More or Less Topical.

Kawhia Settler and Raglan Advertiser, Volume IV, Issue 380, 25 September 1908, Page 2

More or Less Topical.

[By “ Hoiio ” and Othkhs.J An inspector of schools once told a class that they wore the dullest boys he had ever met. A few days after he received a letter addressed “To the examiner who came to school.” The writer complained of the examiner’s “cockiness”, and ended the letter as follows : “If we’re the dullest boys you ever seed, why did you give us such posers ? You arsl; us questshuus as fellows co jld’nt answer Any fool can ask questshtms. I’ll ask you one of my father’s : ‘lf? it takes 820 yards of white corduroy to make an elefant a black wasisecoat, how long would it take a lame cock - roach to crawl through a barril of treakle ?’ There, answer that!”

Tales are often told of the meanest man in existence, but quite recently the coolest man living has been found, and that by a storekeeper not a thousand [miles from Kawhia. Tbe purveyor of sugar, etc., had heard that a customer of his, was on tbe point of shaking the mud of the district off his feet. Whereupon the said storekeeper wrote the following note to his tardy customer and sent it off post baste by an employee of the establishment:—“Dear Sir, —Will you send amount of your bill and oblige, yours faithfully, ?“ In due course the messenger returned with Dreaming of banknotes the merchant hastily tore the envelope open and was confronted with this calm response : “Dear Sir,—The amount of my bill is £7 15s.—Yours faithfully, r—•” The storekeeper has not yet recovered but the customer has gone.

They say that settlers in the back blocks find time hang heavily on their bands, and I was thinking that it would be a good idea to start a sort of competition (for settlers only.) It is hard to get away from tbe usual run of such, so I have given myself a headache in endeavouring to find something that is unique, and have decided on the following Ijnes: i.e., mixing problems. Here are a few examples :

Who goea a-borrowiug; is mightier than the aword.

A beggar on horaebaok ueelH a long spoon. Its a long lane that has a silver lining. It's an ill wind that cannot change his spots. Every billet has its “ballet." When thieves fall out then comes the tug of war. Many hands can't be choosers.

The manufacture of epigrams of this kind is an interesting way of spending a dull evening. Try it. [No, Hobo, you cannot get ua offering prizes for the competition that you quote.—Ed.]

Anyone handling beer or spirits in this district seem to be surrounded by pitfalls and one has to be very careful to be safe. Two of our settlors on business bent lately visited a neighbouring township outside our prohibited area; on completing their business they spent some time enjoying themselves and treating their friends. At tbe time of tbeir departure one, alas ’ bad succumbed to tbe accursed dr-rink and wss hoisted limp and helpless, but full and happy, into tbe trap. The sober one of tbe party, a careful man, ordered the usual two bottles of whisky and two gallons of beer and was particular to see it duly labled according to Act of P-miamsnt,—he took no risks—be said be preferred to take care than take chances. He was about to drive away, when a thought struck him that be might yet find himsslf within the meshes of tbe law, so he obtained a large sheet of cardboard and in full round hand wrote an inscription on it carefully and attached it to his mates’ collar. It read as follows : NOTICE, To All To Whom It Does Not Conoeru. This (hard) case oontaiaa two Gallons Beer and Two Bottles of Whisky, or thereabout*—mine's under cho seat. God Savo the King (from Prohibition). He was a careful naan and took no risks.