VARIETIES.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XV, Issue 39, 14 February 1880, Page 1

VARIETIES.

Bifore marriage, offdction and perfection; after, refraction and detection. A Nebraska belle ia engaged to marry aMr Lemon. He haa promised to be her Laroon aid. You never see a woman button any* thing she cm pin, and you will neve* see a man pin anything he can tio witb a string. A young man whose girl lives some distance out of town says his. Sunday night; walk includes "two milea acd one lap." There's one good thing about thsoe wide belts; they keep the human arm. from -marking the dress. That i', so we have been told.' , . -" A man who rises every day at four o'clock to make enemies," is a description df M, de Girardin, the French journalist, given by a friend. A man never appreciates the keen enjoyment of fishing on the pare of the fish, until he gets' hie hook well into the ball of his thumb. : You might as well back a mule up V?~r* nt « beehive and tell him not to kick as to ten - -,'„«.».. l t j „ . 7 ""nan about a wadding — and expect silence. " •' Philadelphia possesses the champion modest young lady. When she hangs out stockings on. the clothes-line she puts a veil over them. Notwithstanding all the modern improvements of husbandry, the matrimonial harvest is still gathered with the cradle and thrashed by hand. Impassioned lover, quoting Moore ia a whisper : " Our couch shall be roaes, : bespangled wi;h dew." Practical shopgirl : "It wou!d give me rheumatics, and so ib would ym." - 1

It appears that the quantity of grain which the Australian colonies will export as the result of the harvest which is just over, has been greatly underestimated. Allowing for a good harvest, it was expected that about 10,000,000 bushels would be shinped to Europe. The Advertiser shows; however, that South Australia alone will have a surplus of fully 15,675,000 bushels, or, in round numbers, 420,000 tons, only a small proportion of which is likely to be shipped to the Cape Colony. The money value at the low estimate of 4s 6d per bushel will be £3,318,000, or over ,£l3 for every man, woman or child of the population. It will give a better idea of what the quantity means when we say that the colony requires to ship about 1200 tons per day for a whole year to get rid of the' surplus. No wonier we learn that bottoms are required. Vessels are loading at every port in the colony, and one firm has vessels on the berth at no less than five of them at tbe same time.

! My dear old friend Platts, late of SandI ridge, has suffered a shocking blow lately (says " Afcticus " in the Mel bowoe Leader). His congregation resolved to get rid of the reverend gentleman at all hazards, and so ( they subscribed a sum of money to " pay him <out." The day of presentation arrived, and 1 a large number of citizens waited upon the good man to make their donation. Among th<jin was a gentlemanly man with an aquiline nose and a dewy lip, who got particularly near the table. With a broken voice and in deep emotion Platts acknowledged the gift and took the bag of sovereigns into his venerable hands. No sooner hal heenfeoffed himself of the cash than — bang !— the gentlemanly man was down upon it like an eagle, and whisking a — " Victoria by the Grace of God" — in the holy man's face, departed with his aquiline nose bestriding a huge smile. He was a bailiff ! :

A "Depressed Farmer," writing in Mayfjir gives the following intelligent reasons why he has resolved to emigrate to New Zealaud :— Much as I love my country, it will be a relief to me, as a farmer, to got free of the intolerable annoyances, hindrances, and injustice which are almost invariably incidental to farming in EDgland. As a man I shall deeply feel the parting from old friends ; but I look forward with a sense of joyous relief to the time when I shall really be my own master for the firsttime in my life, free to farm to the best of my judgment, and to secure the fruits of industry and enterprise, whether they be great or small. In England I have farmed the laud of another man, under his direction, liable to the losses from the ravages of his game, insulted by his attempted control as to the vote which I gave, and the church which I attended, and worst of all subject to his legal right to confiscate my improvemenla. In New Zealand I shall cultivate my own land, be at liberty to keep down wild animals at my pleasure, be as free to assert my political manhood, and to follow my religious bent as my landlord ia England, and the owner of any increment which, by the investment of capital and labor, I may add to the value of my farm. I shall often think of the friends I have left behind me, and look with interest to see if, as time goes on, they get relief from the abominable wrongs and hindrances which I, like them," have experienced."

It mar not be generally known that the average rent of the runs under lease in the pastoral districts of the colony of New South Wales, according to the latest returns, is 15s per square mile, or at the rate of a trifle over £d per acre, the actual figures being .29 of a penny.