WISE AND OTHERWISE.

King Country Chronicle, Volume VII, Issue 553, 26 March 1913, Page 7

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Diner : "Waiter, this knife is blunt, and the steak is like leather." Waiter: "Yessir, do nicely for stropping - the knife on, sir." **» * . * "Is he doing well in his new line of work?" "Yes, indeed! He is already finding fault with the way his boss carries on the business." * * * * * Landlady: "You will either have to pay what you owe or leave." Slowpay: "Thanks. The last place I was at they made me do both." «*"*.** Big- Sister: "Come, Stanley, do as the doctor wishes. Take your powder as I do." Little Brother: "Then I'll dab it on my face." ' * * . m m m ' "I say, mamma," said little Willie, peering into the pages of an uncut magazine, "how do they manage to get the printing in there?" * * * Sf * Bill: "Jake said he was going to break up the Suffragist meeting the other night. Were his plans carried out?" Bill: "No; Jake was." * * * * * "Do you like my new hat?" asked Mrs. Brooke. "Yes, indeed," replied Mrs. Lynn. "I.had one just like it when they were in style." * • # * • * She: "But I gave you no encouragement." Rejected Suitor: "Oh, yes you did—you told me you would receive a thousand on your weddingday." ***** Louie: "Uncle, what's chagrin?" Uncle: "Well, it's what a stout man feels when he runs his hardest and jumps on a tramcar that doesn't start for ten minutes." ® * * * * * Mr. Binks (in art museum): "I didn't know you-were such an admirer of curios, Mrs. Blunderby." Mrs. Blunderby: "Oh, yes, indeed; I just delight in iniquities." ***** Old Gentleman: "Do you' know you are the thirteenth beggar who has pestered me for money to-day?" Beggar: "That's all right, sir .1 ain't superstitious." ***** Dusty Rhodes: "I wouldn't have to ask for help, but I've a lot of real estate on my hands that I can't get rid of." Mrs. Ruralk "Try soft soap and boiling water." ***** The City Man: "How did you enjoy the opera last night?" • The Country Man: "Foine! That.feller that hollered 'Opery books ! Books of th' Opery' had a great voice."

Welshman: "Well, what do you think of Conway Castle?" American: "W;il, I guess it's a vurry fine old bit, but what on earth possessed 'em to build it so close to the station ?" * * * * * "Father," said little Rollo, "what is a happy medium?" "I suppose, my son, that it is one who can earn several pounds a day .making- tables and chiiiis move around the room." * * * * # John: "You very nearly got engaged while you were on your tour in the mountains, I hear." Michael:-"Prec-ious near. But, fortunately, just at the last moment I fell down a precipice." / * » #•' * ' * The waitress knew a thing or two about table etiquette, so she sniffed scornfully as she said: "It's not our custom to serve a knife with pie." "Then bring me an axe," was the man's reply. * * # » * Landlady: "You say the chicken soup isn't good? Why, I told the cook how to make v it. Perhaps she didn't catch the idea." Boarder: "No, I think it was the chicken she didn't catch." * * * * '* Sculptor (to his friend): "Well, what do you think of my bust? Fine piece of marble, isn't it?" Friend: "Magnificent ! What a pity to have made a'bust of it! It would have made a lovely washstand." ***** "Here "is the list of people we ought to invite to our cottage this summer." "but you've left off all our relations.' "I know. I'm' only going to ask those people who I'm sure will do their share of the work." **••* » ■ * * "John, John," whispered Mrs. Gidgeley, nudging her husband. "What is it?" he sleepily asked. "There's a burglar in the house." "What do you want me to do —get up and run the risk of being killed?" "No; but if you find in the morning that somebody has gone through your pockets don't blame me. ' *** * * . First Farmer: "How is it you no longer put up at the Golden Crown when you drive to market?" Second Farmer: "Why, they are tegular swindlers! Last winter, when I lodged there for the night, they made a great fuss, and gave me a big bottle to take to bed with me, and when I opened it what do you think was in it? Nothing but hot water!" ***** At a chapel in Yorkshire the pulpit was occupied one Sunday morning by a minister from a neighbouring" town. \A few dnys later the preacher received a copy of the local weekly paper and his attention was drawn to the following item: "The Rev. ——- supplied the at the Congregational Church last Suuday. The church will now be closed for repairs.'? . 3