THE LOITERER IN KUMARA.

Kumara Times, Issue 439, 21 February 1878, Page 2

THE LOITERER IN KUMARA.

“ PESTINA LENTE.” As the nobility, clergy, and common people of Kumara are aware, I have for some weeks been laid on a bed of anguish, unable to contribute to the columns of the Kumara Times those brilliant emanations of genius which have placed that paper in the first ranks of journalism. How’s that for high ? However, here I am again; although I clo’nt think I should have been here quite so soon had not my old friend, Sir George Grey, been coming to see me. Do you remember those jolly old days at the Cape, G. G., when you, «nd little Saul Solomon, and 1 and one. or two others used to but, no, it would’nt do to let everybody in behind the scenes. By-the-way Saul is now Premier at the Cape, you’re Premier at Wellington, and I’m Premier, here. Three Ps ! When you come up we’ll add three Bs and ** * to it, and liquor up in memory of old days. Some of us are rather a rough lot up here, Sir George, but “ We’re genu wire; yes, Siree, we’re genuwine,” and we mean to give you a hearty welcome Of course the big-wigs will read you an address tending to shew that Kumara only wants £10,000,000 to make it the hub of creation; and you will look pleasant and smile, and express a sincere wish that they may get it. Then they’ll feed you, and speak at you, and tell you with more or less vinous discord that “ You’re a fine old [“ foine ould” most of them will call itj English Gentleman” but Lord bless you, man, you’ve been through that mill before, and know the old tune to which it grinds better than I can tell you. But after the feed, if you escape dyspepsia or colic or something of that sort, just let’s see your jolly old face amongst the claims. We might not have any bottled gooseberry up there ; but we’ve got warm hearts, and strong hands, and lusty throats, and we’ll welcome you with all of them. Do’nt forget to come “ Up the lead,” old man, whatever you do. If you do’nt know the way Dick will fetch you.

What might be termed circumstantial evidence of the fact that Sir George Grey is about to visit Kumara has been mentioned to me by a gentleman, who pledges his word of honor that he saw Cr. H a investing in a box of paper collars— eighteens, and thirteen to the dozen. I am given to understand that this is the gentleman who protested at a meeting of the lic-

ception Committee that the line must be drawn somewhere as regards admission to the proposed banquet; and when asked to define the limit, he said he would draw it at the gentleman who ruus the bootblacking emporium at the corner of Main and Seddon streets. Could'nt the Committee appoiut Cr H : a M.C. ! He wonld remind one so much of Beau Bmmmel or Count D'Orsay or some other of the brilliant bucks of a generation or two back.

Speaking ot Masters of Ceremony < calls to mind an incident in connection J < with the Marquis of Norraanby's visit | ' last year to the West Coast. At a ball | ' given in his honor at a place that sball j » bo nameless George Augustns Constan- i '< tine did not exhibit the agility which ' the MIC. considered the correct thing ; ' and as he passed behind he gave him a i * vigorous- lift forward, at the same time 1 whispering hoarsely " Set to partners | 1 you d old fo >l." When that un- ! J happy M.C. discovered that the " d I' old fool" was the most Hon. Gaorge ] ' Augustus Constantine, Marquis of Nor- j ' manby, Earl of Mulgrave &c &c," he : < disappeared from the festive scene, and • did not turn up for a week. The story has been told before and denied, but I had it from one of His Excellency's Aide-de-camps. Some other people besides the intel- .• ligent Charleston Agent of the Associated Press must have been taken by surprise by the lunar eclipse the other night—l mean the almanac makers. These were almost to a man unanimous i that " no eclipse of the moon visible ' in New Zealand would take place in 1877." I am told that since the fatal j night of the 17th J P—e, of Grey- ! mouth, has been engaged in composing a | treatise that will prove beyond any \ dispute that the phenomenon was caused by a peculiar state of the atmosphere. ' I do not think I am guilty of any breach of confidence when I say that the most interesting chapter will be devoted to an elucidation of the circumstances under which the author has sometimes seen two moons at oue and the same time—the instrument used in making the observation being a lampostometer of great power. There was an interesting horticultural exhibition at the Police Court this moruing, viz., a rose between two j thorns—the KM., with Mr Seddon i J.P. on one side and Mr Baiff J.P. ou j the other. The R.M. was heard to warble sotto voce— Oh how happy could I be with neither, Were both the dear charmers away The Telegraph Messenger is very careless,. Amongst some important despatches received by me ypsterday ! from the Czar, the Sultan, Dizzy, and the Governor of the Bank of England, I he left the following on my table, which j I inadvertently opened.—" To R.J.S—u { Correct costume to receive Sir George is ! a cocket hat, white trowsers, and \ cavalrv sword. Have seut them by tram. ■ W.H.R. Greymouth." "To E. B—ff i Your washing will be home to night j \ have sewn a button on your pants \ Bridget Flaherty, Hokitika." "J.B—I-! s—de "Done: three to on© that Grey j weal's a white hat. J. J—s, firev- i month." "To Editor Kumara Times, i Write up Grey's speech before-hand j 'rising country,' 'flourishing"' com-j munity/ ' manhood suffrage/ throw in a few Maoii quotations, and wind up with a pie-ba)d peroration. This will save time. K. A. and Co." S. P- k. You have lost the wager J; I have never been Governor of Jerusalem, but have a great respect for your peoplsh G. G—y." Now it is really too bad thut people should be shewn up in this way. I will report . that boy to the head of the department. Mr Editor, I really must solemnly and seriously rebuke you. Why, oh ■ why did you advise the Borough Council to place upon the Reception Committee " the names of gentlemen, not Councillors ?" I. know one Councillor who says this is a gory insult, and he'll be if he'll stand it. Of course you meant to say (he names of gentlemen who in addition to being gentlemen are not also Councillors ; but why did't you say so 1 You never can tell when you throw a cap into the air , whose heal it may fall on—and pos- j sibly fit. j

A correspondent signing "Gimblett" has sent me the following : —Some people make most ridiculous mistakes through fancying they know everything, and being too vain to ask tor information. , I was talking with a fellow the other day about the Borough Council ; he says. " I notice they don't intend to pay for the Town Cuss's new bell-topper." I told him I never saw where the item was brought forward ; I saw where they refused to pay for a level." " That's where you are lost," says he; '' level is parliamentary for bell-topper." This reminds tne ot'some twenty y. ars ago, when I was connected with one of the leading Melbourne papers. It is scarcely necessary for me to mention that I wa>n't editor ; but, however, they imported.from Home

- ■ a first-class reporter; be did a few ( weeks' work about town, and went a trip to Castlemaine, and also Maryborough. A new field broke out up the Yari-a Yarra, afterwards called the Emerald diggings. He was dispatched immediately as " our special j" hia report arrived, describing in a most elaborate mauner that the new field consisted of a large area of country, from five to ten fefct sinking, so many penny*: weights to the dish, so many thousands on the ground, and nearly all on. gold of course.- I forgot to mention thai when he was on Maryborough he got well up in the names of mining plant, and. had heard someone talking about a «long torn "; so he finished his Emerald report thusly—" The country is very flat, no chance to get tail-races, so each party keep their groand dry by the means of a long-torn, which by-the-bye is a very clever piece of inge- | nuity, consisting of a loug box, made | with four boards, quite watertight, | with an endless baud of canvas, on | which is fastened pieces of wood, <fec, •fee" In fact, describing most minutely a Californian pump. Frank Truman.