SATURDAY NIGHT.

Manawatu Standard, Volume 4, Issue 133, 12 May 1883, Page 2

SATURDAY NIGHT.

THE FIRESIDE.

An ingenious Yankee has invented a " burglar-proof grave; The Boston Advartiger remarks that a fire-proof one might: hive more customers. "Thank Heaven 1' exclaimed a fond father, as he paced i he floor at midnight I with his howling heir, " thank Heaven you are not twins!" Reynolds, the dramatist, observing the thinness of the house at one of his pieces said, •' I suppose it is owing to the war." " No," was the reply, "it is owin* to the piece." A witness was asked by the judge if he uaderstood the nature of an oath, ' Perfectly,' he replied with confidence, 'If I tell a lie everydne m; the court will be damned,' f Wanted, a modern young lady's forehead. The editor, not having seen one for several years, is willing to pay a fair price for a glimpse at the genuine old article.' ; „ ■' '■'-'" 'No, Algernon, dear ! I say that the boy shall, not be brought up on the bottle. Look at your grandfather's nose. ' Are you ftoing to shave me as you did yesterday?' asked a man, who had taken a place m a local' barber's chair, ' Yes,' replied the barber. * Then give me choloform,' was- the victim's response. v The longest sentence on record 'was pronounced by an Irish judge. -He sentenced a murderer to imprisonment for life, and afterwards added two more years to the sentence, bacanse the ' prisoner called him ' no gentleman.! ' Yon. masn't touch, the top of the baby's head,' said a mother to her little four-year«old j « she has a Bolt spot there that is .very tender.' The young-' ster gazed at it curiously for a moment, and then asked, 'Do all babies have soft spots on their ,heads ? ' * Yes.' 1 Did papa have a soft spot on the top of his head when, he was a baby ?' ' Yes/ replied the mother with a sigh, ' and he has got it yet. 1 And the old man, who had overheard the conversation from an adjoining room, sang onfc : ' Yes, indeed he has, my dear boy, or he would Be a single man to-day.' -