SUSAN'S DARK HORSE.

Kumara Times, Issue 1383, 8 March 1881, Page 2

SUSAN'S DARK HORSE.

Probably the meanest piece of coldblooded deception ever practised on a woman occurred out in Western Addition the other day. It seems that a belle of that important suburb of that municipality ig a Miss Susan Smiffey, whom a vigorous rumor, kept in circulation by her less favored sisterhood,credited with being a desperate little •-. flirt, —in fact, what Billy Rice, the minstrel, used to call a. " false-hearted : crokay." At all events her affections; were of sufficiently indefinite a quality. J to cause her two most favored. visitors' to look upon the other with the most" vindictive feelings common to hated rivals. These gentlemen who, were respectively a city-hall clerk, with eyeglasses and freckles; named PI iff and a l'ed-headed dry-goods manipulator, called • Diggs, occupied the intervals devoted :• to gloomily sitting each other out three three evenings a week, to fruitless attempts to discover which of the two was really the coming man in the matrimonial race, so to' speak;

Lust Thursday morning, MissSmiffey; in response to a business like ring, admitted a middle-aged party, with a black beard, and Wearing blue goggles and a long-tailed ulster. “ I am taking the census, mum,” he said opening the flat book on the piano; and getting out snm? blanks; *‘just look sharp, please and answer the necessary questions.” Miss Sm (icy trembles a little, as women always do for soma reason, when talking to a Government officer; and said she’d try. “ Lem’me see—yohfnattie’s, giuiffey; I believe—first‘name ?” i: Susan.” “ Midd'e name V’ ‘' Haven’t got any, sir.” “ Co me now, young woman, ho p'reV varication. Are yon sure you haven't got a middle name somewhere, and you are frying to conceal it ?” “ No, sir; indeed I haven’t,” said the young lady, turning pale. “ I wouldn’t deceive you.” “ You’d better not, mum. The penalty is 25 years at hard labor.” . * “ Gracious me !” “Fact, mum. Now then let’s see what’s next. Ah ! yes—how often married ?” “ Not once yet.” “Ahum! going to be, I s’pose? Been asked, eh 1 ?” “ Oh, yesi sir; several times.” “ Call it six times,” said the census man, making an entry. “ What next? Ah, yes —is your back hair false?” “ M—m—must I answer that ?” “Of course you must. Don’t trifle with the (juiced States Government, mum. Come now ” “ Well, it’s sorter; that is kinder—” “ That’ll do; we’ll call it mixed. Teeth sound 1” “ Yes, sir !” with much emphasis. “ Don’t get excited. Let’s see—l’ll put your age down at 25. The United States never allow us to take a woman’s age on oath. They will lie ; can’t help it, I guess.” “ I’m just 18. I don’t care whether the Government likes it or not,” saii the citizeness snappishly. “ Of course, of course ; they all say that. Pay attention, please. What size corset V’ “ Eh ?” “ Must answer, mum. Remember the penalty. How many inches round the waist ?” Well if yon must know, 16. But 1 think its just shame ’’ “ No remarks, If you please. Ailetn ! \\ ell call it 19.- They generally throw off about three iuches I find. Size of shoe ?” “ Two—but I can wear one and a “ I’ll return you as a No. 4. That’s about what a ‘ threer* always says Any beaux T “ W—w—what V-

“ I say, any beaux I —and be very careful about your answer, mum. The Washington authorities, .are very particular on this point. Has everything to do with the next census, you see. Now, how many sweethearts ?” “ Well—of course-—there are some gen'tlemfen coming here—and ’’ “ Of course there are ; I’ve got you down, in the * Good-looks’ space as A-A-l 1 handsome. So, of course, you have plenty of admirers. All the Government requires, however, is the principal ones.” “ Well/ said the young lady, somewhat mollified, ‘There is Jimmy Piiff, and Tom Diggs, and ” “ Hold up, right there ! Which of’em cTo yon intend to marry 1” said the (enumerator of populati n, earnestly. “ Oh, neither of them. There’s—ahem ! —there’s a splendid gentleman named Scudbeny—Charlie Scudbeny—perhaps you know him 1 He has big, brown whiskers and beautiful enriy hair, and “And do these gentlemen—these Dth'er gentlemen -Piiff and Diggs. know of the existence— of this —this fellow Scudberry V’ ; “Ohno ! I’m too smart for that. I 3list tag them along to buy ice-cream and caramels, and take me to the theatre.-• "-IPs the biggest , fun.] Charlie know- all about it, you see, and calls himself the—the—Oh, yes, the dark horse !’. Oh, he does, does he!” roared the ‘census matt, jerking off his wig and goggles, and revealing the enraged features of Mr Thomas Diggs. I wish him joy of his bargain, and I’ll give him Just six months to get a divorce ffom the most twb-faefed little bat on the Pacific Coast!” And he banged the door like a pile-driver behind time ha he stalked out.—San Francisco Post.