QUEER SIDE OF THINGS.

Hauraki Plains Gazette, Volume XXXIV, Issue 4518, 22 January 1923, Page 3

QUEER SIDE OF THINGS.

POLITICS* By “Septimus.”) I have a friend. That is, of course, nothing unusual. I suppose most .men have ’em. Bu,t, by “friend” 1 mean' one of the real “dinkum” pals that never s,ay a thijjg they don’t mean, and never mean anything. I needn't tell you that, he’s a politician —one of those men who, having made a life-long study of political economy, manages .to thrive on hot air—and the foolishness of others. I know lie does this because he .told me so. If he hadn't I would never have believed it. Hence, despite any doubts I may have had regarding the possibility of a man being able to live on hot airpasteurised, or alcohpled, or treated in any way you will—have been dispelled. 1 Therefore I have an open mind For clearness sake, an “open mind” may be described as one having an opening through which hot air ■ can enter. (See vol. 1, ch. 2, The Politicking’ Hot Air Manual,” published 'by the Goat Printer, Whenintown.) Well, as I was about ,to say, my political friend is ‘‘in the know.” Everything is entirely outside him, thus he is inside. He tells me that Ministers at half|-a crown would be dear. I’m afraid he got things' a bit mixed there, but my life’s object—the sole object of my life while resident on this mundane planet call Earth is to give accurate reports, and I must • record' his words. “Ministers,” says he. “have nefarious duties, among these being juggling.” “Juggling?” I said, in surprise. "Yes, juggling,” he rapped out. “Juggling with balance-sheets and departmental accounts. You see, he continued, “the Loose Hair and Bald Pate. Department like all others, musshow a deficiency. Lt wouldn’t be a departmental one if it didn’t. The deficiency has to be. explained aw,ay--the disappearing trick —and the juggler has to show his audience a. rosj picture of. the position as it will appear twelve months hence. Some conjuring, my boy,” he added, with <■- suspicious twinkle in his eye. That, he continued, “is where the 'real business acumen comes in. The shareholders, who occasionally murmur about general elections .and so forth, have to be absolutely convinced. How is it done? Nothing easier. Firstly, learn several -sentences —‘when things become normal,’ ‘renewed prosperity,’ ‘better times ahead,’ ‘never was a time in the history of the country,’ etc., etc. Secondly, sandwich the aforesaid sentences in with several yards of palaver stressing the importance of maintaining a is'ane government; (Fine word "maintain, sort of half-brother to “maintenance," by “Take it Easy,” out of "Electors.”'! The actual juggling takes place -while Sane and Extreme are on the stage, and that; is why the audience fails to notice how the performance is done.” “But how about the accounts,” I 'interrupted. “Quite simple,” he answered. “Supposing’ the Hot Rolls Department shows a loss. The juggler announces that if more rolls are sold at a lower price the revenue will increase, while, if the Blacking Department also shows u debit' .the persons using blacking may still be supplied with blacking at the same price, but must pay more for using it”’ ' “But why not charge more for the blacking ?” I asked. “Never do,” said my friend. “It is like this, you see. If the hot rolls are cheaper than they were before the users’ of blacking were getting the blacking as cheap as they are now that the rolls have been reduced and the revenue increased by the additional consumption of rolls, it stands to reason that when things become normal, with renewed prosperity and better times ahead, coupled with.'sane administration, the. charges to users of’blacking will be less while the additional revenue from cheaper rolls will—- " But,” I again interrupted, “I don't quite follow you.” “You extremists never see any side of a question but your own,” he replied, angrily. “You- don’,t understand and never will. We spend our lives working far into the night in order to enlighten you, and — “And what ?” I murmured. “-And all we get is a vote of confidence.” , ' My friend is right. Anyone who can paint a rosy picture depicting financial stability, while losing on every branch of his business, deserves far more than confidence. To Use the language of a politician, I think the more we want more and more , while less and less is being derived from sources that should produce more and more the less we deserve. My friend is right. In sane words — I predict a portfolio for him.