HAPPY MOMENTS

Hokitika Guardian, 22 October 1931, Page 8

HAPPY MOMENTS

MOST AWKWARD. Scot (who has been visiting Ixindon) : "Nae, mon, I cpulcßia stand the taxicabs! When I sat wi’ ina back to the driver it made me feel ill. When I sat wi’ ma face to 'the taximeter it made me feel a sicht worse.” NOT QUALIFIED. Dad (to small son) : I never smoked when I was your age, my lad. Will you be abie to tell that to your son when you grow up ? Willie : Not with such a straight face as you do, dad. THE BRUTE. The young wife was in tears. “Just think, mother,” she sobbed. “Henry threw a cake at me—one I had baked myself, too!” “The brute!” cried her mother, “He might have killed you.’’ ( , NOT IN ENGLAND. Scottish Barber (engaging assistant) : A’ pay lower wages in the summer because the work’s easier. Applicant: But people get their bailcut just the same.” Scottish Barber: Ay, but ye din.na hae to help them on wit’ their overcoats! ■!’• " ’ ■ TOO WEIGHTY. Owner of /racehorse (looking closely at scales) : Williams, you are a trilie over weight. Can't you lighten yourself in some way? Williams ; Got on my lightest suit, Sir. Ain’t ate a bite to-day ; and ’ave just trimmed my finger nails.” Owner ; Well, go and get shaved.

THE WIFE’S POSITION. “‘Now,” said 'the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from the honeymoon trip, “let us have a clear understanding before we settle down to married life. ..Are you the president or vice-president of this society?” “I want to be.neither president nor vice-president,” she' answered. "I will be content with a'subordinate position.’ “What is "that?” “Treasurer!” • « CHOPS OR STEAKS. “Henry the Eighth was a nice beuaty,” gasped Mrs Prudence, looking up from her paper... “Just fancy, when he wanted to mary another Woman, he had his wife either beheaded or burnt at the stake.” ; i“Well, that was one good point in him,” put in. Mr P. “He was accommodating, any way I” “How d’ye • nfea-n— accommodating ?” Mr P ; -Wed, he gave them the option, didn't he? 'Chops or steaks! CLOSE RELATION. ' ' .*• One night a drunken hubby returned home more intoxicated than usual, and had fallen asleep in the front garden. His wife, determined to cure him of his bad ways, and with the aid of a sheet and an electric torch, transformed herself into a very fair imitation of a ghost. Then she went out to the drunkard and shook him. “Whash that?” mumbled the toper. “Satan,” came the reply in a sepulchral tone. “Shake handsh, old horsli. I married your sister.” THE PERSON ’FOR THE JOB. “I’m afraid you Mvon’t suit us,” said the superintendent. “What we require is a, watchman iwith big, powerful muscles, who’ll always be alert; somebody who can sleep with' both eyes open and isn’t afraid to tackie anything that, comes along.” “No, p’raps I wouldn’t suit ye, if yer wants all that,”' said the applicant thoughfully, “but I knows the very person for the job.” “Good !” exclaimed the superintendent, “who is it?" “My wife,” was the ready reply.