its terrors, its wraiths of Sunday dinner, and its steam, soap, and sorrow, is postponed indefinitely. The individual who: is unaffected by the recent visitation of meteorological monstrosities has either a stout heart, sound lungs, or a medicine chest." • » • An invincible team of Te Aro school boys went forth last Saturday to do battle with the Petone youngsters. The result was a foregone conclusion. So "dead easy" did the victory seem to the gallant Te Aros that they took a pigeon with them. At the conclusion of the match, when the Petones were taking their dead and wounded off the field and the score stood Te Aro 25, Petone nil. they would let that pigeon go into the blue empyrean, to acquaint the waiting world with the result. "Hello, what did you bring the pigeon back for?" asked an, interested person on the Wellington platform asi the Te Aros landed on their native heath. "What was the score?" "Nineteen to three!" "Who got the nineteen?" "Petone!" • # ♦ The value of some evidence. Counsel in a Qhristehurch case recently, suspecting that a witness had' been paid to give evidence, suggested that he had been paid £20, eh? "No, sir," said the much-hurt witness. Another witness, on the same side, who had not been in court dluring the incident was asked the same question. His reply was : "Yes sir • £20." The evidence you shall give before the court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, and fully worth £20! « « a It was up-country — these sort of things always happen up-country — that Mr. Benedict left his business in charge of Mrs. Benedict, and drove to a rather remote village, accompanied by a lady who ou^ht to have known better. In the rural wilds he introduced the said lady as Mrs. Benedict to a worthy farmer, an hospitable soul, who provided accommodation for the night. Two days later, the worthy farmer happened to be in a country telephone office, and rang up Mrs. B. It chanced that the genuine Mrs. B. was at the other end of the 'phone, and asked the worthy farmer what he wanted. "Did you get home all right from my place on Tuesday?" asked the farmer. "I never was at your place!" shrieked Mrs. B. Then, followed further little explanations, and now people who meet the festive Mr. Benedict in the street wonder why he looks sad and depressed.

The mistakes made by the intelligent compositor are laughable enough at times but those made by the inspired telegraphist are often quite as comical. Not long ago, a married lady, having received an invitation to a ball, wrote to her husband (who happened to be away from home, and was always very particular about has superior half's movements during his absence), asking if she might attend the "hop." No answer came until the afternoon of the dance. Then the lady was horrified on receiving a telegram containing the highly-insultine: reply • "You can go to the bad to-night if you wish to do so." Of course, "bad" should have read "ball." but the mix-up of dots 1 and dashes \v as responsible for a painful interview when the "worser half" returned home. • • * On another occasion, a settler, whose very-much-better half (she was really "three-quarter." for she turned the beam at fifteen stone) was a trifle surprised to open a telegram from a cit? merchant, saving "Your wife leftyesterdav mornino- on two drays. Weighs 3 tons 2cwt 161b." In that case the word "wife" should be "wire." for rab-bit-checking purposes, but the lady scented a sly die ait her ample proportions, and wanted her spouse to take down his little mm and 20 out and make a counle of vacancies for intelligent men in the telegraph department. * * * Still another story. A Taranaki man was sending a long-promised prize rooster as a present to a friend, and advised the consignee of the shipment. As it happened that his sister, who rejoiced in the name of Constance, was gom~ bv the same boat on a visit, he made one message serve the purpose, and it read — "Con and rooster lefts by toncUw's steamer." But, at the other end of the wire the despatch read • "Cow and rooster left by to-day's steamer." And, when the "cow" arrived at tht end of her journey, she didn't understand why her host met her with a leading-rope in his hand. • • • 'Twas thus a shrewd farmer spake the other day the while he combed from beard and hair the seedlets of the hay : "Our Freddie is a business man, an' makin' piles in soap ; Ezekiel is a doctor an' makes 1 his patients: hope. Our Mary Ann is ~'-et i an' full of education. She's bagged a duke, from town, who ; si rich as all creation. "Hennery's a preacher an' runs a gospel shop Pete's a politician aj-olimb-in' to the ton ; William is industrious — he stays with me an marm — an' me an' him an' her f^et a livin' from the farm. "But Tom' — it really seems Tom never had no sense. He couldn't take a hammer, and pound nails into a fence. But mann, she's not despairin' or if she is she don't show it. Says she • 'You leave that Tom alone ; he's goin' to be a noefc'' " * * * A bull on the Wairaorapa line recently tried to stop the march of progress. Just about the spot on which the fatal accident occurred to Fireman Fee, the bovine met the train, and galloped several hundred yards to get steam up. Then,, he wheeled and lowering his head charged. The noble beast hit the engine just above the belt, and half-a-ton of beef decorated the scenery on, both sides of the line.

It is safe to say that the average newspaper reader, should his eye alight on the phrase' ' Pro Bono Pubhoo" will immediately not read what goes before it. It is estimated, that one m every six newspaper correspondents who have nothing to say, write for the benefit of the public under that mouthful of pen-name. You have never yet seen anything that benefited the public over that signature, merely because the writers always havei thah high falutin ending in their minds be-

Mr. Justice Conolly once saad some scathing things about private detectives, which they probably richly deserved . A detective who is not private tells us that one of the former variety had been getting together the ends of a "case" in a Wairarapa town. He found that the wife of a businessman was particularly partial to a gentleman visitor from Wellington. He sprung has little yarn on the husband. The husband smiled. Didn't he believe it? He wouldn't say. He only smiled. One day last week the private detective rushed into the businessman's shop and dragged him forth. • • • "Come with me," he said. They went out together. In a romantic bit of bush the wife and the man from Wellington were sitting together in bliss ecstatic or words to that effect. "There," exclaimed the meddler, "what did I tell vouP" "Come away, you bJoomin' fool !" exclaimed the poor hus^ band, "if they see us they won't run away together."

fore starting-. Such a phrase pushes out all less noble thoughts and aspirations. Most "Pro Bonos" preadh over their signature, and one "Pro Bono" in ten knows what it means, having turned it up in the 1 back of the dictionary. In the "Times" of April 12, 1836. the editor thus replies to a "Pro Bono Publioo" "We make it a rule to refuse space to letters bearing 'noms de plume' of greater literary merit than the matter in the body of the communication."

Everyone knows that the owner of an. "express" must have has name on it. Seems that the inspector of nuisances in New Plymouth, the otheir day, looked in vain for the name of an old Irishman who drives a cart in the Iromsand Oity. He was told that the name had worn out. Anyhow, the exoressman was duly haled before the magistrate to "show cause." Said the magistrate to the inspector- "Is not the defendant's name on the cart?" Answered the "book-learned" inspector : "No. your Worship, it's obliterated." "He's a liar, yer Worship !" chipped in the defendant, "it's O'Grady!" # * * Present-day licensing matters make brewers careful. A great Northern firm take tihe trouble to advertise extensively that they are in no way interested in the application for a certain new license. It would not have been necessary a few years since to worry over such a matter at all. * * * The youth stood on the goal line, When all his foes had fled His comrades lay upon the field, All broken-limbed or dead. His collarbone was out of joint, His ribs in fractures were, His system so disorganised He scarce could breathe or stir. But joy unmeasured lit his eye And overwhelmed his soul, And all the world bowed down to him, For he bad kicked a ~oal.

Felo de se, which we've been told, Is meant for suicide, Applies to Jones, who caught a cold, Neglected it, and died ; Carelessness won't make old bones, Nor health to us secure. When you've a cold, don't follow Jones, Take Woods' Great Peppermint Cure.