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American Humour.

Tho Main Thing.—"Have you a striking idea for your novel ?" "I should say so," replied the busy author. "We've gotteh up a cover de- , sign that will make everything: else on the news-stand look like a bunch of withered turnip-tops by comparison." • « • o « Wilfred Knew. "Wot docs it mean?" asked Penniless Porcival, "where de songs says, 'Drink to mo only wit' your eyes'?" "It means," answered Wise Wilfred, "dat do loidy kin read do wine-list, but dat's as far as it goes." * * * # # His Undoing.—"l wonder," said tho youthful student, "how tho prodigal son came to go broke?" "I suspect," replied Fanner Oorntossel, "it was because ho spent his time in t6wn hangin' around talkin' about how to uplift the farmer." * * * * » This is Awful.—"l met my fiancee in a department store." "That's where Eve first met Adam." "What nonsense you're talking:-" "Net at all. It's just been discovered that Adjm met Eve at the rib encounter." • * * # » After Matorial. —Editor: "Why do you persist in coming' here ? I tell you I don't buy fiction." Author: "Oh, I dfln't wish to sell any of my stories. I am writing a ' short seriid, entitled, 'The Ugldcst Man on Earth,' and I came up merely to obtain local colour." <r # * » * Ouch I—Mrs. Newrieh: "Wo'b going to livo in a bettor neighbourhood heroafter." Mrs. Keen: "Ah! So are wo." Mrs. Newrich: "Then you are going to move, too?" Mrs. Keen: "No; we're going to stay right hero." * * * # * A Swat Indirect.—Mandy: "What foh yo been goin' to do post-office so reg-lar? Are you correspondin' wif some other female?" Rastus: "Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout deso 'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lottah from dat ministah what married us." # * * # w A Modern Solomon.—All the Solomons are not dead. Ho was a magistrate who was used to dealing with negro boys. Two boys were brought up for stealing. Evidently one was guilty, but it was hard to toll which one. The magistrate placed them in separate cells, gavo each one a leatlier string of equal length. "Now, boyu, tho string in tho hands of tho thief will grow," he said. In two hours tho boys were brought out. One showed his string; it had nob been touched. The other had. cut two inches off his string. Tho Judge said: "I g°t you." And he had.—"Baltimore News." * # » * * Rebuked. —He gave palpable evidence of weighing at least 2401b., and he towered Cft. 4in. itito the air. Ha looked as if the champion heavyweight of the prize-ring might go down before him like a rccd before the wind. By his side stood a little woman of sft. 4in. and possibly 901b. in weight. She had the meek and subdued look of a woman who had borne much. While they waited for their car on a corner a passer-by heard the giant say: "Can't you let me have a quarter, Jennie ?" Jennie's voice cut the air like a blade as she said: "Now, see here, Jim B'aggs, didn't I tell you before we left tome that ten cents, was all I intended you should have to spend ? I sure did, an' I should think' you had been married to me long enough to know that when I say a thing I mean it ? I think I see you havin' a whole quarter to fool away on soegars an' such stuff! Now you make any more fuss and you'll stay at home the next time I come to town I" » * # # • The language Ho Understood.—ln a police court in Indiana thore eat one day a bearded man. '-"Charley," said Judge Wildcrmuth to Proscoutor Greenwald, "'I havo had two or three fellows talk in Hungaiian and Polish to that prisoner there, and ho oan't understand them, know a lot of languages. Go over and see if you can find out what language ho talks." "Dobra vetchs," said Greenwald, in Serbian. Tho man shook his head. "Paries vous Franeias " continued the prosecutor ratlling off tho French. Another "shake of tho head. "Jin debra," this time in Polish* Still no answer. "O-hio," in Japanese. Anothe* shako of tho head. "Magyar?" and still no answer. "Ram-Bhuektaya!" bawled out tlid prosecutor in pure Teheran Persian, but there was only a shake of ths head. "I can't talk to this fellow, Judge," 1 said Greenwald. "Ho must b© o Malay or a Siamese. Call Gould over. He understands a few tongues." Gould addressed tho man. "Shoval j malachim!" shrieked Gould in South' Broadway Yiddish. 1 "Ho doesn't go by tho synagogue that's one Ruro thing," said Gould. Then tho follow brightened up. "Begorra, what' th' matter with' you Fellows? Mo name is Patrick Hatmi* gan.'-'—' Inter-Qwan.r 4 M

Permanent link to this item
Hononga pūmau ki tēnei tūemi

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/KCC19141024.2.38

Bibliographic details
Ngā taipitopito pukapuka

King Country Chronicle, Volume VIII, Issue 715, 24 October 1914, Page 6

Word count
Tapeke kupu
789

American Humour. King Country Chronicle, Volume VIII, Issue 715, 24 October 1914, Page 6

American Humour. King Country Chronicle, Volume VIII, Issue 715, 24 October 1914, Page 6

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